A cloud of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and regret suffocates me. For the many days now since the incident, I have had nothing but guilt clogging my psych... and until today, the aftermath of my nightmare where I abruptly woke with sharp pains in my stomach from stressing my ulcers, I find that my repressions of my doings finally caught up with the stanzas of poetic rinds that I’ve encased myself in to avoid extreme disappointment.
It was... Wednesday July 28th, the afternoon before our final exam in Psychology300. Phil, Seung, and I decided to study at Lollicup once again on Franklin Blvd where we sat at our usual table near the glass panes of entrance door/wall.
While intently and diligently attempting to master the bulleted topics on the Psych study guide, my eyes (as if tracing invisible wisps of thoughts in hope encountering visual cues that may help me remember) fleeted a glance outside the windowpanes. A mad rush of shock and horror stunned my entire body; eyes no longer fleeting are now starring widely at what I think is an accusation of battery and assault! Parked with its tinted back-window facing me, I see the silhouettes of a man furiously beating at whatever was in the back seat of the Lexus… another person perhaps. Other than an escape of an uttered gasp, I froze with horror painted on my visage; Seung, who’d heard me gasp kindly asked what was wrong.. and hesitantly recovering from my freeze response said… “I think someone’s getting beat up…”
A chill of tingling sensation ran down my spine. Not sure what to do, I jumped up out of my seat and started pacing to the door and abruptly paced back to my seat to rethink my next move. My superego shouted for my attention to run out there as quick as I can to see more clearly what was happening, which if it was in fact a crime would be stopped. Contrastingly, my id deafened the understatement of the degree of harm I can do to myself and the risks involved, not to mention the fact that I had not seen anything but a silhouette of one man engaging in delivering pugnacious fist punches to whatever he kept going at in the back seat.
My indecision led to the pronto actualization of my ego: under the mindset of morals and values, I cannot bear to see someone hurt and not do anything about it so I half-convinced myself to walk out there to see what was going on…
As I neared the Lexus, I see a man in his early/mid twenties sitting the passenger seat of the Lexus who saw me coming. The man, another male in his early/mid twenties with a Cubs baseball cap, who threw those aggressive punches now receded out of the back seat of the car, closed the side door, leaned into the open back window of the side door, and spoke to whatever, whoever was in the backseat—the object of his expressed anger—this I can clearly tell and this I know is true for he was not looking at the man in the passenger seat. Both the passenger and the aggressor had their heads and attention turned to the backseat. With the music inside the car at almost full blast, I couldn’t hear what the aggressor was saying but his facial expression made me think twice about walking closer to the Lexus. For a moment, he smurked and sneered and another he let out a half-hearted laugh.
I didn’t know what to think! Perhaps he was horse fighting with a friend in the backseat? Still, I did not see what or who was in the back seat… But if it was a friend who he play-fought with, why were the throws so vehement that the whole Lexus rocked with the motion of his fists???? But if it was truly an aggressive fight with intentional harm, why would the passenger sit so calmly to watch in apathy???
Ugh, I don’t know WHY but I stopped dead in my tracks, paced three steps back where I find Seung walking toward me. I spun around in time to see the aggressor walk to his car, which was facing me (a car that I did not see before because it was parked behind a line of cars perpendicular to myself and it). Since the fists stopped and the aggressor turning on his ignition to get outta there… I thought, “well maybe they were just playing and horsing,” and regretfully walked back into lollicup. Before I sat down, I saw another man, in his mid/early twenties climb into the drivers seat who came from whatever stores where lined on this strip mall ahead of Lollicup who drove away also. Seung and Phil later informed me that before the aggressor left, he did flick off whoever was in the Lexus—this I did not see… and this worried me even more.. then again, maybe it was another playful joke.
BLLAAAHHH. I hate this. I mean, what if someone was hurt? Before they left, Phil and Seung jotted down their license plate numbers…. So we contemplated whether we should call the police to inform them of this incident … another hesitation. But because there were doubts and inconclusive evidence since no one saw if anyone was truly in the back seat, we did not call. ><
I felt so incredibly bad and frustrated!!! I was so concerned and yet I did nothing. Ugh, that ruined my day.. my whole week. Having the randomness of mind, I thought of all the things that could have happened … all the possible scenarios of what really did happen or what can happen… and yet, the cons outweighed the pros. At that point, there was no forgiving in my part.
What if someone got injured? I mean, it isn’t the best part of town… what if this what if that.. what if I had the potential to save someone from harm and missed the chance… I mean, all I had to do was actually WALK UP TO THE CAR and asked if everything was alright, correct? All I had to do was walk… and ask as a friendly bystander. UGGHHH.. I HATE MYSELF. >< I hate myself for being apathetic at that moment in time… completely apathetic? No. but I was apathetic enough to NOT WALK UP TO THE CAR!! That was ALL I HAD TO DO.. and yet I let my devious ID and STUPID IRRATIONALE convince me that it PROBABLY was just another play-fight between ppl who knew each other in which case I had no business with.. UGGGH.. I HATE THIS. I HATE MYSELF.. WHYYYYYY…..
FRUSTRATED. ANGRY. SO INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**So this is the result of my doings… a nightmare… that I woke from… about the incident. Forgiveness is not given. From who will I have forgiveness from? Ugh… I disgust myself. ><
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