I'm failing.

But why am I not panicking?

Apathy.





October. What a month. It always is.

:)

hmmm... lost and found.... housecleaning......

September 10, 2007

I am most content. what a wonderful evening! no less a lovely way to end the night with policemen knockin' on my car window asking us, 'what the hell are you two doing parked along side the street next to a park, seats reclined, feet up at nearly 2am in the morning?' good game. bwhahaha... just another memorable summer night rendezvous. mission accomplished.

Believe.

I need to believe in me again.

I need you to believe I can, too.

random unedited musings

Summer is here and I decided to drop all three of my summer courses I signed up for after one week of attendance.

Why?

Why stress out now when I have the entire next year to stress and figure out what I want in life?
_________________________

There's this internship opportunity in Paris, France next summer I really want to apply for, but it's obvious my successes of achieving that position is less than 0.99%. :P No harm in trying is there?
__________________________

I've known me long enough to know that I dispise being pushed to do things I dont want to do. And I hate the feeling of not being good enough. Where have all my confidence gone? Why am I so consumed in wanting the approval of others that I cannot see truth in it myself? Ugh. I used to take charge. Russell was right. I am a velvet hammer.

well look out people because the velvet is coming off, and you will certainly hear a fucking bang coming your way if you insist on crossing me. no more playing nice.

incoherent, incomplete thoughts. grey matter scramble. please disregard.

i've been contemplating a lot about what i really want to do in life and to what extent am i capable of reaching those goals. if i have any that is.. tapping into my potentials... whatever that may be or however much i may have
it's... i dont know... disheartening that i haven't trusted my ability to be ambitious and determined for so long i used to be sooo...... driven....
and ever since college, i've just let opportunity after opportunity escape. im going along with the flow.... keened on getting dibs in with the college life.. the college scene. and all this time, i've squandered time. precious time. but maybe this is a gift

med school.
john simmons.
thirst for knowledge
being around truth seekers
gift? square one. maybe its who we are.. phases? no.
maybe it's more simple then this. maybe i'll be content with just haivng someone i love around. maybe life is as simple as that. family.

but why question. why back to square one? why the resurface of these realms.

relentless self improvement

relentless seeker of change

human nature. innate ambition. selfishness. society. success. how do we define it? victories. what's next?

boredom? superiority among mammals and all lving things. but the most fragile in the open.

if u can't be the sword. be the dagger. the thorns. survivial of the fittest.

priceless

It just doesn't cut it.


The smell of your skin still lingers on mine.
The thought of you like staples to my brain.
My stomach twists at the sight of you
the air in which you ignore my presence.

the idea of you... weightless, desirable
yet impalpable.

In the perfect fairy tale,
you'd ask me to be yours
But we both know it isnt true.

I'm letting you go.

Hobo Spiders aka "Aggressive Spiders"

I found a bug bite on my left leg yesterday after waking up from a nap and it's itching like hell. It's no ordinary bite; and from the looks of it, the deed is from some sort of spider. Hours later, my daddy caught a spider in my room. I was curious if the spider he caught was the one that bit me.. so a-researching I did:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobo_spider
http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/home/spider2.html

I'm pretty sure that's the spider he caught and the very spider that bit me. It's poisonous alright. I had a major headache yesterday and I slept a lot today. Everytime I ate, I felt nauseated. The wound itself did blister a bit and started oozing. Gross. Now there's a tiny lesion. Sigh. I dont think i'll be going to the docs. It seems minor and i've had bites similar to this one in the past I think. Anyway, if I die, you'll know the truth. hahaha. sweet deal.

Good night, all!

insanity to retain the sanity

Sikstine (2:07:42 PM): wow

Auto Response from n0rmally strange (2:07:21 PM): today is a major 'BLAH' day. why?


because it just is.


and now to un-blah the blah day... i must arc. and arc... and shower. and REsearch my research.... among other things....


ya dig?

hah. hah. hahahahahahahaha.... hah. ha. hahhhhhh..... o_0


Sikstine (2:07:44 PM): you are like
Sikstine (2:07:46 PM): SO CRAZY
Sikstine (2:07:49 PM): it's unbelievable lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:15 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:18 PM): why am i crazy?
Sikstine (2:12:46 PM): your away message
Sikstine (2:12:49 PM): have you read it?
n0rmally strange (2:12:29 PM): lol
Sikstine (2:12:52 PM): it's crazy!
Sikstine (2:12:52 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:32 PM): yes.
n0rmally strange (2:12:45 PM): what part of it/
Sikstine (2:13:07 PM): you're crazy!
Sikstine (2:13:21 PM): it progressively gets more insan
Sikstine (2:13:22 PM): e
n0rmally strange (2:13:05 PM): HAHAHAHA
Sikstine (2:13:40 PM): I would copy and paste which parts
Sikstine (2:13:41 PM): but
Sikstine (2:13:43 PM): it's the whole thing
Sikstine (2:13:43 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:13:27 PM): precisely the tone i want it to be
Sikstine (2:13:58 PM): oh trust me
Sikstine (2:13:59 PM): I know the tone
n0rmally strange (2:13:45 PM): lol
Sikstine (2:14:12 PM): if you said this in real life, I could imagine the whole thing
n0rmally strange (2:13:54 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sikstine (2:14:25 PM): I wouldn't even have the decency to punch you
Sikstine (2:14:36 PM): I'd offer you a ride to the mental health hospital
Sikstine (2:14:47 PM): or my room, since I'm studying psychopathology now
n0rmally strange (2:15:49 PM): LOL
n0rmally strange (2:15:52 PM): why thank you

i dont know what im doing.

Sometimes the one thing we think we want most is the one thing we realize we do not want at all.

Interphase

am i depressed?

I hate to think that i am but i've been finding more and more excuses to sleep these days, esp. because i can't run nor go to the arc because of my crapped up knee to relieve stress. why am i depressed if i indeed am? i dont feel depressed.. not all the time at least. why am i trying to convince myself that i'm okay? or am i really really already okay? i am frustrated. i'll give myself that. but at what? at who? myself? yes. myself.

grad school. or med school? no schoool? work. what i'm doing now to get myself there. the vagueness of "there" is feeding off what is left of my energy. i need to find a new passion. a new ambition. damn it. i need to figure out what i want.

hahahaha.. gah... you do not want to get into this tangled mess inside my head.


I'd like nothing more right now then to go home and spend summer with my family. I want to feel at home again.

At a lame attempt to figure out what I don't want... here are the things i want to happen by the time summer ends:

spend time with family
finish summer session I
Thomas' wedding in Santa Barbara!!!! :)
finish the research project under my professor and perhaps start a new one! we're sooooo close it's exciting!
bake
ugh... i need fresh air. i really do. i want to be content. damn it. i want it so badly. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
i want to do things i've never done before and feel alive. i want to do things i havne't done in a while and feel refreshed.
go sky diving (any takers?)
go to a beach... or a lake...
go hiking!!
go stargazing

i want to see my friends over summer. so please, if you're in town, let's do something. something fun. or nothing at all. let's sit at the park and gaze at the vessel of beauty that blankets over us without exchanging a single word and walk away feeling like it's the best conversation we've ever had. those are always wonderful. i just want to be able to smile and laugh and really really mean it. i crave it. i crave you.

i'm not depressed. i'm just stuck in the interphase in this abyss.. swinging on a pendulum and i can slip either which way... to doldrums or to happiness. damn it, kasey... i'm oscillating too.. and i'm feeling so impatient. i need and want to get off. help. summer.. please come... please come now. i just want spring quarter to be done and over with. i need that week of break before summer session I. i need to live again.. i need to be refreshed. i need to breathe. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

breathe in slow and breathe in deep so that every femtometer of alveoli is saturated with air. hold it in until the fervor of your lungs make you feel as though every nerve of your body is shreding into spews and spools of threaded DNA... until your head and sinews rupture.. until you hear nothing but your heart beat and see nothing but a flash of light and then blackness.

i dont know if i'll eveer learn how to like someone. is it that i'm so caught up in the idea of wanting to be happy or feeling i have that capacity to make someone happy that i force myself to believe i have a chance? desires vitiates the application for ambition.. so much that it impedes all senses and purges logic. i learn the hard way.

UGH

ugh.. i hate this feeling... such that this pensile nest of every cantankerous, vile, obstinate thought, idea.. summation will inevitably befall and ambush all i that i have.. all that i thought i've figured out. SIGH. why is it so hard? why is there so much complexity in simplicity? ugh.

daniel kasey estrada.. i miss you. a lot. and that's an understatement of all sorts. :P

Happiness

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE MONSTROSITY! :)


Today, my youngest sister is having her 1-day-belated birthday party. She's 12 now. And as i'm running errands trying to work the magic behind the scenes of her party, i am elated with satisfaction of how smoothly things are going. I realized how much I've grown.. we've grown. i love being a sister. The party is awesome... decorations and all.. Hawaiian/Lilo and Stitch theme. hahaha. What a contrast to last year when all hell broke loose. She's happy. And in that moment, life is grand. Oh, how things can change in one short year. one blink of an eye. anyway.. i'm being spiraled into the natural contemplation of life and reevaluation, yet again. meeeehhhhh, let me just shrug that off for now while i enjoy cloud nine. Seeing people i care about happy makes me happy.

The end.

nostalgic

i'm trying to manage my time wisely but to no avail. i need to set my priorities straight.

there are so many intangible feelings and thoughts floating in my head. the agitation is suffocating. i'm feeling more detached and more confused about what i'm doing and where i'm going in life.

i'm nostaligic.

i miss my little monstrosities.
i miss art.

and of no particular order or reason as to why im listing this but simply because it comes to thought...
i miss ms. george. i miss mar mar. i miss noel. i miss kasey. i miss sung. i miss trevor. wow. trevor. and boy do i feel horrible for losing contact with him. anyway... i miss jen. i miss michelle. i miss kevy, i miss a lot of other ppl.

and i thank you for everyone that has been there for me... time and time again. i am forever in your debt. i'm the luckiest girl on the planet.

_____________________________

Maniacal K (12:48:17 AM): ahh yes...Amy Chi.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from n0rmally strange (12:48:17 AM): downgrading and upgrading priorities. go figure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maniacal K (12:49:06 AM): seemingly so far away, but certainly as close to my heart as she has ever been.
Maniacal K (12:49:16 AM): good night.
Maniacal K signed off at 12:49:30 AM.
__________________________________


:) i needed to hear that. you have a knack for saying/showing up at all the right times. and i need not remind you that i love you... forever... MORE! :P

Carrot, Egg, or Coffee Bean?

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of
coffee the same way again........

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and
struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water
and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the
first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the
last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil,
without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the
carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in
a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She
did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter
to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed
the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the
coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter
then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that
each of these objects had faced the same adversity... boiling water.
Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and
unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it
softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer
shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the
boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans
were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had
changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on
your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with
pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am
I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the
heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a
financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and
stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee
bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance
that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the
fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at
their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When
the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate
yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a
carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Which one are YOU?

vacuum of existence

in the vacuum of existence, there exists spatial nothingness--no air. no matter. no substance known to mankind. as though one torpedo's through air, water, and space of existance... i feel as though i've ran into this spatial nothingness on full speed and energy; however i'm not fast enough to buy my way out. am i running? am i stuck? i cannot run since there is no friction to which i can force myself out. what now? am i afloat? am i falling? am i drifting? or am i traveling as full speed in it as i was entering it? it being nothingness? are things around me moving too slow as to almost at a stand still because i am moving at too fast of pace? or are they moving too quickly because i'm stuck in this spatial nothingness so that things seem to move too slow? in the vacuum of existence, do i even exist?


OH BOTHER the unfathomable. :P

bleh

As of late, I've been uber pensive and introspective. Enough said....for now at the least.


I miss my friends, esp. those I haven't heard from in a LOOOONNNG while. I crave your touch and your voice so please do call me or i'll hunt you ;)

On the top of my current hit list:

Marielle like Loreal! ;)
Jen
Meems (and she's coming tonight! yay.. i love my cuzzie)


and... change of plans. no more officer's dinner. no more USC on the 10th, it's party with mar :) whoo hoo!

hmmm... everything is changing so quickly. for the better? or worse? *shrugs*

I'm quite the busy bee these days.

so much has happened i dont even know where to begin. maybe i'll rant about it in a later post.

notes to remind myself:
west coast tourney
midterms and solid studying
things that happened in between
family
self reliance
trust
honesty
risks
see nov. 7th post: http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2006/11/emo-hah-not-nearly-so-p.html

anyhoo, this coming month is going to BUSY! all my weekends til the end of feb are already packed. there's studying and the officer's dinner party this weekend. linkmyer the next. the formal and chinese new years the next next and lastly, paper and studying that final weekend of feb. and march'll be just around the corner.


thus, i'm committing myself to academic arrest for the next two weeks so i can go to the Linkmyer Invitation at USC in Los Angeles to fence my first USFA tourney on Feb. 10th! That's the weekend before the hectic scheduling of my midterms: three, back to back to back on W, Th, F, some quizzes, and reports along with that. the deadline for the minor app is that week too! aaahhh..BUT! it'll be worth it. i'm excited, esp. because after my last midterm, i get to purk up for the fencing formal on friday the 16th :) and then! i'll be home for chinese new years on saturday and sunday... AND! THERE'LL BE NO SCHOOL THAT FOLLOWING MONDAY! WHOOOT. i can't wait. busy buys busy until then and after.


catch you all later