even in a paradoxical world of chaotic, listless responsibilities, one must spare a quiet moment and resist all calamities of the buzzing life to make it all worthwhile. i'm going to bask with leisure even if the sky falls today. tmr can come with quadruple the challenges.. :::knock on wood:::

p.s. i can't say it enough but thank goodness for indispensable, encouraging friends and family who keep me grounded, grateful, and gleeful. i truly believe there's a source of altruism in all of us, so please be courageously mindful to be resourceful with that fountain of inspirational soul. the world needs a bit of ubiquitous well-being every now and then!

sincerely :)

i'm keeping an effervescent feeling under wraps bc good things do not keep forever at a constant rate. but it's nice to feel that i found a hint of something precious ive lost. :) i should enjoy it while it lasts. yay? nay?  yay.

p.s. 2012 ended on a fairly good note. had a blast in sf a week prior to the new yr with some old hs buddies-- classic stupid, mindless, hearty fun; it's been a while since i've had one of those days.  gotta love them to pieces; couldnt ask for better company that night! <3>

so! new job. new revised outlook. new revised expectations. new revised goals. life is grand with a bittersweet sentiment. the matters of the heart and mind in respect to realms other than the career orient will just have to be put on the back burner... maybe all else will fall into place if i ignore it enough? hah. i jest. who i am kidding or trying to convince? but truth be told that it is best i leave them on the back burner for now.

work hard. party hard. and love hard in chronological order, and repeat. i'm a sucker for the last because it is with that foundation that my edifice builds. so archetypal. :P

 i am resolved for change. be relentless! whoot.

matters of the heart and mind

of a hopeful mind is also of a foolish mind. who is to say if it will endear one with luck or taint a mellifluous charm bitter?  perhaps, it is better left unraveled and untethered because heart strings can only take so much tension; and certain scars are sometimes best left untouched.

my heart heaves with poor stamina and rather not have to deal with trickery of the mind. i wish answers were readily provided and would appreciate it if i can be dismissed from the charades, the masquerade...

but alas, dreamers be damned, and so i am. :P

 good night, mis amores.

the idle fist... soon to be revealed

i have not written in over a year and am feeling incredibly rusty. there will be an awakening soon... i feel it. And as I read the posts of the soon-to-be yesteryear, my first reaction was disgust. i am disgusted by the emotional torment/energy i wasted on writing those posts; it's always 20/20 in hindsight... perhaps i'll elaborate more upon that matter another time. adieu for now. there are so many things running through my mind right now and by god will it come out of me soon.... and i can't wait. it won't be pretty, i guarantee it. but i can't wait nonetheless. raw. uncensored. my mind and soul needs serious cleansing. fact.

p.s. i miss people.

struggles and triumph

this goes down as one of my top three struggles i've had in life thus far.. and i'm not sure if anything in the future can ever top it. i am so incredibly, unfathomably exhausted-- mentally, physically, emotionally... i have been disheartened to the point of helplessness and brink of giving up on multiple occasions within the last six months. but i am so glad i did not give up. alas, victory is mine!!! :) :) :) :) i can't stop smiling. but yet, there is still much work to be done. sigh. :) the heart is more than half the battle. happy thursday, everyone!


I have felt defeated and disheartened on so many accounts as of late... and i am SO incredibly, unfathomably exhausted-- mentally, physically, emotionally... but alas, triumph is mine :) i can't stop smiling. but no full celebration yet, there is still much work to be done. sigh. :) all i can say is that the heart is more than half the battle. onward we march! happy thursday, everyone!



Some of you have asked me why I've been so detached and distant from the world around me as of late, and I apologize for not being able to explain myself; I sincerely thank you for voicing your concerns and lending your ears and loving heart-- I am grateful to have such wonderful friends; I truly am forever in your debt for you guys have always been nothing but altruistic in the establishment we have made as friends.

just one of those days.

i stare at myself in the mirror with the acknowledgment that past events--whether good or bad, however particularly the bad and the "never ever do again"s-- are the best things to ever happen to me. i have no regrets. but, guiltily (as there is always room for improvement), i still i wish i could have a major do-over nonetheless...to do more in life.. to be a better person.

c'est la vie! growth... it's what the future has to offer. be relentless <3! rethink and reshape impossibilities to possibilities. whoo hoo... aim high, fly higher :]

not so morbid. honest.

two quick things:

1. i'm disheartened. i woke up today from a dream that reenacted one of the exact moments i knew i should have cut myself loose-- the moment i knew i was in it too deep and the moment i knew he wasnt and never will be. i'm over it. i really really am. but it still stings like a bitch deep down inside apparently.

2. after last weekend's illness, having laid there alone in the dark with my thoughts to myself, i am glad to say i really have no regrets in life. i really am prepared to die.. at least i believe i am intellectually and emotionally ready since i didn't fear it when death crept through almost every fiber of my being that night. there is nothing in this world i long to stay and fight longer for--however morbid that may sound. i have loved and cared truly and deeply in the many levels of love there is (naively so with family/friends/significant others even if the love was/is unrequited). i have paid my dues in my half of relationships and share of the world having tried my best in situations genuinely. i am ready to let go, whenever the moment may come.
people really do die alone and there is nothing in the world to stop the fact.

fly high. :)

a due date for some mind cleansing

"Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes, you just don’t want to be comforted. Because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze, time to pull yourself together again and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go, and time to start again." -lovebot.

It doesnt seem likely that we will ever work out again and time has left me to conquer the dwelling upon our past and help me come to terms with what was and what is. He still haunts my dreams sometimes. Often times, it is of him coming back and us being friends again... and sometimes of him making small gestures to show that he still cares for me like he once did. At least they are no longer of him being mean or nonchalant toward me, which encompassed most of him-related dreams of mine just a few months back. I guess, I wish that whatever we had was real and the hope that he knows and feels that it will always be what it was but nevermore. That he wont deny that we had something special together. I dont' know what it is for him, and perhaps that's why it also cuts deeper: but I do know what it was for me... it was otherworldly. However twisted I became as my insecurities showed, however passionate and naive I was in letting an illusion of love made of his perhaps finicky blanket of affection for me, I loved him. I loved him even when I hated him, spited him. He was my escape from me-- of what is raw and undeniably vile in nature my musings may be. He was my escape and I loved him for that.

People dont leave because things are hard. they leave because it's no longer worth it.

love anything and your heart with be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to noone, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements. lock it up in a casket or coffin of your own selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken, it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable. --C.S. Lewis

speaking of love(of
which Who knows the
meaning;or how dreaming
becomes

if your heart’s mind)i
guess a grassblade
Thinks beyond or
around(as poems are

made)Our picking it. this
caress that laugh
both quickly signify
life’s only half(through

deep weather then
or none let’s feel
all)mind in mind flesh
In flesh succeeding disappear

--eecummings

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
— Jack Keruoac

no one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. no one stays in love by chance, it is by work and noone falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.

I taught myself to always see the signs of falling in love. The special feeling. The way my heart sped up. All the emotions I had felt before.
I taught myself something new today.
That love can never be felt the way it once was. I didn’t know love until I found it for the first time and reminders of what love once felt like have no bearing in the love i’ll feel in the future.
I only need to keep my heart open, feet steady, and my mind open to the unknown because I have more to discover that can’t be found from retracing my steps.
— Boy Meets Love

Friends. No. ......Love.

What a night yesterday...

distant sounds of ceremonial drumming, chanting, and flutes characteristic of native americans perhaps(?) around my house until 2am in the morning...

heated arguments and discussions
brutal honesty of sorts
the unforgiving terse good night...
the make up text of "i love you's and i'm madly in love with you"
and then the gratefulness to know that there is someone who is willing to give you truth and honesty always without having to ask for it... and the knowing that someone will love you for you, no matter your character... and to have someone know you so well to know what buttons to push to make you a better person even when doing so will make your blood boil and cool and calm in a minute's time which may seem to last an eternity. this is precisely why i love my best friend and why i love our moments-- how we can tear each other into shreds and glue each other back, effortlessly, anew like the quarrels never existed. but i think i'll let him burn in my silence a little longer. spite. i love how our peculiar relationship works. :D and if you're reading this, i love you. dont think for a second that i dont because i really, really, honestly do.... however corrosive your tongue may be at times. :P thank you for always being there for me. you know who you are, asshole ;)

Dear luck of goodness:

Hi, Amy here all flustered and stressed out asking for a HUGE favor. I rarely ask-- no, beg... for your assistance; but here I am today begging for you to be by my side for the next 2.5 weeks. You see, there's this huge final coming up and the huge board exam that's going to determine my life for the next x amount of years. So please, please be there for me and help me pass. Thanks. I owe you plenty.

Much love,
Amy.


silly rabbit. tricks are for kids! :P

Oh and by the way, I'm growing up way too fast. And life is changing way too quickly. If you know the secret of how to stop time for just a while, please, do share. K. Back to studying.

Expansion

I came across a few things this week that enlighten me to what really makes me happy; ultimately, my journey in learning how to let go is beginning to shed light. There's a community center about half a mile from my home that's been fully refurbished and remodeled-- equipped with a new gym for basketball and volleyball. There's also a mini fitness room, computer room, games room, and several conference rooms as well as a mini library where you can check out novels. It has a huge potential to be put to some good use: it could be a safe haven and great resource center for children and people of our community, esp. since I live in a less fortunate neighborhood (the ghettos, if you will). Unfortunately, there isn't much going on there yet, perhaps because of budget cuts and so forth; but I would hate to see such a great facility go to waste. I was thinking that maybe I can volunteer some time there and hopefully work with the people there on some expansion ideas of how to better serve our community. I can't tell you how excited I was to see the place and the urge and want to help out and create something wonderful. Hm. It's on the bucket list.

Anyway, so much more to talk about but not enough time. Good night.

i dont need it. i dont want it. i dont want it at all. but why does it hurt so bad? FML. i dont get it. someone help?

I won't give up and I won't give in. it'll break me into more pieces and i'll take too long to recover. it can't and WON'T happen. FOOLISHNESS!

In love again

Ahhh.. I can't stop thinking about fencing!! XD I'm in love again after only one day of barely any practice on Wednesday. I started practicing footwork at home yesterday before bed because I couldn't stop thinking about fencing while laying in bed. haha. I'm super sore today, but it hurts good. lol. I woke up this morning, late for work... but that's okay because there's absolutely noone there who's on my tail. While trying to study at work, I came up with this brillant idea to train my left hand coordination--- letter tracing!!! Okay, it isn't brillant, but I figure I better work on coordination in addition to strength training.. and what better way than to do tedious writing? If i can write decently with my left-hand, then i shouldn't really have a problem with small, delicate bladework movements with my fingers... in theory?

So tentative daily plan goal:

Tracing letters A-Z upper/lower case (4x)
Left forearm strength training starting with 2 lbs
Cardio workout for at least half hr
Footwork: advance x 10. retreat x 10. advance lunge x 5. retreat lunge x 5. repeat set x 2. double advance, retreat, lunge x 10.
Core strength training? hmm.. idk yet.

It starts tonight after sushi and studying. So much to do in so little time!

Love! :)

Dilemma

Not too long ago (maybe a few months) on gchat:

me: RAWRRRRRR!!!!
CW: rawr!
me: pounce claw claw* bite sigh of satisfaction :)
la la la la la la. :) i missssss you
CW: im not sure if i do
you want to eat me!
scary!
me: :(
fine.
CW: he he
me: stay scared
for the rest of your life
CW: just kidding
i miss you
your claws don't scare me
me: i dont need christopher flesh. i dont need your pity neither
CW: lol
ohhhh you neeed christopher flesh!
me: you're leaving me anyway. pshhh, i'll forget about you
CW: no don't say that
:(
i was only kidding :( :(
are you actually sad?
me: yes
CW: why?
me: i dont know. i just am.
CW: i was only trying to make a joke
i do actually miss you
i liked that line you wrote
i was just trying to be funny
im sorry
me: i know you were joking
CW: so why are you sad?
me: i dont know. it doesnt make it any easier that you are leaving one day and may
not miss me anymore
CW: just cos im leaving doesn't mean i won't miss you

_________
Funny it all came true. I'm here. Sad and missing.
And he's gone. There, without the missing--not even the slightest bit.

Does it hurt?
yes.

But will I dwell?
I'm trying my best not to.

What am I going to do?
I'm debating whether not to hit the "delete CW" button from facebook. aim. gchat. gmail. From my life, really.

Am I hesitant?
yes.

Any votes/suggestions??
please, do share.

estatic!

love love love love love!

An inspiring professor I had in high school once said, "if you hate it enough, you'll change it."

Well, change is in the air because I am taking one step at a time to ensure myself a natural high that have been missing from my life way too much for way too long.

I am committing myself to fencing again, but this time with my left- instead of my right-hand. I have dubbed myself noob status and am determined to work my way from bottom up all over again. I'm sure there will be a lot of hurdles to jump and kinks to smooth out; many o' obstacles in the way, but I hope my patience will pay off in the end. I don't care if I ever compete again (which is ideal and my ultimate goal); all I want is just to be able to fence again. And today is Day 1 of change. There are no words that can clearly express and surmise how awesome it feels to be back in the salle again and NOT be the spectator. Although I haven't gained much from tonight and how ever hard it was to watch the advance fencers do their footwork/bladework and free fencing, wishing I was right along side them while standing with the noobs, I am not going to give up. I'll be there again eventually; but for now, I am a noob. Once, twice, and thrice over.

I'm psyched!! :)

P.S. You know, I've always wondered why all the guys I've dated in the past were lefties--ironic and out of coincidence of course. And although none remains as my "other half" today, it seems lefty-ness will never fail to be any less notable in my life for I am finally going to be a lefty myself. Does that make me whole? hahah... how peculiar! Maybe that just means I'm destined to be a lone star. Maybe I'm just really not cut out for relationships. I was never gf material, probably never will be (I know, it really doesnt have anything to do with anything.. but oh the irony kind of tickles my fancy. haha) Cheerios! :D

Quarter-life Crisis

"Unrelenting indecision, isolation, confusion and anxiety about working, relationships and direction is reported by people in their mid-twenties to early thirties who are usually urban, middle class and well-educated; those who should be able to capitalize on their youth, unparalleled freedom and free-for-all individuation. They can’t make any decisions, because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they want because they don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who they are because they’re allowed to be anyone they want."
-http://www.misanthropytoday.com/quarterlife-crisis/

I don't think I'm having a 'crisis' although the article depicts me thoughts almost perfectly. I just want to be wonderful again because I certainly don't feel like I am. *sigh* I want to paint, draw, and fence again... but where has the time gone? When will I get to pick up from where I left them?

5 year plan? My bucket-list? it's in the works...

Autumn nostalgia.

Long day at work today.

Today's weather felt like autumn: partly cloudy with a slight breeze, not too cold; it was perfect.

Maybe it is because of my chemical imbalance due to what is about that time of the month or maybe it's because I still don't understand how it all happen so quickly from smooth sailing to abandon ship, but I found myself crying the moment I stepped outside after being cooped up in the lab today. It wasn't because I had a bad day, but I caught myself by surprised when I had an almost immediate, sudden flashback memory of what it was like to be with him when we first became an 'item' around this time of year. And once I started, the memories came back like a tsunami; I was happy and he never failed to make all my troubles go away with a simple hug or squeeze of my hand. I miss that. A lot. Funny that. And the only memories that came back today were good memories, which made the tears worse, even though we had our fair share of bad ones. I guess I really did love him at some point. And I guess I'm really not all that over it as much as I believed I was. The tears came and went; after a while, I had enough of feeling sorry for myself and forced myself to be reminded of all of the good things that come with being single again. lol. Funny what the weather can do to a person and how strongly emotions are wicked by our sensory perception.
Ugh, I hate this. I thought I was done and over with it. It felt like it just crept out of nowhere... like an ambush. I'm just wondering when the next unexpected moment is going to creep up on me again, ya know? Or when these unexpected moments will cease completely; I sure hope they do because the aftertaste is yucky. I feel like taking a hammer and beating the hell out of these ambushes so they can't come back again. Ever.

Too much sappiness. Time for bed. Good night. :)

Back to being groovy :D

what a wonderful day at work. :) smiles are contagious. maybe i really am the peppy one... it feels really great to be back!


on the other hand, i had a really bad desire to go fence today. :( too bad i'm in no shape to do so. :'(

*cheese* :)

Rust359 (11:27:29 PM): nite u!! miss ya too
Rust359 (11:27:51 PM): could never be another like u

*awwwww* quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone have said to me. :) :) <3 you!

Stages

There are five stages of grief... different for everyone but there are always five.

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Just when you think it's over, it comes right back to take your breath away.

Sometimes it hurts so bad, you cannot breathe. That's when you know you survived.

The little things that made me giggle today

At the end of lecture today, my clinical chemistry instructor said, "I hope we get to keep you, Amy. You're so cute." I especially chuckled when she said I was "peppy" and would be a "fun and wonderful person to work with." Lol, do you see the irony? Amy, peppy. Hmm... interesting mix. Anyway, she said I reminded her of her daughter (she's about 50 and has long white/grey hair) and that made me smile. :)

The fungal species name Malassezia furfur also makes me giggle. It can be isolated from the blood of infants taking lipid milk powered supplements; the addition of olive oil is a must need if you want to culture it in vitro.

Oh yes, reading a conversation i saved from ages ago which i had with Kevin Bauer when he was drunk, post-o-chem days ;D. tee hee hee.
And the dream I had yesterday about Kasey ballooning to a size like Manuel Uribe and becoming a recluse and outcast of society, but the fact that I still love him very much. lol.

... la dee da. so much to do in so little time. aim high. fly higher.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why? why do i care?

why does it make me feel like crap? why do i feel so apathetic, then?

this is stupid.

good night.

people that make my heart swell :)

Hiking = amy :)

Hiking with good company = amy super :)

Akshay Dhupelia, you rock my socks.
Jackie Chan, you're a crazy kid.
and
Ernie Chu, you always make me feel like home.

:) Thanks for a lovely Saturday. Love you all!

The end.

: \

Today is _________. I don't really have anything to say. I don't know what I am. There are no words to explain how I feel. I'm empty for words. Perhaps the closest word that comes to mind is "disheartened." Or maybe just "empty."

Benny and Joon comes to save my day. I forget how wonderful that movie is. Oh, and the song in the movie by Joe Cocker-- Have a Little Faith In Me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Give these loving arms a try baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You know time, time is our friend
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough.

Sigh. Benny and Joon. Oh, and I suppose silence too:


"True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had." -Ozge Dilsiz


I miss you, Daniel Kasey Estrada. And thank you. :\ :]

:[

i'm running out of steam... blarghhh.... where did it all go?

:[


on another note, i surprised myself today while watching an episode of grey's anatomy: although the human body and mind have a miraculous ability to heal, a crushed heart does not heal as quickly nor easily as i thought. foolishness.

hmmm... the end.



it's 9/11. there's so much to say, so much to ponder. but i have no energy. things will just have be left unsaid. for now.

waiting on the next best _________

i am tempted to

punch holes in my infallible memory.
to,
erase the evidence of your void,
your
ephemeral love facade.

i will waste no time of yours.
fear not.

the north winds will catch me,
breathe life into my sails...

away, hither, tither.



no where you are.