I'm quite the busy bee these days.

so much has happened i dont even know where to begin. maybe i'll rant about it in a later post.

notes to remind myself:
west coast tourney
midterms and solid studying
things that happened in between
family
self reliance
trust
honesty
risks
see nov. 7th post: http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2006/11/emo-hah-not-nearly-so-p.html

anyhoo, this coming month is going to BUSY! all my weekends til the end of feb are already packed. there's studying and the officer's dinner party this weekend. linkmyer the next. the formal and chinese new years the next next and lastly, paper and studying that final weekend of feb. and march'll be just around the corner.


thus, i'm committing myself to academic arrest for the next two weeks so i can go to the Linkmyer Invitation at USC in Los Angeles to fence my first USFA tourney on Feb. 10th! That's the weekend before the hectic scheduling of my midterms: three, back to back to back on W, Th, F, some quizzes, and reports along with that. the deadline for the minor app is that week too! aaahhh..BUT! it'll be worth it. i'm excited, esp. because after my last midterm, i get to purk up for the fencing formal on friday the 16th :) and then! i'll be home for chinese new years on saturday and sunday... AND! THERE'LL BE NO SCHOOL THAT FOLLOWING MONDAY! WHOOOT. i can't wait. busy buys busy until then and after.


catch you all later

the monster within

Many years have past since the debut of my apathy toward life. Extentialist, i am but a dweller in the flesh. Adverse in my own battling characters, i often wonder, should i ever have multipersonalities to a point where one can enlist me in a mental assylum, what personas I would have and how I would handle such. I am a walking contradiction of sorts. Because of my nature and thirst for change-- constant change-- i never aspire to settle. Because i cannot settle, i cannot establish. because i cannot establish, i cannot sustain a likeable relationship with another human being. how can i if i cannot commit to side with my internal battle of behaviors?

rambles shambles. i'm a wreck. noone knows it and noone frankly cares except me.

I tend to set myself up to burn bridges. I dont think i do this intentionally, but i often distant myself from society in fear that i will dissappoint and/or displease others. i dont know who i am or what i am set out to be. i cannot be content with myself, thusly i fear to entertain the responsibility to sustain a mutal relationship in respect, honor, gratitude, and dignity between friends and lovers. what i do have is trust and ever so ironically, i found trust in the few but record friendships i somehow manage to keep in the past years and coming.
These friendships worked out because I know that however i may change, our friendship will not. this is what i look for in a friendship. consistency. i crave it. i am forever in the debt of my true and closest of friends who have taught me to love, grow, and learn. I love thee, and i hope you know who you are.

forgive me. i am a horrible daughter. sister. friend. lover. person.

Hooked. Simply HOOKED.

I thought it was bad enough on regular school days, but I underestimated its effect on me. I have FINALS-- finals that I must do extremely well on to make up for the debts I have acquired in my classes. Two down, one to go. Nonetheless, I should be studying like tomorrow is today. I acquiesce. I am HOOKED. All I can think about is how i want to kick some ass in fencing. hahaha.

Anyway... there is a non-league event:
COLD STEEL Tourney at the Santa Rosa Junior College- Haehl Pavilion: Santa Rosa, CA. January 6, 2007. Be there or be square! :) :) Should be fun. whoooT~~


:) fencing fencing fencing fencing :)

:( finals finals finals finals :(

la la la. i'm bored and studying for finals

in the mood for Santana

Song: Why Don't You And I


Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin' like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world, be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break ?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
Get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
But about the same time you walk by
And I say oh here we go again, oh

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I'll say why don't you and I get together take and on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I`ll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again

frustration?

so i've figured it out.

i'm the type that schedules her own breakdown.

tis why i didn't want to go home for thanxgiving until thanxgiving day... so i'll be all cheery and happy when i'm around family. i needed today to be away. alone. and i've had enough already.

on another note:

Some people just dont get me. i dont need to hear crap about how you're better than me or how you're better than anyone else or that you've seen/experienced more things in life. i get it. i really do. it's really great for you. i'd be glad to hear it if you're sharing for the sake of sharing, but please do not share to impress. you have nothing to prove to me. please stop trying to top everything. you're not the shit. i dont need you to be the shit. i just need you to be a friend. and a friend you fail to be. thank you, however. i thought you were growing on me but you proved me wrong. you're just as bad as when you started. thank you. thank you for whatever friendship you think we have between us. seriously? you dont know how to listen and sometimes (or should i say in most incidences) all you need to do is listen. when i need advice, i'll ask for it. and i know true friends will tell me straight if chance be that I am astray. but honestly? i am not astray. so dont try to be a hero. try to be a friend. a lending ear or a lending shoulder. seriously.

_________________________

errrmmmm.... sorry, that was written in fury and frustration. unedited. raw. fleshy. ugh. disgusting. sorry. sorry. are you confused yet? I certainly am.

why do i feel so bleeeehhh?

sigh.


shake it off, amy. shake it off.

it's thanxgiving. you love this holiday.



bleeehhh. i can't wait to go home.

or maybe i can.

:-\

Cal Poly Turkey Tourney

back from the cal poly turkey tourney...
did well in pools
sucked in DEs
won a metal i didn't deserve
got jipped of a metal that i possibly could have earned
got slightly carried away with refreshments
met a few rad new fencers..
caught up with a few old fencers
and yeah.

details maybe later.

highlight of tournament? definitely fencing pools in sabre... and esp. when i beat bessel because it was my first win in sabre... and because.. well, it is bessel. hah. hahahahaha. :P

i have seven bruises on my right arm.. oh how i love sabre.

highlight of the overall trip? irish car bombs. o yeah. thanx, ande!! you're the best! :)








_________________________
on another note...

jPNhAvOK (9:53:07 PM): wait....you were drinking....AND you kill people with SWORDS
n0rmally strange (9:53:10 PM): LOL
jPNhAvOK (9:53:11 PM): who are you amy chi


happy birthday, brian martin! :) love you!

awee... my fencing family :) :)

a quick but...

BIG THANK YOU to my AWESOME teammates and coach for getting me a brand new french foil(!?!?!!!) as a celebration for the UCSC tourney.

love, love, love, love, love! :)

you guys are the best! couldn't have done it without all your support! :)








and off i go study...


cal poly turkey tourney this weekend! ADVANCEDD FOIL AND SABRE.... o jolly, i can hardly think! eeeeeeeeeks! ^_^

oh the AMUSEMENT i get from Black Cards...

So... remember how i said i tied for third in Novice Foil at the UCSC Fencing Tourney??

Long story short:

First Place guy who eliminated me got black carded (disqualified) a few days after the tourney because he is not a novice.

Okay. Everyone moves up one... i'm ideally tied for second place now.

And here's the real cracker:

Second Place guy who got moved up to first... well, he got black carded too... just now, as in three weeks after the tourney, as in been fencing more than 2.5 yrs, meaning he is definitely not a novice. HAH.

So.. ideally.. i am tied for first. and as TC, my coach and as the President of NORTHERN CALIFORNIA INTERCOLLEGIATE FENCING LEAGUE puts it:

n0rmally strange (4:47:16 PM): well, first, second, or third... i'm just glad i fenced.
fencer1964 (4:50:27 PM): ANd you so kicked ass.
fencer1964 (4:50:33 PM): But you should have gotten first place.
fencer1964 (4:50:45 PM): And been the first woman fencer to do so in the NCIFL.
n0rmally strange (4:51:16 PM): really...
n0rmally strange (4:51:38 PM): good to know... three weeks later.


SERIOUSLY?!?! okay.. i didn't get all that excited, annoyed, or pissed until he tacked on the first woman fencer part. hah.

I'm amused. And all I received from the tourney was a flimsy white ribbon that says "Third Place." (traditionally at tourneys, every winner in every event, which includes novice foil, receieves medals) hahahaha... i am sooooo.... TERRIBLY. amused.

:-P Sigh. No more winning tourneys for me from here on out. No more novice events. I'm in advance now, and I'm swimming with piranas. :)

Seriously? Seriously.

Good to know. >.<

emo? hah. not nearly so. :P

be my succor tonight, my love, and i will love you forever more. dance with me. laugh with me. lend me your shoulder. hold me tender if chance you find me lacerated. sing me a lullaby as i pine and be patient with me. but whatever you do, please do not say you love me, do not chase me until you are ready to catch me.

UMMM...

had a dream.
kasey and friends.
bad teenagers.
remote alley.
vampires.
fencing.. but really just.. tearing into flesh.
frankinstein??
devil children.
and i killed them.
all.
with my foil and sabre. HAHA.

UCSC Fencing Tourney. My last novice event.. ahhhh

apparently, i'm the only one who is stoked about winning 2nd place in novice foil and first in women's novice foil at the santa cruz fencing tournament this past weekend. more later (okay, maybe not. you'll just have to ask me in person)... OOH THE ADRENLINE! god it felt good.


for an overture of what happened at the tourney... here's an account written by no other than Mister James Keith:

http://foolishtouchstone.blogspot.com/2006/10/santa-cruz-06-booze-broads-and.html

:)

Bellissimo!

Fall 2006 has finally begun! hurray!

I am...
excited
ambitious
finding it easier to smile
focused
not dwelling!
more detached rather than attached... which is a good thing

and lastly, I am okay. :)

Feels good to be back.... back to the old but also in with the new.

a monsoon of acid rain

i don't know what's wrong with me. i just don't.

i'm not all bubbles and clouds.
i'm acid.
i'm rain.
i'm a monsoon that is raining acid.

things bother me. why do i let it bother me? because it's my mother. my mother who i have learned to dislike in many ways because i'm a grown person. i'm an individual with my own mind and i'm not afraid to voice my perspectives. and when i do.. i get shot down.. branded the "disobeident and disrespectful child"... worthless... a snide monstrosity lurking the corridors of her heavenly house... releasing a biowarfare upon the very air she breathes... charged with treason.

a treacherous, vile, ill-breaded daughter.

but who of all her children speak the truth of their actions, their location, their doings? I DO. What do i get in return?

HER DISTRUST. HER INABILITY TO LET ME LIVE. THRIVE. AS A PERSON. AS AN ADULT. I...gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! dont get me wrong. i love her. i respect her; but i find it very hard to convince myself that our relationship is dandy if and only if i subject to her oppression. of her rules. of my silence.


there's a fine line between being overly-protective and being possessive.

i try. and try. and try. BUT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING. I AM. there's a big cultural and generation gap between us i've been trying to close for years and counting. but the more i try.. the wider it gets. and do you know what it feels like to be stretched so intensely to the point where you feel torn, brittle... wondering to yourself is it worth splitting your head over to hold the ends of the gap together? do you know what is beneath the gap i stretch myself to close? it feels like a vacuum. a vacuum of inexistance... it's dark. murky. a black hole waiting to suck the very life out of me. but i endure it. i dont want to live a life of lies.

I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE BUILT UPON LIES. apparently she does.


*sigh*

OMG

douse the fervor of annoyance
breathe and let live tolerance.


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............


i feel like venting but i rather spare you with my dispairities.

blog-able things: a note to thy self for summer days to come:

my mother
over protective or possessive
kids who wont shut up
OMG.. OMG.. I THINK IMMA GO CRAZY...

Summer update

So I know I haven't been writing like I said I would during summer. I'm sorry. Writer's block. There are things I need to figure out about my life before I even attempt to write because anything I write before that will pretty much be incoherent.

See archives June 2004 through December 2004 for more thoughtful entries. HAH.

But I'll write this as an update:

I HAD THE MOST AWESOMENESS 4 days/3 nights WEEKEND AT SLO with Nishida and Shahram!
Erik and I took a road trip down south to visit Shahram at Cal Poly where we met a few of Shahram's friends including: mister fly guy Brian Nelson, the sweet and charming Kate Crosswhite, cool chick Taryn, and a pretty rad fellow fencer dood Collin.

Anyway we walked the Farmer's Market at downtown SLO during the first night, was introduced to the largest Champion Sports Shop ever, saw a man eat a balloon, and made our mark on the walls of Bubblegum Alley. Then Shahram took us line dancing at the grad, which was quite an experience! hahaha. i've never lined danced before, but i did learn quickly... i was instantaneously enlighted to the fact that I am the most hideous line-dancer on the planet! lol. my coordination is horrendous (or should i say nonexistant). as can be imagined, i got my toes stepped on quite a few times and sure enough by the end of the night, my right foot was inflammed. haha. it was great though. I'll be sure to take up some lessons before i visit again next time to show them up. :D

The next morning, Shahram, Erik and I went hiking up Bishop's Peak. It took us about an hour up and about 45 minutes down. It was quite a challenge going uphill considering the steepness at some parts of the trail and the climbing of several boulders. Pictures of the hike can be found on FACEBOOK. Later that evening, Brian joined us at Pismo Beach. Brian introduced boogey boarding to us.. which was sooooooooo much FUN! He was kind enough to invite us to his spiffy condo in Pismo and lent us his wetsuits. Neither Shahram nor I have ever put on a wetsuit before so it was hilarious when Shahram tangled himself in one! It was so funny when nishida had to hold Shahram's arms while Brian and I tried to pull the wetsuit off of shahram's legs in the opposite direction. lol. You HAD to be there. Anyway... after a whole afternoon of boogey boarding, we dined and walked on the pier of Pismo where we were lucky enough to catch the glimpse of several shooting stars of the Perseids meteor shower (we = excluding Shahram because he NEVER looks up :P ). Beautiful way to end a night, no? :) OH! and I had my first REAL CARMEL APPLE!! yummmmmmmmm. haha.. that was definitely the most spectacular day/night of the trip!

We planned for a bon fire to take place the next night so we can watch the peak of the meteor shower, but that never happened. Neither did kayaking at Morro Bay in the morning because of fog. :( booo... but we did spontaneously packed our belongings for another road trip further south to MALIBU to visit good ol' PAUL HIGNIGHT at Pepperdine U!! :) i havent' seen him ages so it was pretty sweet... AND we got to meet his lovely and adorable girlfriend Courtney who let me stay the night at her apartment. We walked the Santa Monica Promenade and ate at a sports bar/restaurant called Yankee Doodles (great food) and then watched Talladega and played battle of the sexes haha. Yep. Erik and I soo wanted a bon fire and tried to convince Shahram to drive back to Poly at 1 in the morning from Malibu.. lol that was pretty hilarious because paul even gave him a hard time. But we ended up staying the night in Malibu anyway, which was cool beans :) Anyway.. the rest is pretty much driving back to Poly the next morning, brunching, then erik and my drive back to sac.

good times. i almost didn't want to leave! we did so much and met so many new and interesting people who I wish I could have known better!! when i got back to sacramento, it felt as if i was gone for a month! *sigh* good times. :) hope i'll be able to do something like that again in the future.

masquerade

end the masquerade
and i'll melt with you... away
harvest me through
sing me truth
and i'll never forget the day

some things

there are some things in my life that i thought changed but apparently have not. there are some things in my life i will never have answers to. there are some things in my life i have recently found out about. these 'some things' agitate me. i think it's time to cultivate my reactions and emotions to these 'some things' and detach myself.

when does a man admit he is wrong when ignorance allows him not. perfectly innocuous remarks taken injustedly, amended by sincere apologizes however unsuccessfully.

one word

if there is one word i can use to describe what i am feeling as of late... it is, with the lack of substance, confused.

good day to you.

Hope

I don't know what faith I have, but I am desperate.

I can't believe I am doing this but I will take my chances:
I know this is awkard to ask of anyone who is religious in anyway and I know I may be selfish to ask, but please pray for my younger sister's well-being. She's ill and I don't even know where to turn anymore. It really means a lot to me and my family. Thank you.

Love.

Final Countdown

LAST DAY OF FINALS! Physics in FIVE HOURS! the countdown begins. yes i should be studying but my mentality = "eh, i'll just wing it." *shurgs*

:) "Studying" with Amanda Cianchetta yesterday was interesting to say the least. I can't wait til next quarter. We're having a pact and we're keeping it. :D New goals and perspectives on life and future... i suppose that is what one truly amazing person can do to you without having to say or do much. Thanx Cianchetta.. you're inspirational!

la la la la la.

i miss my little monsters.

i can't wait until the clock strikes 12:30PM

:) I LOVE YOU!

venting

1. finals didn't go so smoothly = disappointment and regrets but i can't blame anyone but myself

2. ppl need to stop snooping around my shit, esp. if it's personal shit. take the goddamn hands and nose and aura out of my fucking room.

3. sorry for swearing.

4. i miss my family. esp. my little monsters.

5. i miss my friends. social life = dull as of late. which is alright. i dont mind it but i miss it.

6. need to write letters to ppl

7. need to study for physics final

that's all for now.
8. ppl need to stay outta my shit.

Bad Day

I love this song and I love the music video.

'Bad Day' - Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Level

gah. breathe, amy. breathe. tell yourself to dismiss little men--i will not be submissive to your ignorance and your pitiful arrogance.
______________________

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man(Woman), my son (daughter).

bittersweet

im letting go. i think... finally. letting go...

sighhh


anyway--good korean song:

Byul - "I think I" (Full House OST)

I believed that it couldn't be, that it wasn't
There is simply no way that I could be in love with you
It is just petty jealousy,
I am just feeling lonely
I tried to deceive myself
But now I can't hide from it any longer

CHORUS
I Think I love You that's how it seems
Cause I Miss You when you're not around
I can't do anything
I keep thinking about you
If I look at how things are I know
I'm Falling For You I didn't realize it
Now I Need You all the time
Located so deep in my heart
Now I see it is you

Maybe we are not suited to each other
It would be good if we are just friends
From one to ten, we never agree on anything
How can we have a relationship?
People say we won't be able to do it
I keep saying it
But now I hate to do it any longer

I didn't realize how I felt about you,
Why couldn't I see?
It was right in front of me
That whole time you were right next to me
Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?
Translation by : Goro-chan, Warghal

everyone is quick to joke and judge about my character today. in physics DL, we gave each other nicknames. and i? PLAYAH Chi. hahahahahaha.. how and why the name? i wouldn't be able to tell you. they say if i was a druggie... i'd be a cocaine addict. hah!

dubbed as one who carries many alluring facial expressions of unknown intent, i am typed a mystery of character by sir eric lee and madame cianchetta.

i might as well put it in practice...
_____________________


"When one is young one should begin to philosophize, and when one is old one should not be tired of philosophizing. For it is never too early or too late to work at the health of the soul." -Epicurus

being pensive and attempting to race along with the mind. literally. :P