and so here i am again... it's like this blog is a fetish that just seems to be important only when i truely need sanity. ironic... contradictive.. but anything goes in this banter world that never makes any sense anyway. the odd thing is, i think its hilarious.. fucked up that i go on and ramble about my life when noone reallie reads about it anyway. who cares right? i dont want pity or glory, if you all are wondering. just a blog to keep myself sane, to get my thoughts straight. and you might ask, then why post it online for everyone to see and hear? why not keep it at privacy for my own viewing pleasure?
and i answer... simply because i feel like it. i dont want people asking me what's up again and again and having to tell the same damn old story again and again... either that or i dont wanna lie and say everything is fine and dandy. life is not always fine and dandy though I'd like to say it's AWSOME... but again, i'd be a damned liar.

so anyway.. if u've been keeping up with my older blog, which i doubt since noone reads my crap or gives a care, one would know the angelic new year was a miserable for me, at least for 2 or 3 weeks til chinese new years on the 22nd of january. Just wen i thought everything was AWSOME.. the life i wanted to live.. and at that moment in time.. i was actually HAPPY... everything seemed to come crashing down come feburary 7th.
besides being sick with a minor flu/cold, i didn't expect everything to run me over the ridge at once. It was like.. whoa! what the f*? Suppose all my energy and happiness ran out? i started to feel like crap. I was letting myself lag behind again... because i felt icky. Great. That whole week was unrealistic and slow because i my grandma from la was in the hospital.. so i was worried about her, knowing she had pneoumia AND that her tumor on her tongue is malignant and no longer a tumor. She has cancer. So that got me thinking... and depressed.
School is no help neither. Science olympiad's competition is coming up in 2 or 3 weeks.. and i feel i've let the team down. I dropped out of the robot ramble event, simply because i haven't been current and cooperating with my partners... just a lot of stuff caught me off track.. ya knoe? anyhoo. i felt like a failure sometimes.. but then again.. with everything going, i feel that my priorities have changed.. and changed for somewhat the better. SO simply is a small priority for me rite now and i dont see the wrong in it, though i do feel guilt... and mr smith is disappointed in me. the vibe is tacit. he didn't say it, but i knoe it. kosney is disappointed too, i think, or rather i know. But i can't help it! I DONT KNOw what the hell i'm suppose to do.

and my 18th birthday. WHAT THE HECK.. i even forgot myself! Practically everyone at school forgot.. only a few that i never thought would've remembered... REMEMBERED and wished me a happy bday. Marielle the friday before because it was her bday on the 6th (and i thank you!), DAVID TURNER? on the day after we got bak from the weekend (thanx for the card! it REALLY cheered me up!), and..... a few other ppl who said happie bday after finding out from david. Six at the most. WHICH IS TOTALLY FIne because i wasn't expectiing nething. so thanx :) really. It was practically the only highlight of my life as of then and still even now. HS friends who remembered was minimal.. but what made up for everyone who didn't remember that i thought would have was the surprises from my college buddies: Linh was 2 days ahead of me who sent me a lovely gift and card (I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!), Joshie who also turned 18th the day after me (HAPPY 18TH! but U'RE STILL A YOUNG-N! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and Thomas (I LOVE YOU! thanx for the present!). I felt reallie happy knowing that those i truely miss are thinking about me too. my friends are AWSOME!
So back to the bad news:
My brother, who was minorly sick before, got worse. Didn't know what was up til he'd gone into the ER.. blood tests, urine test, CAT scans, what not... x rays. WOW. he was so sick he couldnt get outta bed. When that happened, I freaked out. Not because he was reallie sick, well i mean that too but i knew he eventually'd be okay, but because i had tons to do for school in addition to caring for my younger sisters. That night, i had the worse night cramps and my stomach ulcers were acting up again.. for awhile back, i thought they were gone. BLAAAHHH.
Life turned miserable as i'm trying to keep up emotionally and physically. School's a drag. i dont even want to be there. I didnt' know how to act at school. Everything in my life was just so f* up that talking about it seemed dumb and selfish but keeping it to myself was hard because someone will eventually ask me what the hell was up and i'd have to lie and say everyhting was okay. hahaha