Element of Wind Part II

kaY8686: ur more free then u think u r
n0rmaLLy Strange: so what is new with u?
kaY8686: accept the fact that u cant change life, but u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: thank you. i do know that. i tend to stay clear of it tho.
kaY8686: there is freedom in the things we do
kaY8686: we are free
kaY8686: u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes but there are obligations we tether ourselves to
n0rmaLLy Strange: without thinking about it
kaY8686: we arent slaves to our own will
kaY8686: our will is what determines our freedom
kaY8686: if we are our own masters, we are in a sense free
n0rmaLLy Strange: indeed but what we can't go on a rampage
n0rmaLLy Strange: there will be chaos
kaY8686: no there wont
n0rmaLLy Strange: for we need to be considerate of others
kaY8686: don't let society place things on ur head
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know that.
kaY8686: because if we are our own slaves and masters, we know whats right and wrong
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm talking fundamentally.
kaY8686: im talking realistically
kaY8686:
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i sense that we're on the same page but going a different rates.
kaY8686: look on the bright side
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes. i am the oxymoron.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm more optimisitc than u think
n0rmaLLy Strange: actually.. i believe that i am more optimistic than most ppl
kaY8686: aren't we pridefull
kaY8686: hahah j/k
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: i said j/K!
n0rmaLLy Strange: i just dont think ppl see me as who i really am.
kaY8686: so ur happy?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: nor am i content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am hopeful
n0rmaLLy Strange: and willful
n0rmaLLy Strange: determined but agitated.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.. therefore ur optomistic?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: ....
kaY8686: hope is meaningless
n0rmaLLy Strange: it is meaningful
kaY8686: because those that hope
kaY8686: arent content
kaY8686: if ur content.. u dont need hope
kaY8686: which would make it useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: not necessarily.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.... because ur not content
n0rmaLLy Strange: depends on how u define hope.
kaY8686: hopeful is like, there is a light at the end of this dark and dreerly tunnel
kaY8686: we hope for better days
kaY8686: we hope for happier times
kaY8686: we hope to be content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i said i am not content. therefore not hopeful but when i am content, i need not hope
n0rmaLLy Strange: hope is my drive
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least for the time being
kaY8686: u know what.....
kaY8686: hope!
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
kaY8686: hope lost meaning
n0rmaLLy Strange: it has not with me
kaY8686: i cant read it correctly anymore
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least not yet
kaY8686: no. i mean grammitically
kaY8686: hahahaha
kaY8686: it lose meaning in the grammatical sense
n0rmaLLy Strange: without my hope i do not live



perhaps this is why they call me a dreamer. a realist but an idealist.
such an oxymoron. i am SUCH a moron. ><

Element of wind... Part I

happiness is a feeling of joy and excitement but what constitutes happiness? is it money? is it love? is it life?

i do not want to be happy for happiness is ephermeral. captivating and succulent but nonetheless deceiving. content is the word. content is what i want to feel.

i finished Snow:] and i apologize in advance that my blog will not be as spectacular as some may have expected. Snow has, however, left me thought-filled. the book is thoughtful.. well planned. disturbing yet serene. it is beautiful. thank you for telling me to read it. :)

may i write more on it later. time will tell as time will tell most things.

**someone once told me i am the element of wind. i must say i agree.. however now, i am nothing but wind.

a rose petal on the ground, i am... the wind has yet to caress me so i can ride weightless with the wind and earth. or is it that i, as wind, have not prompt action? perhaps this will help aid you in what i feel:

kaY8686: both sn's today again? what's wrong?
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. nothing is wrronng wrong just feeling bleh
n0rmaLLy Strange: ionno.. a lot of stuff happened lately
n0rmaLLy Strange: but what not
n0rmaLLy Strange: how are u?
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: im good!
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of progress today
n0rmaLLy Strange: good! been up to naything?
n0rmaLLy Strange: reallie?
n0rmaLLy Strange: on the fone?
kaY8686: uhh ya ok
kaY8686: im at his place again
n0rmaLLy Strange: ? huh?
n0rmaLLy Strange: care to elaborate a littl emore?
kaY8686: not really...
kaY8686: its not important
kaY8686: but ya
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of... progress!
kaY8686: and i am happy
kaY8686: unless he is sad again tomrorow
kaY8686: which is his usual trend
kaY8686: but. im hoping
kaY8686: that we can fix this found problem now
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-) that's great to hear
n0rmaLLy Strange: but why will he be sad?
kaY8686: long story
kaY8686: that would involve personal infringement
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. okay.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no need then
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm glad for u
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy for ur brother. good job sung
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: i didnt do anything
n0rmaLLy Strange: u made progress
kaY8686: i just talked to him
n0rmaLLy Strange: exactly
n0rmaLLy Strange: good job
kaY8686: and he made his own progress
kaY8686: so.. im going to talk to u
kaY8686: and we can make some progress!
kaY8686: so u can feel good about life
kaY8686: and so u can wake up happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: hahaha
kaY8686: so ms. chi
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont want to be happy. i just want to be content.
kaY8686: o.. me and my brother called this neutrality
kaY8686: i like content more....
kaY8686: see... i gave up on making him happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy carries far more energy and is less likely to linger
kaY8686: i started to make him understand
kaY8686: to understand why he feels the way he does
n0rmaLLy Strange: yeah
kaY8686: which is better
kaY8686: so..
n0rmaLLy Strange: that's my goal. to be content.
kaY8686: i want u to understand
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.. thanx sung
kaY8686: do u want to be?
kaY8686: do u WANT to be content
kaY8686: think about it
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do. i do. i really do.. however... time will tell
kaY8686: r u making urself feel sad?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i cna't force it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u just lonely?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u overwhelmed?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes and no.
kaY8686: do u have a vague idea of what it could be?
kaY8686: umm.. does that mean no?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: o ok
kaY8686: haha
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.. it means yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do have an idea
kaY8686: wait.. what?
kaY8686: oo ok
n0rmaLLy Strange: maybe even a clear idea.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know what prompt it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know why i'm agitated
kaY8686: what? or who?
n0rmaLLy Strange: but i dont know the answer.
kaY8686: is it what someone did?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: was it me?!
n0rmaLLy Strange: no
n0rmaLLy Strange: it's more of a family feud/misunderstanding type of thing. more or less cultural clashes and generation differences and gender discrimination
n0rmaLLy Strange: social injustice
n0rmaLLy Strange: there's a war that lies between persons as well as within onself
n0rmaLLy Strange: *oneself
kaY8686: yes there is
n0rmaLLy Strange: that is all i am consumed by.. and yet, i have no answer.
kaY8686: but why r u letting that side that hurts u win?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont ever think i will reach an answer.
kaY8686: give the other side some more ammo!
n0rmaLLy Strange: what hurts me? what hurts me not?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do not know.
n0rmaLLy Strange: all that i do know is i am bombarded with frustration and agitation.
n0rmaLLy Strange: nonetheless, i am calm
n0rmaLLy Strange: but my mind is furiously racing with thoughts
kaY8686: yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: there is nothing i can do.
kaY8686: one day, ur patients will hurt u
kaY8686: why do u have to be patient?
kaY8686: just do somethng
n0rmaLLy Strange: it does not make me content nor will it bring me happiness.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've done quite a lot.
n0rmaLLy Strange: my actions are quite useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: they are what gets me into more trouble
n0rmaLLy Strange: for i am not the only one in this war
n0rmaLLy Strange: not the only mind that contributes to the battle grounds
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not a lone star.. but a part of a larger system
n0rmaLLy Strange: a speckle of dust
n0rmaLLy Strange: holding no weight
n0rmaLLy Strange: no ground
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've come to accept my fate. though i do not believe in fate.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've accepted my status and is beginning to understand that what i do is little and what i do will hurt more than help. i will need to be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: fire is a dangerous element to play with
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will let time wash it.. the wind to dry it.. and the earth to seed my thoughts into theirs
n0rmaLLy Strange: i can only wait...

There is so much...

I want to say.. so much i want to write but everytime i pick up my pen.. or sit in front of this lonely screen, i can't. my thoughts, gnarled, twisted, intertwined... difficult to sound coherent.

cultural wars
generation clashes
parenting vs achieving independence
gender injustice
double standards
balance between respect and opinonated responses

someone help me.. i think i'm falling apart. :[

Nostalgia

Once again, while clearing out my files... a picture i took as a model for an art project:


Demonic.. don't you think? >< i was so proud of myself. i looked evil!

Passing time

i've successfully inflicted physical fatigue to help drone out some mental agitation... but i'm hardly tired. i'm still awake... poofy eyed, aching, and contemplating. my goal for 1am is useless and irrelevant. here's a random doodle i did, unfinished:


random sketch: child asleep, half self portrait, what should i add? the hand can easily morph into an aligator./... trees?


it's official. i'm sick, too. :'(