the monster within

Many years have past since the debut of my apathy toward life. Extentialist, i am but a dweller in the flesh. Adverse in my own battling characters, i often wonder, should i ever have multipersonalities to a point where one can enlist me in a mental assylum, what personas I would have and how I would handle such. I am a walking contradiction of sorts. Because of my nature and thirst for change-- constant change-- i never aspire to settle. Because i cannot settle, i cannot establish. because i cannot establish, i cannot sustain a likeable relationship with another human being. how can i if i cannot commit to side with my internal battle of behaviors?

rambles shambles. i'm a wreck. noone knows it and noone frankly cares except me.

I tend to set myself up to burn bridges. I dont think i do this intentionally, but i often distant myself from society in fear that i will dissappoint and/or displease others. i dont know who i am or what i am set out to be. i cannot be content with myself, thusly i fear to entertain the responsibility to sustain a mutal relationship in respect, honor, gratitude, and dignity between friends and lovers. what i do have is trust and ever so ironically, i found trust in the few but record friendships i somehow manage to keep in the past years and coming.
These friendships worked out because I know that however i may change, our friendship will not. this is what i look for in a friendship. consistency. i crave it. i am forever in the debt of my true and closest of friends who have taught me to love, grow, and learn. I love thee, and i hope you know who you are.

forgive me. i am a horrible daughter. sister. friend. lover. person.

Hooked. Simply HOOKED.

I thought it was bad enough on regular school days, but I underestimated its effect on me. I have FINALS-- finals that I must do extremely well on to make up for the debts I have acquired in my classes. Two down, one to go. Nonetheless, I should be studying like tomorrow is today. I acquiesce. I am HOOKED. All I can think about is how i want to kick some ass in fencing. hahaha.

Anyway... there is a non-league event:
COLD STEEL Tourney at the Santa Rosa Junior College- Haehl Pavilion: Santa Rosa, CA. January 6, 2007. Be there or be square! :) :) Should be fun. whoooT~~


:) fencing fencing fencing fencing :)

:( finals finals finals finals :(

la la la. i'm bored and studying for finals

in the mood for Santana

Song: Why Don't You And I


Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin' like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world, be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break ?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
Get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
But about the same time you walk by
And I say oh here we go again, oh

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I'll say why don't you and I get together take and on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I`ll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again