while lying on my bed with headphones emitting music to drown me... hopefully to sleep, my whole life flashed before my eyes... before i knew it, i was imagining how my future would be like.


funny to say because i havne't been able to envision a future for myself until last night. but still, the future i envisioned was so surreal. i imagined how elated i'd feel if graduated.. had a job.. moved out.. somewhere... i was content.. but the whole seen changed as i tried for medical school. then reality hit. what am i doing now to help me get there? nothhing. absolutely nothing.

what if i died before i was able to graduate? say... i developed malignant melanoma... say... i was intensively iron deficiently anemic... or my ulcers finally bleed out my heart. what then? my spirit dies... my body dies... and i will return to this lofty earth... belonging once again as a child of the world.. of earth. every element returned to its natural state. somehow this gives me comfort.


fear. what is it? fear of death.. no. fear of the living? perhaps.. im tired. let me rest my eyes... perhaps they'll never open again? -_-