Crossroads

The unexpected meets expectations at the crossroads of disappointment.

What does that mean?

I have no more energy to pour my heart and soul in nurturing a friendship gone stale.
___________________________________

It really hurts to receive nonchalance from those I love most, especially when all i get from countless efforts to talk and be involved in their lives are always one word or sardonic answers.
Is it because I set my expectations too high?
Is it even my prerogative to have expectations…unintentional expectations at that?
Or is it even a matter of having or not having expectations?

It takes two to make any relationship work

and

I'm really.... REALLY tired of trying.

Perhaps I started trying too late? Suppose I am simply too sensitive to the situation?

*sigh*

Time is running out fast. I don't know if I want to try anymore, but I wish the best for all to come for both of us.. wherever life may lead us.

Goodnight.

Interesting site

So here's a link I jacked from Paradise:

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

It's a fun site that sloganizes whatever you put in the box. Here's what I got on my first tries:

Break Me Off a Piece Of That Amy Chi.
The Chi Effect.
I am Stuck on Amy, 'Cause Amy's Stuck on Me.

On another random thought, my car gave me a shock today on my arm and gave me a BRUISE! crazy isn't it? :P

i ache. goodnight.

Rough Horseplay

Soo... i'm feeling a little whoozy because:

1. i'm sick as hell
2. my youngest sister just kicked me in the face while we were horseplaying

here's the aftermath. enjoy:


this is what happens when i horseplay with my youngest sister.. who's TEN...


yea, i was mad


asshole...


after the clean up


oww... it still hurts :( boooooo

All 4 Wisdom Teeth Taken Out

after oral surgery


peekaboo


ouch.. they cut my lip


a well of blood


o wait.. i'm throwing it up too


and yeah


more blood!

Maturity in Suspension

yesterday, i found out that i can no longer resort to sitting under my desk to cry my eyes out because i am too tall. it made me cry harder. but i eventually passed out on the floor so all was well.

Love?

i told myself i wouldn;t write... but by chance...
what does it mean to love? does that include listening to? what is life without a cordial family but with one that doesn't communicate at all? what is there then to do? what happens to a person who tries so hard to change his/her family for the better but ends up changing nothing? what happens to crestfallen souls whose love ones think nothing of them? what is there to matter and to care about when everyone you love doesn't care about your feelings? so tell me and tell me true. what am i to you?


i told myself not to be silly... but I made a fool of myself again.

night out with the boys

Tonight was great. I got to hang out with the guys again: Erik, Shahram and Seung like good old times. Erik, Seung and I got our first taste of Persian culture at Famous Kabobs thanx to our fabulous cultural guide, Shahram. it was an interesting experience--fresh, new, hip, and cool. Laughter filled the air as we sat chatting away about what's new, what's old, what's school like and such.

Im so glad Erik and Shahram enjoys embry-riddle and cal poly, respectively, as much as they do. As for Seung and I, well... we're gonna work on it in berk and davis. lol. *Sigh*

then we spent the rest of our evening.. and early wee hours of the day walking the streets of Shahram's neighborhood...we had a kick ass time on the swings at a near by park where i almost kicked shahram in the face and had both he and seung run through oppositely swung swings conducted by captain chi and nishida. :D

It's been a while since i felt so comfortable and it's been a while since i enjoyed myself with a night full of pure joy and fun. i adored every ounce and every fecosecond of it. When my dad called at 12 to tell me to go home and after i assured him i would in a few minutes, we ended up chatting it up and laughing it up for an hour more! *sigh* how i didn't want to leave. it felt great. i miss them. good times. thanx guys. u guys are awesomeness.

:)

while lying on my bed with headphones emitting music to drown me... hopefully to sleep, my whole life flashed before my eyes... before i knew it, i was imagining how my future would be like.


funny to say because i havne't been able to envision a future for myself until last night. but still, the future i envisioned was so surreal. i imagined how elated i'd feel if graduated.. had a job.. moved out.. somewhere... i was content.. but the whole seen changed as i tried for medical school. then reality hit. what am i doing now to help me get there? nothhing. absolutely nothing.

what if i died before i was able to graduate? say... i developed malignant melanoma... say... i was intensively iron deficiently anemic... or my ulcers finally bleed out my heart. what then? my spirit dies... my body dies... and i will return to this lofty earth... belonging once again as a child of the world.. of earth. every element returned to its natural state. somehow this gives me comfort.


fear. what is it? fear of death.. no. fear of the living? perhaps.. im tired. let me rest my eyes... perhaps they'll never open again? -_-

The Lodge of Hopeful Vissicitudes

last night, i had the urge to write to unclog my mind so i took a pen and a nakpin and started to freewrite... unedited:

my metamophosis

The Amy ten years ago has died. Although we are essentially the same person of the same skin and mind, our perception and ideals, goals, and values are building an edifice of continuous change. With every step and every adobe stone cemented, every pipe and wire connected, the image of the edifice changes. The motivation, inspiration and determination which I had so many years ago have disappeared. No longer do I have these three things defined that are necessary for my survival and success; their mutated selves have not fully formed fruit yet. I feel lost. I need to find me again in these three terms; perhaps when I find what can motivate me now, inspires me now… I can find the determination and my will to follow through my goals and aspirations. Virtuous of words and honor… I will try my best to seek what earths me in the present day and take voyage to my future and homage to what I was years ago. Thank goodness I am still who I am but of one who has morphed.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Starring into the eyes of a stranger, I think, who is she? Perplexed, the only thing i can do is surmise about the quick tempered, cynical, and naive flesh of glass she is. Animosity impregnates the air of the room; suffocation lacks only an ounce more before damage is done. She's deceiving... too disgusting to taste... toxic to everything around her. I ask, "who are you?" She responds with a hissing mock of my words, spitting venom while she does so, "who are you?"

The Search

n0rmally strange (1:52:35 AM): hey
kaY8686 (1:52:43 AM): wth
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): uhhhmmm okay
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): nvm
n0rmally strange (1:52:53 AM): goodntie
kaY8686 (1:52:54 AM): go to bed!
kaY8686 (1:52:56 AM): wait!
kaY8686 (1:52:57 AM): come back
n0rmally strange (1:52:59 AM): ...
kaY8686 (1:53:01 AM): hey!
kaY8686 (1:53:03 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:53:04 AM): ...
n0rmally strange (1:53:07 AM): lets not
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): =(
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): o
kaY8686 (1:53:11 AM): k
kaY8686 (1:53:12 AM): gnite
n0rmally strange (1:53:15 AM): ur weird
n0rmally strange (1:53:26 AM): and ur probably playing games rite now
kaY8686 (1:53:34 AM): why'd you say nvm?
n0rmally strange (1:53:37 AM): i dont wanna divert ur attention.
kaY8686 (1:53:41 AM): ..
kaY8686 (1:53:42 AM): umm
n0rmally strange (1:53:48 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:53:49 AM): are you ok?
n0rmally strange (1:53:52 AM): yes
kaY8686 (1:53:56 AM): are you mad/
n0rmally strange (1:54:14 AM): i sound like a mother telling a kid to go frolic in the land of digital fantasy
n0rmally strange (1:54:27 AM): no. im not mad but i've thought things thru lately
n0rmally strange (1:54:38 AM): but nonetheless
kaY8686 (1:54:41 AM): what things?
n0rmally strange (1:54:44 AM): everything
n0rmally strange (1:54:58 AM): ive come to a conclusion about my future
n0rmally strange (1:55:06 AM): at least... part of it
n0rmally strange (1:55:15 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:55:21 AM): are you making some kind of huge life changing discision?
kaY8686 (1:55:24 AM): i wanna know now
n0rmally strange (1:55:27 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:55:28 AM): uhhh
kaY8686 (1:55:29 AM): you can't just say that, and not talk abou tit
n0rmally strange (1:55:38 AM): well.. its not HUGE
n0rmally strange (1:55:41 AM): at least
n0rmally strange (1:55:42 AM): not yet
n0rmally strange (1:55:55 AM): i hope it comes true tho
n0rmally strange (1:56:01 AM): of course it'll take yrs
n0rmally strange (1:56:05 AM): before i get there
kaY8686 (1:56:13 AM): umm
kaY8686 (1:56:31 AM): is there a reason why you can't say what it is?
n0rmally strange (1:56:32 AM): but i plan to do what imdoing now
n0rmally strange (1:56:39 AM): no
n0rmally strange (1:56:45 AM): its nothing big
n0rmally strange (1:56:47 AM): or different
n0rmally strange (1:56:55 AM): i've said it before
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): stop calling it, "it"
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): what is "it"?
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): hope what comes true?!
n0rmally strange (1:56:59 AM): that i wanna travel
kaY8686 (1:57:03 AM): o
n0rmally strange (1:57:11 AM): but.. as soon as i finish up school
n0rmally strange (1:57:15 AM): im going to leave
n0rmally strange (1:57:18 AM): no one can stop me
n0rmally strange (1:57:23 AM): at least, i hope not
n0rmally strange (1:57:33 AM): i dont belong
n0rmally strange (1:57:36 AM): here at least
n0rmally strange (1:57:45 AM): or maybe i dont belong anywhere
n0rmally strange (1:57:54 AM): maybe thats why i need to go
n0rmally strange (1:57:56 AM): places
n0rmally strange (1:58:00 AM): and find things out for myself.
n0rmally strange (1:58:05 AM): maybe i'll never settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:11 AM): i can't settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:22 AM): it was never possible for me
n0rmally strange (1:58:25 AM): and never will be
n0rmally strange (1:58:40 AM): im forever changing... and i dont see myself anywhere
kaY8686 (1:58:42 AM): did you just come to this discision?
n0rmally strange (1:58:51 AM): no. i've thought bout it for a long time now
n0rmally strange (1:59:17 AM): but now im hoping it'll come true
n0rmally strange (1:59:22 AM): that i'll be able to make it all happen
kaY8686 (1:59:26 AM): so, wheres the first place you plan on going to?
n0rmally strange (1:59:32 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (1:59:43 AM): it'll be a few yrs
n0rmally strange (1:59:47 AM): a few yrs to decide
kaY8686 (1:59:47 AM): and why can't you do it now?
n0rmally strange (1:59:53 AM): haha.. money
n0rmally strange (1:59:57 AM): i need to earn it first
n0rmally strange (2:00:06 AM): so imma find a job
n0rmally strange (2:00:12 AM): do well in school (i hope)
n0rmally strange (2:00:16 AM): just gotta focus
kaY8686 (2:00:17 AM): so, after school you're going to make money and save up and go traveling around the world like a nomad?
n0rmally strange (2:00:25 AM): lol.
n0rmally strange (2:00:28 AM): uhhh
n0rmally strange (2:00:39 AM): sure if you wanna put it that way
n0rmally strange (2:00:53 AM): but i was planning on making and saving up some now
kaY8686 (2:01:01 AM): but won't you be temporarily settling in each new location to make money
kaY8686 (2:01:04 AM): before you can move on again?
n0rmally strange (2:01:10 AM): yeah
kaY8686 (2:01:32 AM): so... the point of a degree would be?
n0rmally strange (2:01:41 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): as long as it take
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): s
n0rmally strange (2:02:04 AM): and maybe somehow i'll be able to find a place
n0rmally strange (2:02:11 AM): that i can settle down and be content with
n0rmally strange (2:02:26 AM): a reason somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:02:37 AM): someone.. something.. some place... some idea
n0rmally strange (2:02:39 AM): ionno
n0rmally strange (2:02:40 AM): something
n0rmally strange (2:02:52 AM): its out there
n0rmally strange (2:02:55 AM): somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:03:06 AM): and imma find it. at least i'll die trying.
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): you make it sound as if you'll be searching for your reason for life
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): but at the same time
kaY8686 (2:03:30 AM): you make it sound like the search is the reason
kaY8686 (2:03:41 AM): are you leaving to find your life's purpose?
kaY8686 (2:04:31 AM): or is the process of leaving the purpose?
n0rmally strange (2:05:40 AM): both i guess
n0rmally strange (2:05:42 AM): i dotn reallie know
n0rmally strange (2:05:52 AM): i dont think that there's much purpose to life
n0rmally strange (2:06:04 AM): i wanna find something that's worth staying for
n0rmally strange (2:06:34 AM): does that make sense?
kaY8686 (2:06:37 AM): yes

Misunderstandings... SUCK CRAPOY

Is it silly to cry if a friend misunderstood you and took you for a hot headed fool when all you were attempting to do was make a genuine apology with a bit of sarcasm to lighten up whatever temperament residue was left from a previously lashing statement?

I wont let it bother my conscience, so here it goes:

Dear friend:

I’m sorry if i was "prying" into your business. I was only trying to be a friend. Perhaps i thought my persistence will break you; I would like to think I only do that under certain circumstances with certain persons who I believe is comfortable with me and who would tolerate, understand the concerns I have with his/her life. I only wanted to be there to share whatever it is that wretches your mind, heart, and soul.. whatever it is that brings you a smile, laugh, cry, vent.

And whatever it means to say I'm sorry, I am. But knowing me, my sarcasm naturally found its way into my initial apology... a genuine apology at that. I guess that made you even more furious cause apparently, you took it offensively. I can't help who I am. I’m sorry if my sense of humor doesn't suit your two cents. I thought you should know that by now and that I won't say sorry unless I truly mean it, esp. if i said it to you cause you tend to make my blood boil the easiest--and what the hell does that mean? well, it means a big deal because i know my tolerance level is pretty damn high. Anyway, i'm tired of being misunderstood by you. I'm just trying to be reasonable here.. and maybe I'm making a fool of myself again cause u'll probably take this as another offense... but i'm telling you again, this time.. with no sarcastic remarks and of no teeth... I'm sorry.

If you can't take that, then I don't know if i should even try anymore. Goodnite.

Unearthing...

Would it be disturbing to feel a loss of something when you failed to seek to gain it because you were too afraid of the aftermath?

YEAHHHHHh.. very well.

It may be I never willed it, perhaps even understood it.. it being what truely earths me. What is it?

THE AMBIGUITY IS DISGUSTINGLY FARCE... the raging paradox strips me down, not to my sinews but to my bones! GAH.

It is to my understanding that I made my history almost untracable by the potent people I used to imagine to be my acquaintences... is that wrong? *Sigh*

okay... i am incoherent, am i not?

indeed. maybe my mind will clear a bit soon. i dont know.

she says its a lesbo kiss.. nothing but love for my lil sister emi!

picture with the fresh new grad... (from middle school! hahahahaha) and yah, u can see bags and dark circles under mi eyes... i drove bak at 2am and slept only 3.5 hrs for her ceremony!!!

Tributes to the OLDschoolers of my.. umm, time?

n0rmally strange (10:33:57 PM): kevin bauer... i love you!! :) have a goodnite. swt dreams. thanx for being a buddiiO! :)
Rust359 (10:34:05 PM): aWWWWW
Rust359 (10:34:16 PM): well i love u too amy, u have a good nite!!
Rust359 (10:34:17 PM): :)
n0rmally strange (10:34:28 PM): seriously tho. ur awesome. lol. yay.. hahaha. u better! jk
n0rmally strange (10:34:30 PM): ttyl dood
Rust359 (10:34:47 PM): i'm glad u think so
n0rmally strange (10:34:57 PM): lol. goodnite
Rust359 (10:35:01 PM): nite

I feel absolutely grateful for the friends i've made and friendships that i've grown so accustom to. I'm nostalgic about Sacramento and the friends i left behind. Life has been tough lately and to have the little things remind you that everything will be okay and friends to reassure you is a lot to make me smile.

Kevin Bauer, you're one of a guy. Thank you for being so sweet and being such a buddy. I seriously dont know how college would have been if i didn't have classes with you. I love you! SEriously... i'm reallie happy our friendship has grown and blossomed. i think it came a long ways and is quite something, which i honestly never surmised. thank you x a million!! you brighten up day just being you... and thank you for noticing the little things like my blog and my profile or extreme little things like my art quotient zine in the las vegas smithsonian.. i didn't think anyone would really care to read and/or comment about things like these but you certainly do; thanx for being a true caring friend. i love you, and i didn't ever think i'd say that in the past.. but i do. i seriously do love you for who u are. :) thanx dood!! keepin it real and down to earth is what you're all about and i dig it, big time! haha ;)

Jeff Gonzales: how do i even begin? wow. seeing you today for the first time in two years was aWEee and THEN some! i love how u'd always make me laugh and feel soo comfortable being the fool i am. it was great hangin with you and michimi again.
Michelle, you too are pretty damn sweet. i miss seeing you everyday. i rarely see you around school, and that sucks big time!
Jennifer Parsons.. oh jen. i can run to you and cry my eyes out or run to u and laugh as hard as i can and be the biggest fool on earth without hesitance. You are one of a kind and i thank you for always being there.. u ROCK MY SOCKS and make me want to la la! :D
Marielle: wow... you are totally like a sister who knows me well. thankyou for taking the time to call me every once in a while. and every time i see/talk to you.. its like.. we never even stopped before. i love how u make me feel like it was yesterday when we first hit it off in mrs. george's hnrs art class. i LOVE you to death!
Kasey Estrada: how i love you so~! what a peculiar kind of love that's forever been there and will always continue to be there. i miss you... a lot!
Sung Kang: you... you... you make me melt away. i can be rambling on and on and you wouldn't give a damn but listen to everything i've got to say.. not only that but you always seem to have the right things to say to me. there's this comfort i get from you that makes me feel all cozy inside. i love the aura i get from you.
Trevor Jackson: u're an odd one... a very intelligent and provocative person who isn't afraid to speak ur mind. whenever i want to purify myself with honesty and truth .. i go to you. u're my stamina for keeping it raw and true.

There are more of you... but for now, let's keep it at that because i'm soo extremely EXHAUSTED! there's a pile of junk labs that i have to keep up with..ha.... ha.. haha. haha. ha.HA! :) blah... more tributes to come when i have the time to reflect.

blah. blah blah. blah blah blah blah.

Arts Alive Judging was sOOOOOOOOOO much work yesterday! 2-8pm nonstop work... and i didn't sleep til 5am. And yesterday, I missed bio and chem just because :)

Qualitative Analysis Laboratory today sucked crap-oy. I need a punching bag. Screaming into my pillow doesn't suffice anymore. haha... ha. ha. ha? :P

I miss art. the artwork this year... could have been better to say the least. -_- nonetheless.... it's... ART! What a beauty.

my head hurts. i thought i should update... but nevermind. i will.. soon. summer? ummmmmmm

spit me out the hearth like a pheOnix, please! *sigh*

happy cinco de mayo. i can hear ppl screaming... drunkerds... what fools they can be. :P

Disturbed. Dont ask why.

And so this is what I resort to… Endless self perpetuated mind games… spindles of spool… catastrophic chaos… smokes of mushroom clouds… my mind is running a thousand miles per millisecond yet is idly frozen in time. One of these days, im going to break, not that I am not already broken but to break and never be put back together again. It scares me that I can no longer find tranquility in my dreams, so much as to say and actually believe (in the words of sung) “ok, i'm gonna go to sleep so i can dream because i'm only happy in my dreams.”

I wanted to cry myself to sleep but stopped myself. Why cry when it solves nothing… and to what reason justifies the thirst my pillow will sequench with bitter sorrowful tears. I am weak, I admit. What am i? I am yet to know. Do I exist? To that I debate. *sigh* society.. deceitful, detested… what a distaste..

o.. I cant type faster than thought.. so fragmented, so indistinctive, clear as mud. I fail again.

I’ll attempt perhaps another day… goodnight.

my lovely little monsters i'll do anything for

candid pucker up!