i stare at myself in the mirror with the acknowledgment that past events--whether good or bad, however particularly the bad and the "never ever do again"s-- are the best things to ever happen to me. i have no regrets. but, guiltily (as there is always room for improvement), i still i wish i could have a major do-over nonetheless...to do more in life.. to be a better person.
c'est la vie! growth... it's what the future has to offer. be relentless <3! rethink and reshape impossibilities to possibilities. whoo hoo... aim high, fly higher :]
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
not so morbid. honest.
two quick things:
1. i'm disheartened. i woke up today from a dream that reenacted one of the exact moments i knew i should have cut myself loose-- the moment i knew i was in it too deep and the moment i knew he wasnt and never will be. i'm over it. i really really am. but it still stings like a bitch deep down inside apparently.
2. after last weekend's illness, having laid there alone in the dark with my thoughts to myself, i am glad to say i really have no regrets in life. i really am prepared to die.. at least i believe i am intellectually and emotionally ready since i didn't fear it when death crept through almost every fiber of my being that night. there is nothing in this world i long to stay and fight longer for--however morbid that may sound. i have loved and cared truly and deeply in the many levels of love there is (naively so with family/friends/significant others even if the love was/is unrequited). i have paid my dues in my half of relationships and share of the world having tried my best in situations genuinely. i am ready to let go, whenever the moment may come.
people really do die alone and there is nothing in the world to stop the fact.
fly high. :)
1. i'm disheartened. i woke up today from a dream that reenacted one of the exact moments i knew i should have cut myself loose-- the moment i knew i was in it too deep and the moment i knew he wasnt and never will be. i'm over it. i really really am. but it still stings like a bitch deep down inside apparently.
2. after last weekend's illness, having laid there alone in the dark with my thoughts to myself, i am glad to say i really have no regrets in life. i really am prepared to die.. at least i believe i am intellectually and emotionally ready since i didn't fear it when death crept through almost every fiber of my being that night. there is nothing in this world i long to stay and fight longer for--however morbid that may sound. i have loved and cared truly and deeply in the many levels of love there is (naively so with family/friends/significant others even if the love was/is unrequited). i have paid my dues in my half of relationships and share of the world having tried my best in situations genuinely. i am ready to let go, whenever the moment may come.
people really do die alone and there is nothing in the world to stop the fact.
fly high. :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
a due date for some mind cleansing
"Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes, you just don’t want to be comforted. Because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze, time to pull yourself together again and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go, and time to start again." -lovebot.
It doesnt seem likely that we will ever work out again and time has left me to conquer the dwelling upon our past and help me come to terms with what was and what is. He still haunts my dreams sometimes. Often times, it is of him coming back and us being friends again... and sometimes of him making small gestures to show that he still cares for me like he once did. At least they are no longer of him being mean or nonchalant toward me, which encompassed most of him-related dreams of mine just a few months back. I guess, I wish that whatever we had was real and the hope that he knows and feels that it will always be what it was but nevermore. That he wont deny that we had something special together. I dont' know what it is for him, and perhaps that's why it also cuts deeper: but I do know what it was for me... it was otherworldly. However twisted I became as my insecurities showed, however passionate and naive I was in letting an illusion of love made of his perhaps finicky blanket of affection for me, I loved him. I loved him even when I hated him, spited him. He was my escape from me-- of what is raw and undeniably vile in nature my musings may be. He was my escape and I loved him for that.
People dont leave because things are hard. they leave because it's no longer worth it.
love anything and your heart with be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to noone, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements. lock it up in a casket or coffin of your own selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken, it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable. --C.S. Lewis
speaking of love(of
which Who knows the
meaning;or how dreaming
becomes
if your heart’s mind)i
guess a grassblade
Thinks beyond or
around(as poems are
made)Our picking it. this
caress that laugh
both quickly signify
life’s only half(through
deep weather then
or none let’s feel
all)mind in mind flesh
In flesh succeeding disappear
--eecummings
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
— Jack Keruoac
no one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. no one stays in love by chance, it is by work and noone falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.
I taught myself to always see the signs of falling in love. The special feeling. The way my heart sped up. All the emotions I had felt before.
I taught myself something new today.
That love can never be felt the way it once was. I didn’t know love until I found it for the first time and reminders of what love once felt like have no bearing in the love i’ll feel in the future.
I only need to keep my heart open, feet steady, and my mind open to the unknown because I have more to discover that can’t be found from retracing my steps.
— Boy Meets Love
It doesnt seem likely that we will ever work out again and time has left me to conquer the dwelling upon our past and help me come to terms with what was and what is. He still haunts my dreams sometimes. Often times, it is of him coming back and us being friends again... and sometimes of him making small gestures to show that he still cares for me like he once did. At least they are no longer of him being mean or nonchalant toward me, which encompassed most of him-related dreams of mine just a few months back. I guess, I wish that whatever we had was real and the hope that he knows and feels that it will always be what it was but nevermore. That he wont deny that we had something special together. I dont' know what it is for him, and perhaps that's why it also cuts deeper: but I do know what it was for me... it was otherworldly. However twisted I became as my insecurities showed, however passionate and naive I was in letting an illusion of love made of his perhaps finicky blanket of affection for me, I loved him. I loved him even when I hated him, spited him. He was my escape from me-- of what is raw and undeniably vile in nature my musings may be. He was my escape and I loved him for that.
People dont leave because things are hard. they leave because it's no longer worth it.
love anything and your heart with be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to noone, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements. lock it up in a casket or coffin of your own selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken, it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable. --C.S. Lewis
speaking of love(of
which Who knows the
meaning;or how dreaming
becomes
if your heart’s mind)i
guess a grassblade
Thinks beyond or
around(as poems are
made)Our picking it. this
caress that laugh
both quickly signify
life’s only half(through
deep weather then
or none let’s feel
all)mind in mind flesh
In flesh succeeding disappear
--eecummings
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
— Jack Keruoac
no one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. no one stays in love by chance, it is by work and noone falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.
I taught myself to always see the signs of falling in love. The special feeling. The way my heart sped up. All the emotions I had felt before.
I taught myself something new today.
That love can never be felt the way it once was. I didn’t know love until I found it for the first time and reminders of what love once felt like have no bearing in the love i’ll feel in the future.
I only need to keep my heart open, feet steady, and my mind open to the unknown because I have more to discover that can’t be found from retracing my steps.
— Boy Meets Love
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Friends. No. ......Love.
What a night yesterday...
distant sounds of ceremonial drumming, chanting, and flutes characteristic of native americans perhaps(?) around my house until 2am in the morning...
heated arguments and discussions
brutal honesty of sorts
the unforgiving terse good night...
the make up text of "i love you's and i'm madly in love with you"
and then the gratefulness to know that there is someone who is willing to give you truth and honesty always without having to ask for it... and the knowing that someone will love you for you, no matter your character... and to have someone know you so well to know what buttons to push to make you a better person even when doing so will make your blood boil and cool and calm in a minute's time which may seem to last an eternity. this is precisely why i love my best friend and why i love our moments-- how we can tear each other into shreds and glue each other back, effortlessly, anew like the quarrels never existed. but i think i'll let him burn in my silence a little longer. spite. i love how our peculiar relationship works. :D and if you're reading this, i love you. dont think for a second that i dont because i really, really, honestly do.... however corrosive your tongue may be at times. :P thank you for always being there for me. you know who you are, asshole ;)
distant sounds of ceremonial drumming, chanting, and flutes characteristic of native americans perhaps(?) around my house until 2am in the morning...
heated arguments and discussions
brutal honesty of sorts
the unforgiving terse good night...
the make up text of "i love you's and i'm madly in love with you"
and then the gratefulness to know that there is someone who is willing to give you truth and honesty always without having to ask for it... and the knowing that someone will love you for you, no matter your character... and to have someone know you so well to know what buttons to push to make you a better person even when doing so will make your blood boil and cool and calm in a minute's time which may seem to last an eternity. this is precisely why i love my best friend and why i love our moments-- how we can tear each other into shreds and glue each other back, effortlessly, anew like the quarrels never existed. but i think i'll let him burn in my silence a little longer. spite. i love how our peculiar relationship works. :D and if you're reading this, i love you. dont think for a second that i dont because i really, really, honestly do.... however corrosive your tongue may be at times. :P thank you for always being there for me. you know who you are, asshole ;)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Dear luck of goodness:
Hi, Amy here all flustered and stressed out asking for a HUGE favor. I rarely ask-- no, beg... for your assistance; but here I am today begging for you to be by my side for the next 2.5 weeks. You see, there's this huge final coming up and the huge board exam that's going to determine my life for the next x amount of years. So please, please be there for me and help me pass. Thanks. I owe you plenty.
Much love,
Amy.
silly rabbit. tricks are for kids! :P
Oh and by the way, I'm growing up way too fast. And life is changing way too quickly. If you know the secret of how to stop time for just a while, please, do share. K. Back to studying.
Much love,
Amy.
silly rabbit. tricks are for kids! :P
Oh and by the way, I'm growing up way too fast. And life is changing way too quickly. If you know the secret of how to stop time for just a while, please, do share. K. Back to studying.
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