All 4 Wisdom Teeth Taken Out

after oral surgery


peekaboo


ouch.. they cut my lip


a well of blood


o wait.. i'm throwing it up too


and yeah


more blood!

Maturity in Suspension

yesterday, i found out that i can no longer resort to sitting under my desk to cry my eyes out because i am too tall. it made me cry harder. but i eventually passed out on the floor so all was well.

Love?

i told myself i wouldn;t write... but by chance...
what does it mean to love? does that include listening to? what is life without a cordial family but with one that doesn't communicate at all? what is there then to do? what happens to a person who tries so hard to change his/her family for the better but ends up changing nothing? what happens to crestfallen souls whose love ones think nothing of them? what is there to matter and to care about when everyone you love doesn't care about your feelings? so tell me and tell me true. what am i to you?


i told myself not to be silly... but I made a fool of myself again.

night out with the boys

Tonight was great. I got to hang out with the guys again: Erik, Shahram and Seung like good old times. Erik, Seung and I got our first taste of Persian culture at Famous Kabobs thanx to our fabulous cultural guide, Shahram. it was an interesting experience--fresh, new, hip, and cool. Laughter filled the air as we sat chatting away about what's new, what's old, what's school like and such.

Im so glad Erik and Shahram enjoys embry-riddle and cal poly, respectively, as much as they do. As for Seung and I, well... we're gonna work on it in berk and davis. lol. *Sigh*

then we spent the rest of our evening.. and early wee hours of the day walking the streets of Shahram's neighborhood...we had a kick ass time on the swings at a near by park where i almost kicked shahram in the face and had both he and seung run through oppositely swung swings conducted by captain chi and nishida. :D

It's been a while since i felt so comfortable and it's been a while since i enjoyed myself with a night full of pure joy and fun. i adored every ounce and every fecosecond of it. When my dad called at 12 to tell me to go home and after i assured him i would in a few minutes, we ended up chatting it up and laughing it up for an hour more! *sigh* how i didn't want to leave. it felt great. i miss them. good times. thanx guys. u guys are awesomeness.

:)

while lying on my bed with headphones emitting music to drown me... hopefully to sleep, my whole life flashed before my eyes... before i knew it, i was imagining how my future would be like.


funny to say because i havne't been able to envision a future for myself until last night. but still, the future i envisioned was so surreal. i imagined how elated i'd feel if graduated.. had a job.. moved out.. somewhere... i was content.. but the whole seen changed as i tried for medical school. then reality hit. what am i doing now to help me get there? nothhing. absolutely nothing.

what if i died before i was able to graduate? say... i developed malignant melanoma... say... i was intensively iron deficiently anemic... or my ulcers finally bleed out my heart. what then? my spirit dies... my body dies... and i will return to this lofty earth... belonging once again as a child of the world.. of earth. every element returned to its natural state. somehow this gives me comfort.


fear. what is it? fear of death.. no. fear of the living? perhaps.. im tired. let me rest my eyes... perhaps they'll never open again? -_-

The Lodge of Hopeful Vissicitudes

last night, i had the urge to write to unclog my mind so i took a pen and a nakpin and started to freewrite... unedited:

my metamophosis

The Amy ten years ago has died. Although we are essentially the same person of the same skin and mind, our perception and ideals, goals, and values are building an edifice of continuous change. With every step and every adobe stone cemented, every pipe and wire connected, the image of the edifice changes. The motivation, inspiration and determination which I had so many years ago have disappeared. No longer do I have these three things defined that are necessary for my survival and success; their mutated selves have not fully formed fruit yet. I feel lost. I need to find me again in these three terms; perhaps when I find what can motivate me now, inspires me now… I can find the determination and my will to follow through my goals and aspirations. Virtuous of words and honor… I will try my best to seek what earths me in the present day and take voyage to my future and homage to what I was years ago. Thank goodness I am still who I am but of one who has morphed.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Starring into the eyes of a stranger, I think, who is she? Perplexed, the only thing i can do is surmise about the quick tempered, cynical, and naive flesh of glass she is. Animosity impregnates the air of the room; suffocation lacks only an ounce more before damage is done. She's deceiving... too disgusting to taste... toxic to everything around her. I ask, "who are you?" She responds with a hissing mock of my words, spitting venom while she does so, "who are you?"

The Search

n0rmally strange (1:52:35 AM): hey
kaY8686 (1:52:43 AM): wth
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): uhhhmmm okay
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): nvm
n0rmally strange (1:52:53 AM): goodntie
kaY8686 (1:52:54 AM): go to bed!
kaY8686 (1:52:56 AM): wait!
kaY8686 (1:52:57 AM): come back
n0rmally strange (1:52:59 AM): ...
kaY8686 (1:53:01 AM): hey!
kaY8686 (1:53:03 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:53:04 AM): ...
n0rmally strange (1:53:07 AM): lets not
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): =(
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): o
kaY8686 (1:53:11 AM): k
kaY8686 (1:53:12 AM): gnite
n0rmally strange (1:53:15 AM): ur weird
n0rmally strange (1:53:26 AM): and ur probably playing games rite now
kaY8686 (1:53:34 AM): why'd you say nvm?
n0rmally strange (1:53:37 AM): i dont wanna divert ur attention.
kaY8686 (1:53:41 AM): ..
kaY8686 (1:53:42 AM): umm
n0rmally strange (1:53:48 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:53:49 AM): are you ok?
n0rmally strange (1:53:52 AM): yes
kaY8686 (1:53:56 AM): are you mad/
n0rmally strange (1:54:14 AM): i sound like a mother telling a kid to go frolic in the land of digital fantasy
n0rmally strange (1:54:27 AM): no. im not mad but i've thought things thru lately
n0rmally strange (1:54:38 AM): but nonetheless
kaY8686 (1:54:41 AM): what things?
n0rmally strange (1:54:44 AM): everything
n0rmally strange (1:54:58 AM): ive come to a conclusion about my future
n0rmally strange (1:55:06 AM): at least... part of it
n0rmally strange (1:55:15 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:55:21 AM): are you making some kind of huge life changing discision?
kaY8686 (1:55:24 AM): i wanna know now
n0rmally strange (1:55:27 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:55:28 AM): uhhh
kaY8686 (1:55:29 AM): you can't just say that, and not talk abou tit
n0rmally strange (1:55:38 AM): well.. its not HUGE
n0rmally strange (1:55:41 AM): at least
n0rmally strange (1:55:42 AM): not yet
n0rmally strange (1:55:55 AM): i hope it comes true tho
n0rmally strange (1:56:01 AM): of course it'll take yrs
n0rmally strange (1:56:05 AM): before i get there
kaY8686 (1:56:13 AM): umm
kaY8686 (1:56:31 AM): is there a reason why you can't say what it is?
n0rmally strange (1:56:32 AM): but i plan to do what imdoing now
n0rmally strange (1:56:39 AM): no
n0rmally strange (1:56:45 AM): its nothing big
n0rmally strange (1:56:47 AM): or different
n0rmally strange (1:56:55 AM): i've said it before
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): stop calling it, "it"
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): what is "it"?
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): hope what comes true?!
n0rmally strange (1:56:59 AM): that i wanna travel
kaY8686 (1:57:03 AM): o
n0rmally strange (1:57:11 AM): but.. as soon as i finish up school
n0rmally strange (1:57:15 AM): im going to leave
n0rmally strange (1:57:18 AM): no one can stop me
n0rmally strange (1:57:23 AM): at least, i hope not
n0rmally strange (1:57:33 AM): i dont belong
n0rmally strange (1:57:36 AM): here at least
n0rmally strange (1:57:45 AM): or maybe i dont belong anywhere
n0rmally strange (1:57:54 AM): maybe thats why i need to go
n0rmally strange (1:57:56 AM): places
n0rmally strange (1:58:00 AM): and find things out for myself.
n0rmally strange (1:58:05 AM): maybe i'll never settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:11 AM): i can't settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:22 AM): it was never possible for me
n0rmally strange (1:58:25 AM): and never will be
n0rmally strange (1:58:40 AM): im forever changing... and i dont see myself anywhere
kaY8686 (1:58:42 AM): did you just come to this discision?
n0rmally strange (1:58:51 AM): no. i've thought bout it for a long time now
n0rmally strange (1:59:17 AM): but now im hoping it'll come true
n0rmally strange (1:59:22 AM): that i'll be able to make it all happen
kaY8686 (1:59:26 AM): so, wheres the first place you plan on going to?
n0rmally strange (1:59:32 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (1:59:43 AM): it'll be a few yrs
n0rmally strange (1:59:47 AM): a few yrs to decide
kaY8686 (1:59:47 AM): and why can't you do it now?
n0rmally strange (1:59:53 AM): haha.. money
n0rmally strange (1:59:57 AM): i need to earn it first
n0rmally strange (2:00:06 AM): so imma find a job
n0rmally strange (2:00:12 AM): do well in school (i hope)
n0rmally strange (2:00:16 AM): just gotta focus
kaY8686 (2:00:17 AM): so, after school you're going to make money and save up and go traveling around the world like a nomad?
n0rmally strange (2:00:25 AM): lol.
n0rmally strange (2:00:28 AM): uhhh
n0rmally strange (2:00:39 AM): sure if you wanna put it that way
n0rmally strange (2:00:53 AM): but i was planning on making and saving up some now
kaY8686 (2:01:01 AM): but won't you be temporarily settling in each new location to make money
kaY8686 (2:01:04 AM): before you can move on again?
n0rmally strange (2:01:10 AM): yeah
kaY8686 (2:01:32 AM): so... the point of a degree would be?
n0rmally strange (2:01:41 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): as long as it take
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): s
n0rmally strange (2:02:04 AM): and maybe somehow i'll be able to find a place
n0rmally strange (2:02:11 AM): that i can settle down and be content with
n0rmally strange (2:02:26 AM): a reason somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:02:37 AM): someone.. something.. some place... some idea
n0rmally strange (2:02:39 AM): ionno
n0rmally strange (2:02:40 AM): something
n0rmally strange (2:02:52 AM): its out there
n0rmally strange (2:02:55 AM): somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:03:06 AM): and imma find it. at least i'll die trying.
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): you make it sound as if you'll be searching for your reason for life
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): but at the same time
kaY8686 (2:03:30 AM): you make it sound like the search is the reason
kaY8686 (2:03:41 AM): are you leaving to find your life's purpose?
kaY8686 (2:04:31 AM): or is the process of leaving the purpose?
n0rmally strange (2:05:40 AM): both i guess
n0rmally strange (2:05:42 AM): i dotn reallie know
n0rmally strange (2:05:52 AM): i dont think that there's much purpose to life
n0rmally strange (2:06:04 AM): i wanna find something that's worth staying for
n0rmally strange (2:06:34 AM): does that make sense?
kaY8686 (2:06:37 AM): yes