thank goodness for the sake of writing to maintain self sanity.
i just awoke from an uber sad dream. my whole body aches, my pillow case and blankets are soaked, and i feel like crap-- what a contrast to the dream i had a few days previous.
*sigh* i'm definitely feeling the pressure now.. of the tourney, gigantic shit load of school work i need to start doing, future planning, and personal issues. i want next week to come already so i can get it all over with but then again, i dont because i need more time to study. i can't wait til spring break. i can't wait to see people i haven't seen in ages, months, days... gah! i can't wait to feel comfortable again.
i want to scream on the top of my lungs, cry my tear ducts dry, and laugh until my stomach kills... and then run until i drop. haha. blahhhhhh i can't wait until break. i MUST MUST MUST visit the beach/bay. i must must must see the must see people i love oh so very much and miss oh so very much!
la la la la la... gah
shake it off. shake it off. only a few more weeks. damn it amy chi.. damn you. get yourself together. suck it in, breathe it out. the world is yours. take it in. learn it. love it. live it.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
:)
I dont know why but i was in an incredibly good mood last night. I fenced semi well, read a good portion of my leisure book China Men by Maxine Hong Kingston before I fell asleep, and had a really good dream where I sang, danced, pranced, and painted. hahahahahaha.. i can vaguely remember the queer looks i received from ppl in my dream.
Anyway.. I'm excited about this weekend's Berkeley tournament. I HAVE MY OWN GEAR! whooot... hahaha.. but i havne't been to practice much this quarter and wonder how i'll perform. eeeh, i'm not worried about ranking high/low... it's all about having fun and gaining more experience, yah? :) I am worried tho, that my right ankle and left fifth metatarsal won't cooperate and fail me. :-\ *knock on wood*
On the flip coin.... I should be stressed! Midterms, papers, labs, and quizzes flying left and right next week.. all of which I haven't really touched. -_- and esp. with the tournament this weekend.. i wonder how i'll manage. aahhhhhh.. mmmk. I'll start crackin.
<3 for all. good day to you, mi amor.
Anyway.. I'm excited about this weekend's Berkeley tournament. I HAVE MY OWN GEAR! whooot... hahaha.. but i havne't been to practice much this quarter and wonder how i'll perform. eeeh, i'm not worried about ranking high/low... it's all about having fun and gaining more experience, yah? :) I am worried tho, that my right ankle and left fifth metatarsal won't cooperate and fail me. :-\ *knock on wood*
On the flip coin.... I should be stressed! Midterms, papers, labs, and quizzes flying left and right next week.. all of which I haven't really touched. -_- and esp. with the tournament this weekend.. i wonder how i'll manage. aahhhhhh.. mmmk. I'll start crackin.
<3 for all. good day to you, mi amor.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Life, Death, Love, Truth, Honesty, and Purity-- Unedited
hmm.. where to even begin???
It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.
Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.
The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.
And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:
I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.
Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).
I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3
On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*
Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.
________________________________
"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."
-"Death and the Plougman"
It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.
Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.
The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.
And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:
I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.
Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).
I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3
On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*
Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.
________________________________
"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."
-"Death and the Plougman"
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Wash me anew
I think i want to start a new project. an art project. and a nature project. i need to earth myself.
I looked up at the sky today and got loss in its vessel of beauty, mercy, and tranquility. I haven't done that in a while. I think im going to spend tomorrow at the park, weather permitting. :)
I looked up at the sky today and got loss in its vessel of beauty, mercy, and tranquility. I haven't done that in a while. I think im going to spend tomorrow at the park, weather permitting. :)
I stole it
In 2005.... I...
(x) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
( ) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office
OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
( ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
(x) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( )saw a favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone
(x) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
( ) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office
OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
( ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
(x) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( )saw a favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone
goodbyes
If I was to disappear from the lives I onced walked into, forgive me.
My zest for change has taken ahold. Nostalgic I am--no less than a contradition of life and death. I am unsure of who I am or what I am to become... Im not quite sure I like what I am turning myself into.
___
what makes me more curious...
if only i did take up my acceptance at Boston Uni...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/02/03/bioterrorism.lab.ap/index.html
or followed my aspirations and passion...
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/gallery.php
we always want what we cannot have. sigh.
My zest for change has taken ahold. Nostalgic I am--no less than a contradition of life and death. I am unsure of who I am or what I am to become... Im not quite sure I like what I am turning myself into.
___
what makes me more curious...
if only i did take up my acceptance at Boston Uni...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/02/03/bioterrorism.lab.ap/index.html
or followed my aspirations and passion...
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/gallery.php
we always want what we cannot have. sigh.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)