hmm.. where to even begin???
It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.
Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.
The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.
And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:
I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.
Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).
I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3
On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*
Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.
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"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."
-"Death and the Plougman"
