douse the fervor of annoyance
breathe and let live tolerance.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............
i feel like venting but i rather spare you with my dispairities.
blog-able things: a note to thy self for summer days to come:
my mother
over protective or possessive
kids who wont shut up
OMG.. OMG.. I THINK IMMA GO CRAZY...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Summer update
So I know I haven't been writing like I said I would during summer. I'm sorry. Writer's block. There are things I need to figure out about my life before I even attempt to write because anything I write before that will pretty much be incoherent.
See archives June 2004 through December 2004 for more thoughtful entries. HAH.
But I'll write this as an update:
I HAD THE MOST AWESOMENESS 4 days/3 nights WEEKEND AT SLO with Nishida and Shahram!
Erik and I took a road trip down south to visit Shahram at Cal Poly where we met a few of Shahram's friends including: mister fly guy Brian Nelson, the sweet and charming Kate Crosswhite, cool chick Taryn, and a pretty rad fellow fencer dood Collin.
Anyway we walked the Farmer's Market at downtown SLO during the first night, was introduced to the largest Champion Sports Shop ever, saw a man eat a balloon, and made our mark on the walls of Bubblegum Alley. Then Shahram took us line dancing at the grad, which was quite an experience! hahaha. i've never lined danced before, but i did learn quickly... i was instantaneously enlighted to the fact that I am the most hideous line-dancer on the planet! lol. my coordination is horrendous (or should i say nonexistant). as can be imagined, i got my toes stepped on quite a few times and sure enough by the end of the night, my right foot was inflammed. haha. it was great though. I'll be sure to take up some lessons before i visit again next time to show them up. :D
The next morning, Shahram, Erik and I went hiking up Bishop's Peak. It took us about an hour up and about 45 minutes down. It was quite a challenge going uphill considering the steepness at some parts of the trail and the climbing of several boulders. Pictures of the hike can be found on FACEBOOK. Later that evening, Brian joined us at Pismo Beach. Brian introduced boogey boarding to us.. which was sooooooooo much FUN! He was kind enough to invite us to his spiffy condo in Pismo and lent us his wetsuits. Neither Shahram nor I have ever put on a wetsuit before so it was hilarious when Shahram tangled himself in one! It was so funny when nishida had to hold Shahram's arms while Brian and I tried to pull the wetsuit off of shahram's legs in the opposite direction. lol. You HAD to be there. Anyway... after a whole afternoon of boogey boarding, we dined and walked on the pier of Pismo where we were lucky enough to catch the glimpse of several shooting stars of the Perseids meteor shower (we = excluding Shahram because he NEVER looks up :P ). Beautiful way to end a night, no? :) OH! and I had my first REAL CARMEL APPLE!! yummmmmmmmm. haha.. that was definitely the most spectacular day/night of the trip!
We planned for a bon fire to take place the next night so we can watch the peak of the meteor shower, but that never happened. Neither did kayaking at Morro Bay in the morning because of fog. :( booo... but we did spontaneously packed our belongings for another road trip further south to MALIBU to visit good ol' PAUL HIGNIGHT at Pepperdine U!! :) i havent' seen him ages so it was pretty sweet... AND we got to meet his lovely and adorable girlfriend Courtney who let me stay the night at her apartment. We walked the Santa Monica Promenade and ate at a sports bar/restaurant called Yankee Doodles (great food) and then watched Talladega and played battle of the sexes haha. Yep. Erik and I soo wanted a bon fire and tried to convince Shahram to drive back to Poly at 1 in the morning from Malibu.. lol that was pretty hilarious because paul even gave him a hard time. But we ended up staying the night in Malibu anyway, which was cool beans :) Anyway.. the rest is pretty much driving back to Poly the next morning, brunching, then erik and my drive back to sac.
good times. i almost didn't want to leave! we did so much and met so many new and interesting people who I wish I could have known better!! when i got back to sacramento, it felt as if i was gone for a month! *sigh* good times. :) hope i'll be able to do something like that again in the future.
See archives June 2004 through December 2004 for more thoughtful entries. HAH.
But I'll write this as an update:
I HAD THE MOST AWESOMENESS 4 days/3 nights WEEKEND AT SLO with Nishida and Shahram!
Erik and I took a road trip down south to visit Shahram at Cal Poly where we met a few of Shahram's friends including: mister fly guy Brian Nelson, the sweet and charming Kate Crosswhite, cool chick Taryn, and a pretty rad fellow fencer dood Collin.
Anyway we walked the Farmer's Market at downtown SLO during the first night, was introduced to the largest Champion Sports Shop ever, saw a man eat a balloon, and made our mark on the walls of Bubblegum Alley. Then Shahram took us line dancing at the grad, which was quite an experience! hahaha. i've never lined danced before, but i did learn quickly... i was instantaneously enlighted to the fact that I am the most hideous line-dancer on the planet! lol. my coordination is horrendous (or should i say nonexistant). as can be imagined, i got my toes stepped on quite a few times and sure enough by the end of the night, my right foot was inflammed. haha. it was great though. I'll be sure to take up some lessons before i visit again next time to show them up. :D
The next morning, Shahram, Erik and I went hiking up Bishop's Peak. It took us about an hour up and about 45 minutes down. It was quite a challenge going uphill considering the steepness at some parts of the trail and the climbing of several boulders. Pictures of the hike can be found on FACEBOOK. Later that evening, Brian joined us at Pismo Beach. Brian introduced boogey boarding to us.. which was sooooooooo much FUN! He was kind enough to invite us to his spiffy condo in Pismo and lent us his wetsuits. Neither Shahram nor I have ever put on a wetsuit before so it was hilarious when Shahram tangled himself in one! It was so funny when nishida had to hold Shahram's arms while Brian and I tried to pull the wetsuit off of shahram's legs in the opposite direction. lol. You HAD to be there. Anyway... after a whole afternoon of boogey boarding, we dined and walked on the pier of Pismo where we were lucky enough to catch the glimpse of several shooting stars of the Perseids meteor shower (we = excluding Shahram because he NEVER looks up :P ). Beautiful way to end a night, no? :) OH! and I had my first REAL CARMEL APPLE!! yummmmmmmmm. haha.. that was definitely the most spectacular day/night of the trip!
We planned for a bon fire to take place the next night so we can watch the peak of the meteor shower, but that never happened. Neither did kayaking at Morro Bay in the morning because of fog. :( booo... but we did spontaneously packed our belongings for another road trip further south to MALIBU to visit good ol' PAUL HIGNIGHT at Pepperdine U!! :) i havent' seen him ages so it was pretty sweet... AND we got to meet his lovely and adorable girlfriend Courtney who let me stay the night at her apartment. We walked the Santa Monica Promenade and ate at a sports bar/restaurant called Yankee Doodles (great food) and then watched Talladega and played battle of the sexes haha. Yep. Erik and I soo wanted a bon fire and tried to convince Shahram to drive back to Poly at 1 in the morning from Malibu.. lol that was pretty hilarious because paul even gave him a hard time. But we ended up staying the night in Malibu anyway, which was cool beans :) Anyway.. the rest is pretty much driving back to Poly the next morning, brunching, then erik and my drive back to sac.
good times. i almost didn't want to leave! we did so much and met so many new and interesting people who I wish I could have known better!! when i got back to sacramento, it felt as if i was gone for a month! *sigh* good times. :) hope i'll be able to do something like that again in the future.
Monday, July 24, 2006
masquerade
end the masquerade
and i'll melt with you... away
harvest me through
sing me truth
and i'll never forget the day
and i'll melt with you... away
harvest me through
sing me truth
and i'll never forget the day
Thursday, July 20, 2006
some things
there are some things in my life that i thought changed but apparently have not. there are some things in my life i will never have answers to. there are some things in my life i have recently found out about. these 'some things' agitate me. i think it's time to cultivate my reactions and emotions to these 'some things' and detach myself.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
one word
if there is one word i can use to describe what i am feeling as of late... it is, with the lack of substance, confused.
good day to you.
good day to you.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Hope
I don't know what faith I have, but I am desperate.
I can't believe I am doing this but I will take my chances:
I know this is awkard to ask of anyone who is religious in anyway and I know I may be selfish to ask, but please pray for my younger sister's well-being. She's ill and I don't even know where to turn anymore. It really means a lot to me and my family. Thank you.
Love.
I can't believe I am doing this but I will take my chances:
I know this is awkard to ask of anyone who is religious in anyway and I know I may be selfish to ask, but please pray for my younger sister's well-being. She's ill and I don't even know where to turn anymore. It really means a lot to me and my family. Thank you.
Love.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Final Countdown
LAST DAY OF FINALS! Physics in FIVE HOURS! the countdown begins. yes i should be studying but my mentality = "eh, i'll just wing it." *shurgs*
:) "Studying" with Amanda Cianchetta yesterday was interesting to say the least. I can't wait til next quarter. We're having a pact and we're keeping it. :D New goals and perspectives on life and future... i suppose that is what one truly amazing person can do to you without having to say or do much. Thanx Cianchetta.. you're inspirational!
la la la la la.
i miss my little monsters.
i can't wait until the clock strikes 12:30PM
:) I LOVE YOU!
:) "Studying" with Amanda Cianchetta yesterday was interesting to say the least. I can't wait til next quarter. We're having a pact and we're keeping it. :D New goals and perspectives on life and future... i suppose that is what one truly amazing person can do to you without having to say or do much. Thanx Cianchetta.. you're inspirational!
la la la la la.
i miss my little monsters.
i can't wait until the clock strikes 12:30PM
:) I LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
venting
1. finals didn't go so smoothly = disappointment and regrets but i can't blame anyone but myself
2. ppl need to stop snooping around my shit, esp. if it's personal shit. take the goddamn hands and nose and aura out of my fucking room.
3. sorry for swearing.
4. i miss my family. esp. my little monsters.
5. i miss my friends. social life = dull as of late. which is alright. i dont mind it but i miss it.
6. need to write letters to ppl
7. need to study for physics final
that's all for now.
8. ppl need to stay outta my shit.
2. ppl need to stop snooping around my shit, esp. if it's personal shit. take the goddamn hands and nose and aura out of my fucking room.
3. sorry for swearing.
4. i miss my family. esp. my little monsters.
5. i miss my friends. social life = dull as of late. which is alright. i dont mind it but i miss it.
6. need to write letters to ppl
7. need to study for physics final
that's all for now.
8. ppl need to stay outta my shit.
Bad Day
I love this song and I love the music video.
'Bad Day' - Daniel Powter
Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
(yeah...)
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
'Bad Day' - Daniel Powter
Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
(yeah...)
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Level
gah. breathe, amy. breathe. tell yourself to dismiss little men--i will not be submissive to your ignorance and your pitiful arrogance.
______________________
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man(Woman), my son (daughter).
______________________
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man(Woman), my son (daughter).
Sunday, March 12, 2006
bittersweet
im letting go. i think... finally. letting go...
sighhh
anyway--good korean song:
Byul - "I think I" (Full House OST)
I believed that it couldn't be, that it wasn't
There is simply no way that I could be in love with you
It is just petty jealousy,
I am just feeling lonely
I tried to deceive myself
But now I can't hide from it any longer
CHORUS
I Think I love You that's how it seems
Cause I Miss You when you're not around
I can't do anything
I keep thinking about you
If I look at how things are I know
I'm Falling For You I didn't realize it
Now I Need You all the time
Located so deep in my heart
Now I see it is you
Maybe we are not suited to each other
It would be good if we are just friends
From one to ten, we never agree on anything
How can we have a relationship?
People say we won't be able to do it
I keep saying it
But now I hate to do it any longer
I didn't realize how I felt about you,
Why couldn't I see?
It was right in front of me
That whole time you were right next to me
Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?
Translation by : Goro-chan, Warghal
sighhh
anyway--good korean song:
Byul - "I think I" (Full House OST)
I believed that it couldn't be, that it wasn't
There is simply no way that I could be in love with you
It is just petty jealousy,
I am just feeling lonely
I tried to deceive myself
But now I can't hide from it any longer
CHORUS
I Think I love You that's how it seems
Cause I Miss You when you're not around
I can't do anything
I keep thinking about you
If I look at how things are I know
I'm Falling For You I didn't realize it
Now I Need You all the time
Located so deep in my heart
Now I see it is you
Maybe we are not suited to each other
It would be good if we are just friends
From one to ten, we never agree on anything
How can we have a relationship?
People say we won't be able to do it
I keep saying it
But now I hate to do it any longer
I didn't realize how I felt about you,
Why couldn't I see?
It was right in front of me
That whole time you were right next to me
Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?
Translation by : Goro-chan, Warghal
Friday, March 10, 2006
everyone is quick to joke and judge about my character today. in physics DL, we gave each other nicknames. and i? PLAYAH Chi. hahahahahaha.. how and why the name? i wouldn't be able to tell you. they say if i was a druggie... i'd be a cocaine addict. hah!
dubbed as one who carries many alluring facial expressions of unknown intent, i am typed a mystery of character by sir eric lee and madame cianchetta.
i might as well put it in practice...
_____________________
"When one is young one should begin to philosophize, and when one is old one should not be tired of philosophizing. For it is never too early or too late to work at the health of the soul." -Epicurus
being pensive and attempting to race along with the mind. literally. :P
dubbed as one who carries many alluring facial expressions of unknown intent, i am typed a mystery of character by sir eric lee and madame cianchetta.
i might as well put it in practice...
_____________________
"When one is young one should begin to philosophize, and when one is old one should not be tired of philosophizing. For it is never too early or too late to work at the health of the soul." -Epicurus
being pensive and attempting to race along with the mind. literally. :P
Thursday, March 09, 2006
GAH
I've been sleeping a lot lately, but that doesn't mean it's quality sleep.
I can hardly keep myself asleep. It's like I'm using every ounce of energy just to force my body to rest. Why? I don't know.
Something is bothering me, yah? ((I think)) GAH.
Why am i so agitated? frustrated? plain ol' ~!@#$%^&*^%#$@ I dont even know the word for it.
blah blah blah blah blah. For one, i did worse in the berkeley tourney than i thought. DID I TELL YOU HOW I FREAKISHLY GOT JIPPED 2 POINTS IN THE DIRECT ELIMINATION ROUND BECAUSE OF MY STUPID LINE JUDGES?!?! o man... seeded 25th after the first rounds and just because of those possible 2 points, i lose against someone who was seeded 41! and my final seeding????????? 33?!? gah. no. no. i'm over it. sigh. its okay. i had fun. except for that incident. its okay. nat won novice foil. whoo hoo~! go UCD! For two, I hate ochem lab, and mind you, i usually LOVEEEE lab. gah. so much baby-ing from the T.A. who no one understands. sigh. he won't give me the points i honestly believe i deserve from the free response questions on exam 1 and 2... and i need those points! GRRRRRR.. STUPID STUPID STUPID t.a. blah blah blah blah blah....
what else?! TOO MUCH. but i haven't sort it all out yet. i dont believe i will until after finals. oooo ooo finals...
Finals are coming up next week. Start on the 17th and i dont end til the last day on the 23rd. Gotta ace all my exams to attain grades i'll be satisfied with. :P It's okay. I just have to breathe. Relax. Absorb. and NOT freak out. hah. i hope i do well.
I can hardly keep myself asleep. It's like I'm using every ounce of energy just to force my body to rest. Why? I don't know.
Something is bothering me, yah? ((I think)) GAH.
Why am i so agitated? frustrated? plain ol' ~!@#$%^&*^%#$@ I dont even know the word for it.
blah blah blah blah blah. For one, i did worse in the berkeley tourney than i thought. DID I TELL YOU HOW I FREAKISHLY GOT JIPPED 2 POINTS IN THE DIRECT ELIMINATION ROUND BECAUSE OF MY STUPID LINE JUDGES?!?! o man... seeded 25th after the first rounds and just because of those possible 2 points, i lose against someone who was seeded 41! and my final seeding????????? 33?!? gah. no. no. i'm over it. sigh. its okay. i had fun. except for that incident. its okay. nat won novice foil. whoo hoo~! go UCD! For two, I hate ochem lab, and mind you, i usually LOVEEEE lab. gah. so much baby-ing from the T.A. who no one understands. sigh. he won't give me the points i honestly believe i deserve from the free response questions on exam 1 and 2... and i need those points! GRRRRRR.. STUPID STUPID STUPID t.a. blah blah blah blah blah....
what else?! TOO MUCH. but i haven't sort it all out yet. i dont believe i will until after finals. oooo ooo finals...
Finals are coming up next week. Start on the 17th and i dont end til the last day on the 23rd. Gotta ace all my exams to attain grades i'll be satisfied with. :P It's okay. I just have to breathe. Relax. Absorb. and NOT freak out. hah. i hope i do well.
Friday, February 24, 2006
la la la la la
thank goodness for the sake of writing to maintain self sanity.
i just awoke from an uber sad dream. my whole body aches, my pillow case and blankets are soaked, and i feel like crap-- what a contrast to the dream i had a few days previous.
*sigh* i'm definitely feeling the pressure now.. of the tourney, gigantic shit load of school work i need to start doing, future planning, and personal issues. i want next week to come already so i can get it all over with but then again, i dont because i need more time to study. i can't wait til spring break. i can't wait to see people i haven't seen in ages, months, days... gah! i can't wait to feel comfortable again.
i want to scream on the top of my lungs, cry my tear ducts dry, and laugh until my stomach kills... and then run until i drop. haha. blahhhhhh i can't wait until break. i MUST MUST MUST visit the beach/bay. i must must must see the must see people i love oh so very much and miss oh so very much!
la la la la la... gah
shake it off. shake it off. only a few more weeks. damn it amy chi.. damn you. get yourself together. suck it in, breathe it out. the world is yours. take it in. learn it. love it. live it.
i just awoke from an uber sad dream. my whole body aches, my pillow case and blankets are soaked, and i feel like crap-- what a contrast to the dream i had a few days previous.
*sigh* i'm definitely feeling the pressure now.. of the tourney, gigantic shit load of school work i need to start doing, future planning, and personal issues. i want next week to come already so i can get it all over with but then again, i dont because i need more time to study. i can't wait til spring break. i can't wait to see people i haven't seen in ages, months, days... gah! i can't wait to feel comfortable again.
i want to scream on the top of my lungs, cry my tear ducts dry, and laugh until my stomach kills... and then run until i drop. haha. blahhhhhh i can't wait until break. i MUST MUST MUST visit the beach/bay. i must must must see the must see people i love oh so very much and miss oh so very much!
la la la la la... gah
shake it off. shake it off. only a few more weeks. damn it amy chi.. damn you. get yourself together. suck it in, breathe it out. the world is yours. take it in. learn it. love it. live it.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
:)
I dont know why but i was in an incredibly good mood last night. I fenced semi well, read a good portion of my leisure book China Men by Maxine Hong Kingston before I fell asleep, and had a really good dream where I sang, danced, pranced, and painted. hahahahahaha.. i can vaguely remember the queer looks i received from ppl in my dream.
Anyway.. I'm excited about this weekend's Berkeley tournament. I HAVE MY OWN GEAR! whooot... hahaha.. but i havne't been to practice much this quarter and wonder how i'll perform. eeeh, i'm not worried about ranking high/low... it's all about having fun and gaining more experience, yah? :) I am worried tho, that my right ankle and left fifth metatarsal won't cooperate and fail me. :-\ *knock on wood*
On the flip coin.... I should be stressed! Midterms, papers, labs, and quizzes flying left and right next week.. all of which I haven't really touched. -_- and esp. with the tournament this weekend.. i wonder how i'll manage. aahhhhhh.. mmmk. I'll start crackin.
<3 for all. good day to you, mi amor.
Anyway.. I'm excited about this weekend's Berkeley tournament. I HAVE MY OWN GEAR! whooot... hahaha.. but i havne't been to practice much this quarter and wonder how i'll perform. eeeh, i'm not worried about ranking high/low... it's all about having fun and gaining more experience, yah? :) I am worried tho, that my right ankle and left fifth metatarsal won't cooperate and fail me. :-\ *knock on wood*
On the flip coin.... I should be stressed! Midterms, papers, labs, and quizzes flying left and right next week.. all of which I haven't really touched. -_- and esp. with the tournament this weekend.. i wonder how i'll manage. aahhhhhh.. mmmk. I'll start crackin.
<3 for all. good day to you, mi amor.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Life, Death, Love, Truth, Honesty, and Purity-- Unedited
hmm.. where to even begin???
It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.
Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.
The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.
And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:
I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.
Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).
I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3
On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*
Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.
________________________________
"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."
-"Death and the Plougman"
It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.
Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.
The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.
And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:
I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.
Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).
I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3
On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*
Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.
________________________________
"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."
-"Death and the Plougman"
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Wash me anew
I think i want to start a new project. an art project. and a nature project. i need to earth myself.
I looked up at the sky today and got loss in its vessel of beauty, mercy, and tranquility. I haven't done that in a while. I think im going to spend tomorrow at the park, weather permitting. :)
I looked up at the sky today and got loss in its vessel of beauty, mercy, and tranquility. I haven't done that in a while. I think im going to spend tomorrow at the park, weather permitting. :)
I stole it
In 2005.... I...
(x) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
( ) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office
OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
( ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
(x) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( )saw a favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone
(x) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
( ) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office
OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
( ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
(x) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( )saw a favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone
goodbyes
If I was to disappear from the lives I onced walked into, forgive me.
My zest for change has taken ahold. Nostalgic I am--no less than a contradition of life and death. I am unsure of who I am or what I am to become... Im not quite sure I like what I am turning myself into.
___
what makes me more curious...
if only i did take up my acceptance at Boston Uni...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/02/03/bioterrorism.lab.ap/index.html
or followed my aspirations and passion...
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/gallery.php
we always want what we cannot have. sigh.
My zest for change has taken ahold. Nostalgic I am--no less than a contradition of life and death. I am unsure of who I am or what I am to become... Im not quite sure I like what I am turning myself into.
___
what makes me more curious...
if only i did take up my acceptance at Boston Uni...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/02/03/bioterrorism.lab.ap/index.html
or followed my aspirations and passion...
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/gallery.php
we always want what we cannot have. sigh.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
In touch with nature, culture, and spirit
I had the most ordinary lunar bday today... and I never felt better about how smoothly things went with everyone that came and went. I felt more spiritual and cultural than usual, that is in a non-religious kind of way.. perhaps it all has to do with my godfather and godmother being mother and father earth. complicated, yes. and the mystery continues... Happy Lunar New Year!
mm.. look at my beautiful cake.. haha..
i dont normally gush.. but.. !!! :D my whole dad's side of the fam was there.. so we had TWO cakes! yum
P.S. i fell in love with this kid (my distant cousin) that sang the ABCs and "You Are My Sunshine" to me. it was the first time we've met. he is the sweetest darn thing ever..aaaahhh 2 yrs old and he swooned me like no other. *CHEEZE* :) it makes me smile just thinking about him :)
mm.. look at my beautiful cake.. haha..
i dont normally gush.. but.. !!! :D my whole dad's side of the fam was there.. so we had TWO cakes! yum
P.S. i fell in love with this kid (my distant cousin) that sang the ABCs and "You Are My Sunshine" to me. it was the first time we've met. he is the sweetest darn thing ever..aaaahhh 2 yrs old and he swooned me like no other. *CHEEZE* :) it makes me smile just thinking about him :)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
The gift of new years: a hearty reminder of what it is to be grateful
when i woke up this morning, my whole right arm was completely LIMP! it was possibly more limp than the limp of dead fish one can buy off the market.
i literally could NOT move it and had to lift it up with my left hand. i got so scared sitting there. i tried pinching it and lifting it with my left arm.. AND I COULD NOT FEEL A SINGLE THING.. not even the slightest pressure from my left hand/fingers as i grabbed it.
horrible notions ran through my head: "as a new year's gift, my whole right arm is going to be paralyzed. i will no longer be able to paint, draw, do art!, write letters, fence! or do anything without my right arm/hand!
Aghast and hardly breathing, i wavered my limp appendage back and forth with the help and wholesome support of my left arm, watching my wrist snap back and forth like i've never seen it before. it must have been at least two minutes until feeling started to gradually come back.
*SIGH*, what a thing to start the day off with! i honestly thought it was OVER for me! :-0
i can now genuinely say i am grateful for simply being in "one functional unit."
Moral of story: appreciate the small things in life. no matter how small it is, it makes an unfathomable difference to do without.
side self reminder: i still need to make that doctor's appointment :-\
i literally could NOT move it and had to lift it up with my left hand. i got so scared sitting there. i tried pinching it and lifting it with my left arm.. AND I COULD NOT FEEL A SINGLE THING.. not even the slightest pressure from my left hand/fingers as i grabbed it.
horrible notions ran through my head: "as a new year's gift, my whole right arm is going to be paralyzed. i will no longer be able to paint, draw, do art!, write letters, fence! or do anything without my right arm/hand!
Aghast and hardly breathing, i wavered my limp appendage back and forth with the help and wholesome support of my left arm, watching my wrist snap back and forth like i've never seen it before. it must have been at least two minutes until feeling started to gradually come back.
*SIGH*, what a thing to start the day off with! i honestly thought it was OVER for me! :-0
i can now genuinely say i am grateful for simply being in "one functional unit."
Moral of story: appreciate the small things in life. no matter how small it is, it makes an unfathomable difference to do without.
side self reminder: i still need to make that doctor's appointment :-\
Thursday, January 26, 2006
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