Is it Indecisiveness? Anxiety? or Apathy?

Life seems to be a complete 180 turn around lately.. maybe I'm thinking too much but maybe I'm not?  Should i do this or should i do that?  Instinct vs. logic but does not logic include instinct?  ><  i'm a tiny spider (ughh.. and i hate spiders... and yes, maybe i do hate myself sometimes) dangling on its thin webby string in a summer storm.. and the wind carries me... succumbs every bit of my lungs, instantaneously expanding my lungs to its fullest capacity perhaps almost suffocating me.. crushing my sinews... and splater what is left of me onto the ground.  I love life because there's so much more to learn but i'M SICK OF life although i have every possible necessity in order to survive.  i have every body part intact and vital organs to serve me the purpose of homeostasis.  I often ponder what life'll be like if i am not the amy chi i've made myself to become today.  what if i was a total definant child whose rage and anger devoured me wholly?  what if i was bashful and completely igonorant (which i am, everyone is)?  what if this, what if that?
 
I know, i've been such a hermit lately.. but i can't help it.  I keep making up excuses for myself and others to not go out, not to talk, not to do anything.  Anxiety swallows my self-confidence and self-conscious thoughts immediately flare into action.  It's not that i'm afraid of meeting new ppl or updating my life with friends.. it's more like a feeling of apathy.  And yes, i've been extremely apathetic lately and it kills me to think i am.  I dont like it and i dont want it.. and yet i am it.  BLAH.  get me outta this nightmare.  What am i doooinng?
 
and yet, i am content.  discontent.  I'M SUCH A CONTRADICTION! 
 
i am content at the moments i feel hermit like bc life is going well, no one bothers me.. no one to intrude my personal bubble.  but i'm discontent because i miss being with my friends.. i miss going out and having fun.. being careless.  and at the same time, i enjoy it.. i'm much more observant.. as i'd like to think i often am.. but a lot more alert.  why>?  why am i doing this to myself?  why can't i be completely content?  why? 
 
 
WHY DO I ALWAYS ASK WHY WHENI DONT HAVE AN ANSWER?  WHY DOES ANYONE?
hahaha.. i'm sooo angry at myself that i'm laaughing soo hard i dont even know what happened to begin with.  why?
 
hahahah..
 
 
gah.  what a gloomy update.  though, in reality, i'm not extremely glum.. i'm not reallie at all. 
 
how odd.
 
btw, reason y i havne't updated in a while = i wanted to keep my entry "Mirage too good to be true" on the blog page bc i reallie liked that entry.  but anyhoo.  the world keeps turning, and i'm stuck with it. 
  
i want to drop summer school entirely and STOP ALL TIME, go on a road trip or something and just READ.... DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. 
 
 
MAYBE, i just need to get away from this suburban life.
 
I suddenly have an urge for nature.  i do.  i reallie realie do.  somewhere quite..
 
i know what i want.
 
i want tranquility.  :]