candid pucker up!

more surprises

First and foremost: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUNG! :D i miss youuuuuuu, lots. hope ur day goes well. best of wishes and thoughts to you.

Secondly, chem gang + ernie and chris cheered me up big time yesterday after the bball game (which i mgiht add.. SUCKS crapoy even tho we won UCSB). Having just gotten out of my midterm for STUPid ASA2, I was in an extremely crappy mood--as one might have guessed, i screwed myself over big time. i didn't even finish the dumb essay and 33% of my grade is now down the drain. *sigh* anyway.. so i tried my best to cheer up during the game but it just didn't help. afterward, we hung out: wendy, christine, frank, ernie, chris, and me... in the parking lot (Oh! and i saw a shooting star!!) until frank dragged me to the junction where we took forever to get salsa dip and chips cause we're the most indecisive ppl on the planet.. and frank got the cashier to make the most confusing face ever when he asked: are there any chips for dip? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. you had to be there. "excuse me? i dont understand your question" hahahaha. ooo man. alrite. so anyway... long story short, they threw me a mini surprise party. it was great. the night/day ended well when we drove bak from safeway, our late night excursion. you guys are soo great! i love u!

i'm tired. and contemplative. goodnite.

Surprises

Today, i am a year older than last. 19. i'm such an old hag.... with back problems! haha.. indeed. It's my first bday ever to spend it with friends and I thank you all for everyone who called/imed/emailed/etc me. I LOVE you guys! thanx for remembering.. i seriously didn't expect anything. u are the backbone of my life. i sincerely thank you x infinity and beyond! thank u, chem gang, for singing happy bday in CHEM today.. hahaha. that was so embarassingly hilarious! thank you linh for the pleasant balloons and flowers surprise on my desk wen i came home. thank you, karen.. my older sister, who came with bearing gifts and a cake! haha. and thank you to my apartment/room mates who took me out for dinner. i love you all! thank you thank you thank you. all my friends are awesome-st of all awesome-ness!

Something that made me smile today:

Maniacal K: hmm...maybe i should just hand deliver it...
Maniacal K: I guess you'll have to wait and see
Maniacal K: but if I go, and you're not home...you'll never get another letter...EVER
Maniacal K: heheh...
n0rmally strange: after..6? HAHAHA
Maniacal K: wait...when did I say you were setting the conditions?
Maniacal K: you're either there, or else you dont love me...there is no "after...6?"
Maniacal K: ooo
n0rmally strange: but imma have to trek bak to davis sunday morning or sat. nite. i dont know yet
Maniacal K: take that
n0rmally strange: hahahaha
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Maniacal K: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: so friday?
Maniacal K: friday night...IF I decide to go...but if you're not there...I'll have to seriously reconsider our relationship...
Maniacal K: IF

Maniacal K: Joyeux Anniversaire

Maniacal K: Alles Gute zum Geburtstag


n0rmally strange: english please?
n0rmally strange: haha
Maniacal K: Buon Compleanno
Maniacal K: Feliz Cumpleaños
n0rmally strange: hahaha
n0rmally strange: thanx dood
n0rmally strange: :-)
Maniacal K: and what would a birthday be, w/o a wonderful birthday card cliche!
Maniacal K: "On your birthday, I'm wishing you something you've always given me...happiness, laughter and lots of love."
n0rmally strange: aweeeeeeee
n0rmally strange: hahaha. i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Maniacal K: or a birthday poem?
n0rmally strange: HAHAHA
Maniacal K: "On your birthday
stretch for a sunbeam...
Reach for a star...
Go for a beautiful dream...

Pick out some wishes,
no matter how far,
or how hard to reach
they may seem...

Cherish hopes dear to your heart...
And as a new year comes in view,
I will add my wishes to yours
that this year they will come true"
n0rmally strange: :-)
n0rmally strange: kasey estradaaaaaaaa
n0rmally strange: i miss you
n0rmally strange: **virtual hug** HAHA
Maniacal K: hmmm...
Maniacal K: Happy Birthday Amy
Maniacal K: I love you soo mcuh
Maniacal K: such a strange kind of love...
n0rmally strange: indeed
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: bak at you x infinity
n0rmally strange: thank you, kasey
n0rmally strange: goodnite. swt dreams!!

Yes, what a strange kind of love. :)


thank you, everyone.. for today.

btw,

HAPPY CHINESE/VIETNAMESE/LAOS.ETC NEW YEARS!! WHOO hoooO

Song of my soul

everytime my heart aches... the thought of you keeps me going. i miss you. and everytime i do, this song soothes me, cradles me, and sings me pure.. the only song i cry endlessly for the bittersweet sorrows and happiness in life. i wish you never had to go. i love you. i'll never forget you.

Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch then bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white and the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying, How do you do?
They're really saying, I, I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?

Words

Somethings on this blog perhaps shouldn't have been said or shouldn't be kept relevant. Whatever it may be, it is my policy and my belief that the past is my past and that, that has been written, shall not be erased. Whether it be good, bad, or mutual... these are my thoughts, my words.

Live for the moment.

I WANNA GO SEE IT!

Alright.. so apparently i haven't heard much about my art piece that's in the Smithsonian Las Vegas Art Museum so I emailed the lady: here's the response:
__________________________________________________________________

Subject: RE: art quotent
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 09:50:38 -0800
From: "Johnson, Cottie M." Add to Address Book
To: "Amy Chi"


Dude! Your piece was the TALK of the opening! Yes, I sent the piece to Las Vegas and it is on display there right now, in a nice new expensive frame…….apparently at the opening reception your piece made quite a stir and many comments were made regarding it…..and wait until you see the zine it is in…….too cool! Thanks for helping me look good too for putting this all together, your zine is in the mail today. In fact, I’ll send 2……….



Call me if you like,

Cottie Johnson *edit*





-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Chi [mailto:n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, December 17, 2004 8:43 PM
To: Johnson, Cottie M.
Subject: Re: art quotent



Hi Cottie! This is Amy Chi from Sheldon High. I was wondering if there are any news updates about my art piece "Freedom Dance" that you said was going into the Art Quotient and the Las Vegas Art Museum? Just a thought that reigned my curiousity. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!



Amy Chi

n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com

4 Emerald Creek Court

Sacramento, CA 95824

home: **edit**

cell: **edit**

"Johnson, Cottie M." wrote:

Hey!

Here is the link I spoke of, you piece is supposed to be in it this year!

Yee haw!

Way to go…………ttfn

Cottie Johnson

http://www.artquotient.com/



_____________________________


This is so fucking rad.. i'm SOO EXCITED---my second piece in an Art Museum.. and this one is in a SMITHSONIAN BRANCH! MOother of goodness......

too bad, noone else cares enough to go with me to Vegas. Everyone's busy. Has things to do.... and i'm here, sitting, wishing i can see it.
BOOOOOOOOooooooooo

who's line is it anyway?

"""I woke up this morning feeling like i did that night
I don't want your pity or your damn excuse
don't tell me it was because we were both fucked up
or that you'll take a raincheck
cause you're due to make another stampede.
your scent is still everywhere
in my hair and on my skin
you're lips contaminated mine
and the thought of you is like staples to my brain
maybe if i knew you meant some of it or non at all,
it'd be okay if u were to leave
and tell me u only want to be friends.
but the fact is
you took my silly feelings
and pulled my strings
you left me hanging loose with my foolish naviety
tossed me aside.
stop being such a donkey
and make a stand
just tell me ur actions were selfish and meaningless
just speak the truth
i'll understand
dont spoil the friendship cause it's still preserved in a can
I'm not just one of ur other many puppets
nor ur typical flamboyant grl lookin for leisure
speak and break the silence
its the least you can do
i wont judge u/
after all, you did a good job contaminating everything
i'll understand"""

My Love... you are wonderful!

my brain lesion
of spindled spools
and
thicket thorns

do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...

and stain your hands crimson


Let's just say, i wasn't in the best of moods if not in one of the worse with killer pains and suffocating scholastic work.. as one can imagine with sky rocketing stress levels:
___________________________________________________________________________


Maniacal K (8:43:52 PM): seriously though... Kasey = madly in love with Amy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from n0rmally strange (8:43:52 PM): do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...

and stain your hands crimson

gotta start writing by 10....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maniacal K (8:44:05 PM): just thought I'd remind you...
Maniacal K (8:44:08 PM): good night
Maniacal K signed off at 8:44:26 PM.

___________________________________________________________________________

As should I remind you, my dear: I love you... forever MORE, Daniel Kasey Estrada! More than you nor I, or anyone for that matter, can ever imagine. :) A most precious and pecuilar love i cannot distinguish as any familiar type of love... it is a love unfamiliar to words and physical expression. Thanx for making me feel better. I miss youuuuuuuu!! :)

Presenting... Battle Ground 0. A vs. B vs. C!

aznblu3gurl (10:39:15 AM): i'm fine
aznblu3gurl (10:39:36 AM): there is serious drama here
aznblu3gurl (10:39:38 AM): haha
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:43:58 AM): >>?
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:44:01 AM): hhaha.. why
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:44:04 AM): what happened?
aznblu3gurl (10:44:41 AM): the root of the problem started with three guy after one girl
aznblu3gurl (10:44:57 AM): man... you'll love this story
aznblu3gurl (10:45:49 AM): using economical terms: originally company A had a monopoly but company A was not interested
aznblu3gurl (10:46:14 AM): company B and company C formed an oligopoly to force out company A
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:46:15 AM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
aznblu3gurl (10:46:39 AM): den the oligapoly became a perfectly competive market
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:46:46 AM): tooo funniiiiieeeeeee
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:46:51 AM): lol!!!
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:46:53 AM): and then waht?
aznblu3gurl (10:47:06 AM): company C was the last to be interested
aznblu3gurl (10:47:13 AM): therefore company C dropped out
aznblu3gurl (10:47:27 AM): therefore it was company B by default
aznblu3gurl (10:47:48 AM): i personally do not like company B
aznblu3gurl (10:48:01 AM): but that's not the problem
aznblu3gurl (10:48:03 AM): so
aznblu3gurl (10:48:29 AM): company B is like a puppy that follows her everywhere
aznblu3gurl (10:49:08 AM): so company B is always at her place
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:49:15 AM): hahaha
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:49:16 AM): yah?
aznblu3gurl (10:49:18 AM): her roomate cant do hw cuz they are always there
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:49:23 AM): what happened to company A?
aznblu3gurl (10:49:38 AM): the oligapoly forced company A out
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:49:44 AM): ooh okay
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:49:58 AM): soo now what/
aznblu3gurl (10:50:00 AM): company B is very stupid b/c he never knows when to leave
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:50:11 AM): lol
aznblu3gurl (10:50:11 AM): so her roomate is pissed off at both of them
aznblu3gurl (10:50:19 AM): i side with the roomate
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:50:23 AM): aaahh
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:50:30 AM): hahaha
aznblu3gurl (10:50:37 AM): the roomate is excommunicating both of them
aznblu3gurl (10:50:49 AM): den comes third party trying to help
aznblu3gurl (10:50:59 AM): third party becomes excommunicated as well
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:51:03 AM): wait. soo this is happening at ur dorm? ur neighbors?
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:51:07 AM): lol!!
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:51:08 AM): hahahaha
aznblu3gurl (10:51:35 AM): the roomate already gave company B a second chance to be smart
aznblu3gurl (10:51:40 AM): unfortunately he aint that bright
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:51:51 AM): haha
aznblu3gurl (10:52:01 AM): therefore, if she ever sees him in her room, she will call the cops
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:52:13 AM): lol
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:52:20 AM): can i put this on my blogspot?
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:52:21 AM): hahaha
aznblu3gurl (10:52:21 AM): so there's the story
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:52:24 AM): this is TOOOO FUNNIE
aznblu3gurl (10:52:29 AM): if you want
n0rmaLLy Strange (10:52:37 AM): lol. awesome.



i thought it was hilarious.. didn't you?! :D

guys are dumb. period.

Itching for leisure... for time... for:

Blisterin winds of dreary winters
forsake me
Oh i've abandon thee too long...

How chance knew i bee comin' back
to thine purest white,
immaculate simplicity.
my heart wishes to speak
with painting strokes and
withered graphites.

if days may show the mercy
i bestow
perhaps
perhaps
far seas may capture
sight
of land...

perhaps
perhaps
may i caress the intangible
restoring passion once again
again
______________________________________________

life's been tough. been busy. been worse. been better. much to leave with this note:

happy holidays everyone! :)

Non Applicable

i haven't posted in ages. sorry.

i'm:
bitter
content
discontent
angry
frustrated
nostalgic
busy
anxious
bestowing mercy

Family and friends are good to me.. maybe too good to me.

blah.
update maybe later.. over break? maybe... maybe..

In the Midst of Invisible... Spatial Existence

In memory of my beloved
darling
stranger
I loved since my first memory
of hearing about your expected presence...
I love you. I love you.
I love you.
I know not anything about you.
Your ephemeral warmth
you took away
I never experienced.

The slience is...
deafening.
Your
invisible
presence
is blinding.

I miss you tho I can't say I know you.
I will find you.
I love you.
love you.
Will ALWAYS love you.
I will not give up.

I will NOT give YOU up. Ever.

Sixteen, Seventeen years passed
not a day goes by without something that reminds me how much i need you
the dusted dairies doth carries many secrets
i dare not devulge in fear that noone understands

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
wisht it was different
the years of ur absence proves the unknown surreal

perhaps we'd be best friends yet loving quarrel mates
because thats what sisters are
what i can take to mend my heart are the younger ones
tho never a replacement.
i love you all just the same
i miss you
i miss you
i will find you. i will find you.

did you hear me sing to you, dearest Miss Kimberely Chi?
I wish i knew for a fact... I wish i can confirm... but
Happy birthday!
May you rest in the sweetest and purest blossoms of peace... love you always.

i love....a lot of things. but here are jsut a few some things.

**i love my linh! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISSY! --finally outta the teens. oy.. oy oy. :) THANX for makin' my day.. always. So i just came back from Chilles.. however u spell it.. with linh. I had sUCH a great time just chating and all. What can i say. the birthday grl is AWEEEESOME! and i mean FABULOUS. soo hot, so sexy, so intelligent.. soo everything a friend/person can ask for. lol. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! yay roomie!


** For years... my family has supported me in MOst but not everything i do. I love them a lot although times were and are still rough. Now that I'm moving and going off to college, i find so much more meaning in the little things i would dismiss otherwise in the past. and i'm sorry for not seeing and appreciating it more in the past yrs. My uncles and aunts. Mommy and Daddy. Siblings.. yeah, even the older ones. blaahh. haha.

**I'll miss my little sisters the most. O, my darling little monsters. what or where would i be without you two? Answer? DEAD. Yes... that would be correct and totally honest. Emily and Stephanie. I will die for them in a heartbeat---- no. faster than that. without having to think. I live for them. I LOVE YOU, Emi and Steph!! :* kisses all around. :D they rock my socks like no other~! I'll miss the goodnite kisses, the laughs, the silliness, my first temp bookclubs over break, the cookies, the stupid jokes, and crazy cat fights... and of course the quarrels. I'll be back for those. haha. i will. ;)

**so long! uni is here! here! here! :D sO i guess i wont be updating this a whole lot anymore. o well. days will come.. days will go. but i'll be back. like always. ;)


Sweet dreams!!! night night. sleep tight. dotn forget the night light and don't let the bed bugs (& in the words of the dearest Daniel Kasey Estrada~! :)) "PARALYZE!"

toodly doos. :) happy trails!

i can't sleep

DUDE. I'm cold. My head hurts. My stomach is sore. And yet, I'm not tired. Not enough to sleep. I'm wide awake. UGH. Insomnia... why? why why why. blah.


I want to learn french. Yes, i do.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING. EYES WIDE OPEN... 0_0

<>

Another Episode--and more serious stOOf

Goodness sakes... last night I spent 15, if not 20, minutes lying in pain-- So agonizing, so unbearable I almost passed out. I think i did, i'm not sure. The last thing I remember was the blur of red digital numbers flashing 12:43, a loud ring in my ear and blood rushing to my head. Next thing I knew, I awoke again having only been out 2 minutes with the clock reading 12:45.. still in pain. I couldn't move an inch.. couldn't flinch because i would only inflict a sharper pierce to my stomach. Gah. Just when i thought it wasn't going to come back... i've been pain free for two and some months since last and now.. blaaahh and JUST before the start of school. UGH.. well, that... sucks. :P just.. DEAL.

______


Initiative. Responsibility. Honor. vs Silence. Apathy. Decit. Which would you rather be? A recent incident concerning a friend troubles me much for now what defines a friendship is in question. Perhaps I am too harsh. too much of a critic? I know not. But it annoys me, or more so disappoints me to see so many flaws of another that i thought one did not possess. Yes, i understand that flaws are inevitable.. in fact it is a friend's flaws that one learns to accept, love and appreciate that makes a friend that much more adorable, that much more interesting, that much more human worthy to love--however there are categories and separation of acceptable flaws and unacceptable flaws unto which frequency also accounts.
What dissappoints me is not exactly the flaw itself, for humans often slip from time to time, but the redunance of the flaw, which outcome rather inquires one's values and morales.
(to be continued... i feel sick) :[

Something queer just happened...

I was awake at 6 this morning, again... no longer able to sleep. At any rate... after driving my little sisters to school (ages 9 and 13), I came home and while sipping on my ruby red juice went online to check if an earlier course for chem2ah was avaliable

(on the side note: did i tell you how frustrated i was last night because STUPID ppl didn't drop the earlier chem2ah course until AFTER my appointed time to register?? GRRR... so now i have to wait til open hours registration.. which is tomorrow... and hopefully the earlier chem2ah will still be open). Checked my mail... and got off, did chores.. as usual.

Then suddenly, out of the blue... the phone rings. As i hurridly cleansed my soappy hands and dried them on the towel with one more ring til the answering machine picks up... I thought it must be Mar bc supposedly I was going to help her study chem today around noon.

I made my hardy journey meandering around and jumping over my packed boxes, folders, books, papers.. etc ----and with a second left, I juggled the phone in my hands and picked it up just in time.

Unexpectedly, the person on the line turned out to be--instead of Mar-- my principle from high school: Ms. Duncan! :D

How strange?? I thought. Why would she, of all ppl, call me? Was I in trouble? Was she going to revoke my top ten award? Was there trouble from one of my previous instructors??

Or Did she simply called just to say hello? hahaha.. i doubt that very much.

It turns out that a writer from the Sacramento Bee (city newspaper) had asked Ms. Ducan if he can possibly do a story on a recent HS grad that is entering Uni at Davis... and the first person she thought of was me...>>>haha<<<

Ducan wanted to give the writer my contact number but wanted to ask for my permission first--

well... tough luck.

I, of all people, rather not be featured in a public city newspaper that practically everyone in the city reads. >< No, I think not. In this situation where the writer will more than likely ask me about the scholarships/awards I received over the years, family, and friendships--practically a bio of me "in the spotlight" ---ugh.. how... sassy? hahaha.

No. i dont want glory or apraisal nor do i want pity. I hate being attention. Thanx, but maybe in the next lifetime or rather when I REALLY do something great like find a cure for a cancer persay. haha. no thanx.

So i kindly told Ms. Duncan Thanx, but no thank you... and then referred her to my very good buddy Ms. Amanda Cianchetta.

Perhaps she might be interested in being featured in the SacBee. She'd be a great candidate: top ten senior as well, plenty of awards, going to Uni at Davis, community service, etc. You know... someone that fits the typical picture as a star student featured in the Bee that wouldn't mind having her bio in the Bee. She'd be awesome as much as she is in person! :)

_________

There you have it.

I'm ... amused! :D

Schedule Change

So I changed almost my entire schedule for fall quarter:

https://sisweb.ucdavis.edu/owa_service/owa/bwskfshd.P_CrseSchd?start_date_in=10/04/2004

17 units instead of 15:

Honors Chem2a instead of regular (5)
Statistics 13 (4)
Sociology 1 (5)
World Religions (3)

grrrr....

Too funnie.

So I woke up really early this morning after 3 wee hours of sleep... and then

yonseinishida (9:33:10 AM): BLAH...my physics teacher, DR. Smith, posted a comment on the projector saying...PHYSICS IS PHUN!!

GAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! O man, i laughed so hard it made my tummy ache. how..... GROSS! LOL. TOO FUNNIE.

O how i loathe mr.smith from HS... the ap physics teacher who always say, "physics is PHUN!" goodness. how i DON'T miss that class. PheW! :D too funnie. :)

Joy to the...... _____ (no, not world. moment)

I'm moving. I'm finally MOOVING.

Thrice had my plans for moving my boxes to davis been cancelled or delayed--this i will have no more. The date is set. I'm finally moving. Next week. Friday. Thank goodness.

Lately I've been yearning change and also another feeling i did not expect... something that's off the spectrum. Those that i wanted to see before i go,that i haven't seen, i do not anymore. Not that i wont miss them but because i feel as if the globe has fallen off altas' shoulders. Pitted in a downward spiral into nothingness, time is blacken with a tar so thick it has stopped.

I do not want a frozen dessert now--there is no time (take it any which way).

My heart is telling me to hit the dusty road... let frozen particles stir again... the water is set to boil. Development is on the way. Until traces can be assured again, I do not want to look back. Do you understand this strange sense within nonsense?

_________________________

random: corpus callosum. i like that term. the way it rolls off your tongue. dont you? :]

strength

My awakening is no more than a rebirth of an archtypial, hopefully better, form of the old self. I need more. I need to remember what it is like to have the mind, body, and soul be one... i need to remember how to make fleeting emotions stay. I need to remember what the meaning of commitment and honor means. To remember what it takes to suffice.

what I need to remember is the meaning to it all. So help me please.

I'm determined. Please don't let it slip away.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL. THE WILL IS MINE.






I WILL.

I WILL.

I WILL.

THE WILL
IS
...
MINE.




believe in me.

No longer hostage

This morning, the north winds blew in for a timely visit. Something that has been forgotten is awaken again as I woke up to the smelt of green grass and the dawning sky.

It is said that where there is an end, there is a beginning; when something died in me a while past, nothing left was born. For the longest time, the vaccuum of existance haunted my soul while the mere crust of my outter physical being continued to be the only existance known to me. Hollowness is the most suffocating state and I've been that for too long.

Today, I will no longer be held hostage to my own master. I will no longer be a slave... a squandering mind. Today, I am my own pheonix--I can only hope my determination and effort will not go to waste. Thank you, whoever whatever thou may be... thank you for this awakening. :)

random

NO.


whatever it is....



NO.


"98% of the teenage population does or has tried
smoking pot. If you're not one of these people,
copy & paste this into your profile."
sooo...



NO.
______________

The Jung Personality Test.

I'm a INFP http://209.15.29.56/myersbriggs/letters.htm

...What are you?
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Getting boogie with the noogie. No, not nooKie, NOOGIE.

Greetings amor.

Sacramento is strapped to rapid chains of a roller coaster. The Kings are thinking about moving?! And so much is already in motion for change. The city is becoming more city like... there's almost no doubt that Sacramento will soon become a lesser version of New York, New York if this industrial fad keeps up. >< All the more... glOOmier. The only good thing about this is.. well.. nothing. humm.. with the exception of the public transportation (yay). Even still, i think ppl will be too egoistic to trade in their autos and soon.. there'll be too much traffic. Pedestrians, autos and public transportation. >< grrrr.

The Summer Olympics 2004 is here! is here!! Athens, Greece. :) I love the olympics and yet.. i can't believe i missed out on the opening ceremony!! So much excitment... so much.. umm... euphoria. :D I think it's awesome.

I'm having lunch with Mrs. George and Marielle today!! I suspect it to be bitter sweet for both Marielle and I will be leaving on Wednesday. Marielle to college for good and me to Southern California for a week and then when i do come back... I'll be mOOving to Davis. :D did u like how i put the "MOO" in? The college with a dairy farm? LOL. too funnie. At any rate. I'd like to take the time here to say goodbye to everyone that have touched my life in any way shape or form. Thank you for all that u have said, not said, done, not done--good and bad. As always, thank you for being the person you are. I appreciate it. Stranger, foe, friend, acquaintence, passerbyer. :) A new life is ahead of me... and i can't wait. Then again, maybe i can wait. :P

People i need to write, see, call before i move:
-NCSF advisor
-Daniel Kasey Estrada
-Erik Nishida, Seung Pak, the crew
-Mister Trevor Jackson
-Mister Thomas Beghien
-Rachel Agustos! :)
-Jen, Christina Edling, and soo many more.

If i don't call you, call me! ;) on my cell.

Adieu Adieu. A shower of soft kisses delivered e-via you, yes you. YOU O_o

:*


Sealed.

iNcubus is in town today and i cant go. blaaah. maybe next time.. maybe maybe.

---------*SIGH*----------

The shorter post

i know i haven't posting lately... i suppose i loss the energy but more importantly the time.

ucd orientation ended today. i'm glad. it sucked for the most part.

classes registered:
chem2a
statistics13
sociology1
study abroad program info seminar

total of 15 units.

most of the classes were full when i started registering... bllaaaahhhh.

i have nothing more to say.


except that
i'm utterly...




EXHAUSTED. -_-

The little things

Soo... due largely to recent events and media exposure/influence both bad/good.. i've been contemplating a lot about societal visage and image. what works, what doesn't.. so much that i cannot begin to write on the issues that surrounds it.

Some updates:

>>I can't go to the Incubus concert on Aug. 10th. I was soo bummed out.. so sad :(

>>but to make up for that... I'm going on a road trip with my sister and her bf. it'll be interesting because i've never been anywhere further than LA... and i'm going alone, the desolate one of the three..the odd woman out. it's okay. i think i'll enjoy my solitude and my fun :) i can't wait!!

which means..... for those who are leaving soon for Berkeley, AZ and elsewhere: i'd love to meet with you guys one last time before we all disperse to our merry way off to college :P Aug.7-17.. pick a day, time, and place and i'll be there ;) CALL MEEEEEEEE! I MISS YOU ALREADY! :'( (i.e. Nishida! Seung! Shannon! Marielle! everyone everyone everyone.... :P) YOU SUCK... BUT U ROCK MY WORLD ;D )

>>i'll be getting hair cut soon. :P maybe. i dont know. my mom thinks i look horrible. what can i say, I'm LOW maintanence. I hate being sissy/girlie to the point where "omg, i need to get my hair cut today.. or omg, my hair's so dry! or.. OH NO! I HAVE SPLIT ENDS.. it's the end of the worldddddddd or.... I need to go shopping nowwwww... or dude, if you can't wait til i put make up on, then.. forget you!"

HAHAHAHAHA. It always cracks me up. I'm glad i dont wear makeup.. UGH.. do u know what it feels like to have all that stuff practically CAKED onto your face?? UUGH. i'm not a doll thanx. >< And no thanx, i dont need to wear scanky clothes to feel feminine nor do i need all that so i'll have "game" nor do i need to worry about my appearance to the point where i'm obsessed with clothes and such materialistic things. I mean, come on. :P (more on this later.. i have soo much to bash about the hollywood fads and such... i mean, get a grip! deal with who u are. dont' excessively be the typical 'valley grl'.... )

being yourself and comfortable with low maintenance is all you need.. it's all dope. (om goodness.. soo that's the ghetto-est you'll see me get. DOPE! i haven't used that in suchhhh a lonnggg while! :D )

>> I hate it when ppl smoke.. UGGGHHH, get a life. YOU STINK, YOUR TEETH ARE YELLOW AND GUCKY, YOU'RE WASTING BILLIONS OF MONEY, U'RE PRACTICALLY POISONING URSELF AND MARKING DEATH ON UR FOREHEAD... THE SLOW DEATH THANX. blah. ANDDDDD... YOU'RE CREATING SECOND HAND SMOKE TO THOSE AROUND YOU... ANNDDDD IT'S ENVIRONMENTALLY HARMFUL THANX. >< one of my biggest peeves, not to say that if one smokes, then one is a bad person.. but, you could be better!! :P I've successfully convinced 3 IMPORTANT ppl in my life to stop smoking. sooo.. YOU SHOULD TO! for the sake of ur health if not others. Public smoking i think is the thing i'll hate most about college. ugh, just being on the city college campus and having to walk through FUMES of smoke is utterly GROSS. makes me wanna puke... and my stomach ulcer just kills with the smell. >< GROSS. END OF STORY.

>>Donate blood today or sometime in the near future! You'll feel great because your ONE pint of blood (and you have 5-6 pints in you.. plus your body rejuvinates the pint you lose within hours) has the potential to save THREE lives! It's a great way to give back to your community and more importantly saving lives.
---okay, so that's my 2cent pitch about blood donation. there's so much more to it that's GREAT in all aspects... but yeah.. donate blood ;) which reminds me, it's that time again... i'll be donating blood for the... 4/5th time? yesh yesh. maybe this will make up for some of the bad i've done, esp. with the incident at lollicup. argghh... >< i can never redeem myself.

>>the presidential election ... (enough said) >< our future is GRIM

>>OOKAY, Arnold, you're DUMB. Who has the nerve to say.. "just because both the democrats and republics approved 'MY' state budjet... this means California is getting outta this financial crisis hell hole.. OH, btw, this will also mean THOUSANDS OF JOB LOSSES for state workers"~!! ugh, politicians of the present make me sick. who ever voted for these ppl in office as of now (i.e. BUSH! and... ARNOLD! ... andd.....) should be ashamed. >< what is this world of liberty? coming to??? hahahah.. that's a FUNNY WORLD! DONT YOU AGREE? and PROSPERITY? ... what have the U.S. come to? BLAH.


GOOD DAY TO YOU. smile! :) BLAH.

Bystander's Apathy >< !!!!!

A cloud of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and regret suffocates me. For the many days now since the incident, I have had nothing but guilt clogging my psych... and until today, the aftermath of my nightmare where I abruptly woke with sharp pains in my stomach from stressing my ulcers, I find that my repressions of my doings finally caught up with the stanzas of poetic rinds that I’ve encased myself in to avoid extreme disappointment.

It was... Wednesday July 28th, the afternoon before our final exam in Psychology300. Phil, Seung, and I decided to study at Lollicup once again on Franklin Blvd where we sat at our usual table near the glass panes of entrance door/wall.

While intently and diligently attempting to master the bulleted topics on the Psych study guide, my eyes (as if tracing invisible wisps of thoughts in hope encountering visual cues that may help me remember) fleeted a glance outside the windowpanes. A mad rush of shock and horror stunned my entire body; eyes no longer fleeting are now starring widely at what I think is an accusation of battery and assault! Parked with its tinted back-window facing me, I see the silhouettes of a man furiously beating at whatever was in the back seat of the Lexus… another person perhaps. Other than an escape of an uttered gasp, I froze with horror painted on my visage; Seung, who’d heard me gasp kindly asked what was wrong.. and hesitantly recovering from my freeze response said… “I think someone’s getting beat up…”

A chill of tingling sensation ran down my spine. Not sure what to do, I jumped up out of my seat and started pacing to the door and abruptly paced back to my seat to rethink my next move. My superego shouted for my attention to run out there as quick as I can to see more clearly what was happening, which if it was in fact a crime would be stopped. Contrastingly, my id deafened the understatement of the degree of harm I can do to myself and the risks involved, not to mention the fact that I had not seen anything but a silhouette of one man engaging in delivering pugnacious fist punches to whatever he kept going at in the back seat.

My indecision led to the pronto actualization of my ego: under the mindset of morals and values, I cannot bear to see someone hurt and not do anything about it so I half-convinced myself to walk out there to see what was going on…

As I neared the Lexus, I see a man in his early/mid twenties sitting the passenger seat of the Lexus who saw me coming. The man, another male in his early/mid twenties with a Cubs baseball cap, who threw those aggressive punches now receded out of the back seat of the car, closed the side door, leaned into the open back window of the side door, and spoke to whatever, whoever was in the backseat—the object of his expressed anger—this I can clearly tell and this I know is true for he was not looking at the man in the passenger seat. Both the passenger and the aggressor had their heads and attention turned to the backseat. With the music inside the car at almost full blast, I couldn’t hear what the aggressor was saying but his facial expression made me think twice about walking closer to the Lexus. For a moment, he smurked and sneered and another he let out a half-hearted laugh.

I didn’t know what to think! Perhaps he was horse fighting with a friend in the backseat? Still, I did not see what or who was in the back seat… But if it was a friend who he play-fought with, why were the throws so vehement that the whole Lexus rocked with the motion of his fists???? But if it was truly an aggressive fight with intentional harm, why would the passenger sit so calmly to watch in apathy???

Ugh, I don’t know WHY but I stopped dead in my tracks, paced three steps back where I find Seung walking toward me. I spun around in time to see the aggressor walk to his car, which was facing me (a car that I did not see before because it was parked behind a line of cars perpendicular to myself and it). Since the fists stopped and the aggressor turning on his ignition to get outta there… I thought, “well maybe they were just playing and horsing,” and regretfully walked back into lollicup. Before I sat down, I saw another man, in his mid/early twenties climb into the drivers seat who came from whatever stores where lined on this strip mall ahead of Lollicup who drove away also. Seung and Phil later informed me that before the aggressor left, he did flick off whoever was in the Lexus—this I did not see… and this worried me even more.. then again, maybe it was another playful joke.

BLLAAAHHH. I hate this. I mean, what if someone was hurt? Before they left, Phil and Seung jotted down their license plate numbers…. So we contemplated whether we should call the police to inform them of this incident … another hesitation. But because there were doubts and inconclusive evidence since no one saw if anyone was truly in the back seat, we did not call. ><

I felt so incredibly bad and frustrated!!! I was so concerned and yet I did nothing. Ugh, that ruined my day.. my whole week. Having the randomness of mind, I thought of all the things that could have happened … all the possible scenarios of what really did happen or what can happen… and yet, the cons outweighed the pros. At that point, there was no forgiving in my part.

What if someone got injured? I mean, it isn’t the best part of town… what if this what if that.. what if I had the potential to save someone from harm and missed the chance… I mean, all I had to do was actually WALK UP TO THE CAR and asked if everything was alright, correct? All I had to do was walk… and ask as a friendly bystander. UGGHHH.. I HATE MYSELF. >< I hate myself for being apathetic at that moment in time… completely apathetic? No. but I was apathetic enough to NOT WALK UP TO THE CAR!! That was ALL I HAD TO DO.. and yet I let my devious ID and STUPID IRRATIONALE convince me that it PROBABLY was just another play-fight between ppl who knew each other in which case I had no business with.. UGGGH.. I HATE THIS. I HATE MYSELF.. WHYYYYYY…..

FRUSTRATED. ANGRY. SO INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



**So this is the result of my doings… a nightmare… that I woke from… about the incident. Forgiveness is not given. From who will I have forgiveness from? Ugh… I disgust myself. ><