Dear (___enter name here__)

I'm clearing out my files on the comp.. and i came across something I wrote early April of this yr, which is semi still relevant to today, thought i might post it, unedited:
 
dear friend:
i dont feel the radiant light that warms my soul anymore.. i dont feel a darn thing.  i'm like a plastered screen tv--- there for the command of others to turn me on and turn me off... functioning like another materialistic paraphernalia.  am i worth anything?  the purpose of me to make my own decisions, walk my own life?  NOTHING.  I'm torn between love (not the romantic kind but the passion kind) and life.  Obedience and disobedience.  I see nothing. nothing for the future of me.  no good, no bad.

i need to leave this life of concealled lies and obscured truths.  i need to live i life i think is worth living for me.  living out in the streets... experience the world for myself where the world is absorbing me, i'm absorbing the world.  i need that connection to click with me.. for it to breathe air into my lungs and awaken me once again...

and when i'm finally there... i will cry but it will be, instead of the tears that i've drained for the sake of sorrow, it will be a cry for joy, of enlightenment, of knowledge that perhaps will be little but is still tangible.  i'm like a child whose environment is her mother's womb; i will be shocked and discomforted when i'm brought to the light, to the raw but embossed reality... but in that moment, i will be happy. 

if i died now, i would not feel a thing... i want to see it.. and i want to feel it.  if i died after my enlightenment, i will simle upon my death and welcome my sweet and endless sleep. it will be bitter sweet but more sweet than bitter. 

i know i'm very selfish to think this of myself... and to grieve over my condolences at this point in time.. and i know others are suffering with their problems as much as i am myself.. and perhaps, on a larger scale, their problems are much more pulsating... but i need this for myself because without it, i am not alive.

i am a walking stupor, fallen deep in the sleep that may not be waken even if i was forced to.  i need this time for me.. and to see me again befoer ei can see others.  this is a selfish act.. and i feel awful for being the self absorbed monster i am.  but until i get over myself... i cannot be the funfilled person i need to be.. i still continue to help others but in those moments, am i feeling the fulfillment or necessity to help another?  is it genuine?  i hope it is.. but i wont be sure until i can feel soemthing real.. and this experience i described above that i hope i will achieve.. that will be a feeling of emotion... of raw expererience.  does that make sense to you?

i hope it does and please forgive me while i combust and swallow my own ashes.  until then, i dont think it is fair for those around me to entitle them to aquaint me as a friend, foe, daughter, student, or person. 

please forgive me. 

-me