am i depressed?
I hate to think that i am but i've been finding more and more excuses to sleep these days, esp. because i can't run nor go to the arc because of my crapped up knee to relieve stress. why am i depressed if i indeed am? i dont feel depressed.. not all the time at least. why am i trying to convince myself that i'm okay? or am i really really already okay? i am frustrated. i'll give myself that. but at what? at who? myself? yes. myself.
grad school. or med school? no schoool? work. what i'm doing now to get myself there. the vagueness of "there" is feeding off what is left of my energy. i need to find a new passion. a new ambition. damn it. i need to figure out what i want.
hahahaha.. gah... you do not want to get into this tangled mess inside my head.
I'd like nothing more right now then to go home and spend summer with my family. I want to feel at home again.
At a lame attempt to figure out what I don't want... here are the things i want to happen by the time summer ends:
spend time with family
finish summer session I
Thomas' wedding in Santa Barbara!!!! :)
finish the research project under my professor and perhaps start a new one! we're sooooo close it's exciting!
bake
ugh... i need fresh air. i really do. i want to be content. damn it. i want it so badly. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
i want to do things i've never done before and feel alive. i want to do things i havne't done in a while and feel refreshed.
go sky diving (any takers?)
go to a beach... or a lake...
go hiking!!
go stargazing
i want to see my friends over summer. so please, if you're in town, let's do something. something fun. or nothing at all. let's sit at the park and gaze at the vessel of beauty that blankets over us without exchanging a single word and walk away feeling like it's the best conversation we've ever had. those are always wonderful. i just want to be able to smile and laugh and really really mean it. i crave it. i crave you.
i'm not depressed. i'm just stuck in the interphase in this abyss.. swinging on a pendulum and i can slip either which way... to doldrums or to happiness. damn it, kasey... i'm oscillating too.. and i'm feeling so impatient. i need and want to get off. help. summer.. please come... please come now. i just want spring quarter to be done and over with. i need that week of break before summer session I. i need to live again.. i need to be refreshed. i need to breathe. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
