Sometimes the one thing we think we want most is the one thing we realize we do not want at all.

Interphase

am i depressed?

I hate to think that i am but i've been finding more and more excuses to sleep these days, esp. because i can't run nor go to the arc because of my crapped up knee to relieve stress. why am i depressed if i indeed am? i dont feel depressed.. not all the time at least. why am i trying to convince myself that i'm okay? or am i really really already okay? i am frustrated. i'll give myself that. but at what? at who? myself? yes. myself.

grad school. or med school? no schoool? work. what i'm doing now to get myself there. the vagueness of "there" is feeding off what is left of my energy. i need to find a new passion. a new ambition. damn it. i need to figure out what i want.

hahahaha.. gah... you do not want to get into this tangled mess inside my head.


I'd like nothing more right now then to go home and spend summer with my family. I want to feel at home again.

At a lame attempt to figure out what I don't want... here are the things i want to happen by the time summer ends:

spend time with family
finish summer session I
Thomas' wedding in Santa Barbara!!!! :)
finish the research project under my professor and perhaps start a new one! we're sooooo close it's exciting!
bake
ugh... i need fresh air. i really do. i want to be content. damn it. i want it so badly. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
i want to do things i've never done before and feel alive. i want to do things i havne't done in a while and feel refreshed.
go sky diving (any takers?)
go to a beach... or a lake...
go hiking!!
go stargazing

i want to see my friends over summer. so please, if you're in town, let's do something. something fun. or nothing at all. let's sit at the park and gaze at the vessel of beauty that blankets over us without exchanging a single word and walk away feeling like it's the best conversation we've ever had. those are always wonderful. i just want to be able to smile and laugh and really really mean it. i crave it. i crave you.

i'm not depressed. i'm just stuck in the interphase in this abyss.. swinging on a pendulum and i can slip either which way... to doldrums or to happiness. damn it, kasey... i'm oscillating too.. and i'm feeling so impatient. i need and want to get off. help. summer.. please come... please come now. i just want spring quarter to be done and over with. i need that week of break before summer session I. i need to live again.. i need to be refreshed. i need to breathe. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

breathe in slow and breathe in deep so that every femtometer of alveoli is saturated with air. hold it in until the fervor of your lungs make you feel as though every nerve of your body is shreding into spews and spools of threaded DNA... until your head and sinews rupture.. until you hear nothing but your heart beat and see nothing but a flash of light and then blackness.

i dont know if i'll eveer learn how to like someone. is it that i'm so caught up in the idea of wanting to be happy or feeling i have that capacity to make someone happy that i force myself to believe i have a chance? desires vitiates the application for ambition.. so much that it impedes all senses and purges logic. i learn the hard way.

UGH

ugh.. i hate this feeling... such that this pensile nest of every cantankerous, vile, obstinate thought, idea.. summation will inevitably befall and ambush all i that i have.. all that i thought i've figured out. SIGH. why is it so hard? why is there so much complexity in simplicity? ugh.

daniel kasey estrada.. i miss you. a lot. and that's an understatement of all sorts. :P

Happiness

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE MONSTROSITY! :)


Today, my youngest sister is having her 1-day-belated birthday party. She's 12 now. And as i'm running errands trying to work the magic behind the scenes of her party, i am elated with satisfaction of how smoothly things are going. I realized how much I've grown.. we've grown. i love being a sister. The party is awesome... decorations and all.. Hawaiian/Lilo and Stitch theme. hahaha. What a contrast to last year when all hell broke loose. She's happy. And in that moment, life is grand. Oh, how things can change in one short year. one blink of an eye. anyway.. i'm being spiraled into the natural contemplation of life and reevaluation, yet again. meeeehhhhh, let me just shrug that off for now while i enjoy cloud nine. Seeing people i care about happy makes me happy.

The end.