i can't sleep

DUDE. I'm cold. My head hurts. My stomach is sore. And yet, I'm not tired. Not enough to sleep. I'm wide awake. UGH. Insomnia... why? why why why. blah.


I want to learn french. Yes, i do.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING. EYES WIDE OPEN... 0_0

<>

Another Episode--and more serious stOOf

Goodness sakes... last night I spent 15, if not 20, minutes lying in pain-- So agonizing, so unbearable I almost passed out. I think i did, i'm not sure. The last thing I remember was the blur of red digital numbers flashing 12:43, a loud ring in my ear and blood rushing to my head. Next thing I knew, I awoke again having only been out 2 minutes with the clock reading 12:45.. still in pain. I couldn't move an inch.. couldn't flinch because i would only inflict a sharper pierce to my stomach. Gah. Just when i thought it wasn't going to come back... i've been pain free for two and some months since last and now.. blaaahh and JUST before the start of school. UGH.. well, that... sucks. :P just.. DEAL.

______


Initiative. Responsibility. Honor. vs Silence. Apathy. Decit. Which would you rather be? A recent incident concerning a friend troubles me much for now what defines a friendship is in question. Perhaps I am too harsh. too much of a critic? I know not. But it annoys me, or more so disappoints me to see so many flaws of another that i thought one did not possess. Yes, i understand that flaws are inevitable.. in fact it is a friend's flaws that one learns to accept, love and appreciate that makes a friend that much more adorable, that much more interesting, that much more human worthy to love--however there are categories and separation of acceptable flaws and unacceptable flaws unto which frequency also accounts.
What dissappoints me is not exactly the flaw itself, for humans often slip from time to time, but the redunance of the flaw, which outcome rather inquires one's values and morales.
(to be continued... i feel sick) :[

Something queer just happened...

I was awake at 6 this morning, again... no longer able to sleep. At any rate... after driving my little sisters to school (ages 9 and 13), I came home and while sipping on my ruby red juice went online to check if an earlier course for chem2ah was avaliable

(on the side note: did i tell you how frustrated i was last night because STUPID ppl didn't drop the earlier chem2ah course until AFTER my appointed time to register?? GRRR... so now i have to wait til open hours registration.. which is tomorrow... and hopefully the earlier chem2ah will still be open). Checked my mail... and got off, did chores.. as usual.

Then suddenly, out of the blue... the phone rings. As i hurridly cleansed my soappy hands and dried them on the towel with one more ring til the answering machine picks up... I thought it must be Mar bc supposedly I was going to help her study chem today around noon.

I made my hardy journey meandering around and jumping over my packed boxes, folders, books, papers.. etc ----and with a second left, I juggled the phone in my hands and picked it up just in time.

Unexpectedly, the person on the line turned out to be--instead of Mar-- my principle from high school: Ms. Duncan! :D

How strange?? I thought. Why would she, of all ppl, call me? Was I in trouble? Was she going to revoke my top ten award? Was there trouble from one of my previous instructors??

Or Did she simply called just to say hello? hahaha.. i doubt that very much.

It turns out that a writer from the Sacramento Bee (city newspaper) had asked Ms. Ducan if he can possibly do a story on a recent HS grad that is entering Uni at Davis... and the first person she thought of was me...>>>haha<<<

Ducan wanted to give the writer my contact number but wanted to ask for my permission first--

well... tough luck.

I, of all people, rather not be featured in a public city newspaper that practically everyone in the city reads. >< No, I think not. In this situation where the writer will more than likely ask me about the scholarships/awards I received over the years, family, and friendships--practically a bio of me "in the spotlight" ---ugh.. how... sassy? hahaha.

No. i dont want glory or apraisal nor do i want pity. I hate being attention. Thanx, but maybe in the next lifetime or rather when I REALLY do something great like find a cure for a cancer persay. haha. no thanx.

So i kindly told Ms. Duncan Thanx, but no thank you... and then referred her to my very good buddy Ms. Amanda Cianchetta.

Perhaps she might be interested in being featured in the SacBee. She'd be a great candidate: top ten senior as well, plenty of awards, going to Uni at Davis, community service, etc. You know... someone that fits the typical picture as a star student featured in the Bee that wouldn't mind having her bio in the Bee. She'd be awesome as much as she is in person! :)

_________

There you have it.

I'm ... amused! :D

Schedule Change

So I changed almost my entire schedule for fall quarter:

https://sisweb.ucdavis.edu/owa_service/owa/bwskfshd.P_CrseSchd?start_date_in=10/04/2004

17 units instead of 15:

Honors Chem2a instead of regular (5)
Statistics 13 (4)
Sociology 1 (5)
World Religions (3)

grrrr....

Too funnie.

So I woke up really early this morning after 3 wee hours of sleep... and then

yonseinishida (9:33:10 AM): BLAH...my physics teacher, DR. Smith, posted a comment on the projector saying...PHYSICS IS PHUN!!

GAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! O man, i laughed so hard it made my tummy ache. how..... GROSS! LOL. TOO FUNNIE.

O how i loathe mr.smith from HS... the ap physics teacher who always say, "physics is PHUN!" goodness. how i DON'T miss that class. PheW! :D too funnie. :)

Joy to the...... _____ (no, not world. moment)

I'm moving. I'm finally MOOVING.

Thrice had my plans for moving my boxes to davis been cancelled or delayed--this i will have no more. The date is set. I'm finally moving. Next week. Friday. Thank goodness.

Lately I've been yearning change and also another feeling i did not expect... something that's off the spectrum. Those that i wanted to see before i go,that i haven't seen, i do not anymore. Not that i wont miss them but because i feel as if the globe has fallen off altas' shoulders. Pitted in a downward spiral into nothingness, time is blacken with a tar so thick it has stopped.

I do not want a frozen dessert now--there is no time (take it any which way).

My heart is telling me to hit the dusty road... let frozen particles stir again... the water is set to boil. Development is on the way. Until traces can be assured again, I do not want to look back. Do you understand this strange sense within nonsense?

_________________________

random: corpus callosum. i like that term. the way it rolls off your tongue. dont you? :]

strength

My awakening is no more than a rebirth of an archtypial, hopefully better, form of the old self. I need more. I need to remember what it is like to have the mind, body, and soul be one... i need to remember how to make fleeting emotions stay. I need to remember what the meaning of commitment and honor means. To remember what it takes to suffice.

what I need to remember is the meaning to it all. So help me please.

I'm determined. Please don't let it slip away.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL. THE WILL IS MINE.






I WILL.

I WILL.

I WILL.

THE WILL
IS
...
MINE.




believe in me.

No longer hostage

This morning, the north winds blew in for a timely visit. Something that has been forgotten is awaken again as I woke up to the smelt of green grass and the dawning sky.

It is said that where there is an end, there is a beginning; when something died in me a while past, nothing left was born. For the longest time, the vaccuum of existance haunted my soul while the mere crust of my outter physical being continued to be the only existance known to me. Hollowness is the most suffocating state and I've been that for too long.

Today, I will no longer be held hostage to my own master. I will no longer be a slave... a squandering mind. Today, I am my own pheonix--I can only hope my determination and effort will not go to waste. Thank you, whoever whatever thou may be... thank you for this awakening. :)

random

NO.


whatever it is....



NO.


"98% of the teenage population does or has tried
smoking pot. If you're not one of these people,
copy & paste this into your profile."
sooo...



NO.
______________

The Jung Personality Test.

I'm a INFP http://209.15.29.56/myersbriggs/letters.htm

...What are you?
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Getting boogie with the noogie. No, not nooKie, NOOGIE.

Greetings amor.

Sacramento is strapped to rapid chains of a roller coaster. The Kings are thinking about moving?! And so much is already in motion for change. The city is becoming more city like... there's almost no doubt that Sacramento will soon become a lesser version of New York, New York if this industrial fad keeps up. >< All the more... glOOmier. The only good thing about this is.. well.. nothing. humm.. with the exception of the public transportation (yay). Even still, i think ppl will be too egoistic to trade in their autos and soon.. there'll be too much traffic. Pedestrians, autos and public transportation. >< grrrr.

The Summer Olympics 2004 is here! is here!! Athens, Greece. :) I love the olympics and yet.. i can't believe i missed out on the opening ceremony!! So much excitment... so much.. umm... euphoria. :D I think it's awesome.

I'm having lunch with Mrs. George and Marielle today!! I suspect it to be bitter sweet for both Marielle and I will be leaving on Wednesday. Marielle to college for good and me to Southern California for a week and then when i do come back... I'll be mOOving to Davis. :D did u like how i put the "MOO" in? The college with a dairy farm? LOL. too funnie. At any rate. I'd like to take the time here to say goodbye to everyone that have touched my life in any way shape or form. Thank you for all that u have said, not said, done, not done--good and bad. As always, thank you for being the person you are. I appreciate it. Stranger, foe, friend, acquaintence, passerbyer. :) A new life is ahead of me... and i can't wait. Then again, maybe i can wait. :P

People i need to write, see, call before i move:
-NCSF advisor
-Daniel Kasey Estrada
-Erik Nishida, Seung Pak, the crew
-Mister Trevor Jackson
-Mister Thomas Beghien
-Rachel Agustos! :)
-Jen, Christina Edling, and soo many more.

If i don't call you, call me! ;) on my cell.

Adieu Adieu. A shower of soft kisses delivered e-via you, yes you. YOU O_o

:*


Sealed.

iNcubus is in town today and i cant go. blaaah. maybe next time.. maybe maybe.

---------*SIGH*----------

The shorter post

i know i haven't posting lately... i suppose i loss the energy but more importantly the time.

ucd orientation ended today. i'm glad. it sucked for the most part.

classes registered:
chem2a
statistics13
sociology1
study abroad program info seminar

total of 15 units.

most of the classes were full when i started registering... bllaaaahhhh.

i have nothing more to say.


except that
i'm utterly...




EXHAUSTED. -_-

The little things

Soo... due largely to recent events and media exposure/influence both bad/good.. i've been contemplating a lot about societal visage and image. what works, what doesn't.. so much that i cannot begin to write on the issues that surrounds it.

Some updates:

>>I can't go to the Incubus concert on Aug. 10th. I was soo bummed out.. so sad :(

>>but to make up for that... I'm going on a road trip with my sister and her bf. it'll be interesting because i've never been anywhere further than LA... and i'm going alone, the desolate one of the three..the odd woman out. it's okay. i think i'll enjoy my solitude and my fun :) i can't wait!!

which means..... for those who are leaving soon for Berkeley, AZ and elsewhere: i'd love to meet with you guys one last time before we all disperse to our merry way off to college :P Aug.7-17.. pick a day, time, and place and i'll be there ;) CALL MEEEEEEEE! I MISS YOU ALREADY! :'( (i.e. Nishida! Seung! Shannon! Marielle! everyone everyone everyone.... :P) YOU SUCK... BUT U ROCK MY WORLD ;D )

>>i'll be getting hair cut soon. :P maybe. i dont know. my mom thinks i look horrible. what can i say, I'm LOW maintanence. I hate being sissy/girlie to the point where "omg, i need to get my hair cut today.. or omg, my hair's so dry! or.. OH NO! I HAVE SPLIT ENDS.. it's the end of the worldddddddd or.... I need to go shopping nowwwww... or dude, if you can't wait til i put make up on, then.. forget you!"

HAHAHAHAHA. It always cracks me up. I'm glad i dont wear makeup.. UGH.. do u know what it feels like to have all that stuff practically CAKED onto your face?? UUGH. i'm not a doll thanx. >< And no thanx, i dont need to wear scanky clothes to feel feminine nor do i need all that so i'll have "game" nor do i need to worry about my appearance to the point where i'm obsessed with clothes and such materialistic things. I mean, come on. :P (more on this later.. i have soo much to bash about the hollywood fads and such... i mean, get a grip! deal with who u are. dont' excessively be the typical 'valley grl'.... )

being yourself and comfortable with low maintenance is all you need.. it's all dope. (om goodness.. soo that's the ghetto-est you'll see me get. DOPE! i haven't used that in suchhhh a lonnggg while! :D )

>> I hate it when ppl smoke.. UGGGHHH, get a life. YOU STINK, YOUR TEETH ARE YELLOW AND GUCKY, YOU'RE WASTING BILLIONS OF MONEY, U'RE PRACTICALLY POISONING URSELF AND MARKING DEATH ON UR FOREHEAD... THE SLOW DEATH THANX. blah. ANDDDDD... YOU'RE CREATING SECOND HAND SMOKE TO THOSE AROUND YOU... ANNDDDD IT'S ENVIRONMENTALLY HARMFUL THANX. >< one of my biggest peeves, not to say that if one smokes, then one is a bad person.. but, you could be better!! :P I've successfully convinced 3 IMPORTANT ppl in my life to stop smoking. sooo.. YOU SHOULD TO! for the sake of ur health if not others. Public smoking i think is the thing i'll hate most about college. ugh, just being on the city college campus and having to walk through FUMES of smoke is utterly GROSS. makes me wanna puke... and my stomach ulcer just kills with the smell. >< GROSS. END OF STORY.

>>Donate blood today or sometime in the near future! You'll feel great because your ONE pint of blood (and you have 5-6 pints in you.. plus your body rejuvinates the pint you lose within hours) has the potential to save THREE lives! It's a great way to give back to your community and more importantly saving lives.
---okay, so that's my 2cent pitch about blood donation. there's so much more to it that's GREAT in all aspects... but yeah.. donate blood ;) which reminds me, it's that time again... i'll be donating blood for the... 4/5th time? yesh yesh. maybe this will make up for some of the bad i've done, esp. with the incident at lollicup. argghh... >< i can never redeem myself.

>>the presidential election ... (enough said) >< our future is GRIM

>>OOKAY, Arnold, you're DUMB. Who has the nerve to say.. "just because both the democrats and republics approved 'MY' state budjet... this means California is getting outta this financial crisis hell hole.. OH, btw, this will also mean THOUSANDS OF JOB LOSSES for state workers"~!! ugh, politicians of the present make me sick. who ever voted for these ppl in office as of now (i.e. BUSH! and... ARNOLD! ... andd.....) should be ashamed. >< what is this world of liberty? coming to??? hahahah.. that's a FUNNY WORLD! DONT YOU AGREE? and PROSPERITY? ... what have the U.S. come to? BLAH.


GOOD DAY TO YOU. smile! :) BLAH.

Bystander's Apathy >< !!!!!

A cloud of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and regret suffocates me. For the many days now since the incident, I have had nothing but guilt clogging my psych... and until today, the aftermath of my nightmare where I abruptly woke with sharp pains in my stomach from stressing my ulcers, I find that my repressions of my doings finally caught up with the stanzas of poetic rinds that I’ve encased myself in to avoid extreme disappointment.

It was... Wednesday July 28th, the afternoon before our final exam in Psychology300. Phil, Seung, and I decided to study at Lollicup once again on Franklin Blvd where we sat at our usual table near the glass panes of entrance door/wall.

While intently and diligently attempting to master the bulleted topics on the Psych study guide, my eyes (as if tracing invisible wisps of thoughts in hope encountering visual cues that may help me remember) fleeted a glance outside the windowpanes. A mad rush of shock and horror stunned my entire body; eyes no longer fleeting are now starring widely at what I think is an accusation of battery and assault! Parked with its tinted back-window facing me, I see the silhouettes of a man furiously beating at whatever was in the back seat of the Lexus… another person perhaps. Other than an escape of an uttered gasp, I froze with horror painted on my visage; Seung, who’d heard me gasp kindly asked what was wrong.. and hesitantly recovering from my freeze response said… “I think someone’s getting beat up…”

A chill of tingling sensation ran down my spine. Not sure what to do, I jumped up out of my seat and started pacing to the door and abruptly paced back to my seat to rethink my next move. My superego shouted for my attention to run out there as quick as I can to see more clearly what was happening, which if it was in fact a crime would be stopped. Contrastingly, my id deafened the understatement of the degree of harm I can do to myself and the risks involved, not to mention the fact that I had not seen anything but a silhouette of one man engaging in delivering pugnacious fist punches to whatever he kept going at in the back seat.

My indecision led to the pronto actualization of my ego: under the mindset of morals and values, I cannot bear to see someone hurt and not do anything about it so I half-convinced myself to walk out there to see what was going on…

As I neared the Lexus, I see a man in his early/mid twenties sitting the passenger seat of the Lexus who saw me coming. The man, another male in his early/mid twenties with a Cubs baseball cap, who threw those aggressive punches now receded out of the back seat of the car, closed the side door, leaned into the open back window of the side door, and spoke to whatever, whoever was in the backseat—the object of his expressed anger—this I can clearly tell and this I know is true for he was not looking at the man in the passenger seat. Both the passenger and the aggressor had their heads and attention turned to the backseat. With the music inside the car at almost full blast, I couldn’t hear what the aggressor was saying but his facial expression made me think twice about walking closer to the Lexus. For a moment, he smurked and sneered and another he let out a half-hearted laugh.

I didn’t know what to think! Perhaps he was horse fighting with a friend in the backseat? Still, I did not see what or who was in the back seat… But if it was a friend who he play-fought with, why were the throws so vehement that the whole Lexus rocked with the motion of his fists???? But if it was truly an aggressive fight with intentional harm, why would the passenger sit so calmly to watch in apathy???

Ugh, I don’t know WHY but I stopped dead in my tracks, paced three steps back where I find Seung walking toward me. I spun around in time to see the aggressor walk to his car, which was facing me (a car that I did not see before because it was parked behind a line of cars perpendicular to myself and it). Since the fists stopped and the aggressor turning on his ignition to get outta there… I thought, “well maybe they were just playing and horsing,” and regretfully walked back into lollicup. Before I sat down, I saw another man, in his mid/early twenties climb into the drivers seat who came from whatever stores where lined on this strip mall ahead of Lollicup who drove away also. Seung and Phil later informed me that before the aggressor left, he did flick off whoever was in the Lexus—this I did not see… and this worried me even more.. then again, maybe it was another playful joke.

BLLAAAHHH. I hate this. I mean, what if someone was hurt? Before they left, Phil and Seung jotted down their license plate numbers…. So we contemplated whether we should call the police to inform them of this incident … another hesitation. But because there were doubts and inconclusive evidence since no one saw if anyone was truly in the back seat, we did not call. ><

I felt so incredibly bad and frustrated!!! I was so concerned and yet I did nothing. Ugh, that ruined my day.. my whole week. Having the randomness of mind, I thought of all the things that could have happened … all the possible scenarios of what really did happen or what can happen… and yet, the cons outweighed the pros. At that point, there was no forgiving in my part.

What if someone got injured? I mean, it isn’t the best part of town… what if this what if that.. what if I had the potential to save someone from harm and missed the chance… I mean, all I had to do was actually WALK UP TO THE CAR and asked if everything was alright, correct? All I had to do was walk… and ask as a friendly bystander. UGGHHH.. I HATE MYSELF. >< I hate myself for being apathetic at that moment in time… completely apathetic? No. but I was apathetic enough to NOT WALK UP TO THE CAR!! That was ALL I HAD TO DO.. and yet I let my devious ID and STUPID IRRATIONALE convince me that it PROBABLY was just another play-fight between ppl who knew each other in which case I had no business with.. UGGGH.. I HATE THIS. I HATE MYSELF.. WHYYYYYY…..

FRUSTRATED. ANGRY. SO INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



**So this is the result of my doings… a nightmare… that I woke from… about the incident. Forgiveness is not given. From who will I have forgiveness from? Ugh… I disgust myself. ><

i'm so tired :P

So there's a lot that happened in the past two days that's really bothering me.. and i should write about it but as of late, i don't have the time. i'll write maybe later. have to study.. final tomorrow.

here's another mindless quiz tania took and so i took... wt mindless conformity:P

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and
clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest
and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves
freedom. Rebellious when
restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and
easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but thoes
not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves
making friends but rarely
shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing
dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to
learn to show emotions


What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

One last thing...

How can i ever forget!!??

The Delta Aquarids Meteor Shower: July 27th-31st
>>>From N. America, look south of the constellation Aquarius

more info: http://skyandtelescope.com/observing/skychart/article_1220_1.asp#

enjoy bc i will!

I miss...

playing the drums~! :( bauta boom bauta bang... *sigh*

Afloat

yay! summer school will be officially over in THREE DAYS! no more english 1c and no more psyc300 at city college. i can't wait to move out to davis in a month! UCDavis is awesome possum :] a small college town, trees, parks, farmer's market, the Mondavi center of arts! and pools. what serenity it will be as long as i make it to be. bleh. :)

i wonder if i'm walking down the right path... my love for art left for the better days of leisure and my curosity for pathology transfixed to an undeclared bio sci major. time will tell. time will tell.

patience.

autumn will come :) i love autumn.

self reminders:
-NCSF advisor letter
-chem/calc.. orientation (3rd-6th)
-health insurance app waiver (1st)
-lunch with linda (30th)
-coffee with jeff (31st/1st/2nd?)
-brian bak from japan! (30th)
-pick up black violin & hundred yrs (30th)
-INCUBUS AUGUST 10TH... :( tickets.. tickets.. tickets if i can afford them! uggghhhh... incubusssssssss
-aug 13-15th: native american powwow!! o'neil park
-Red Cross volunteer (aug.)
-Bloodsource.. donate blood (soon. 7th?)
-Great America? :) all that adrenaline! :D
-State Fair Art Exhibit (aug-sept)
-bills bills bills... verizon (next week)

what am i forgettting?

oo yes

-BREATHE! ;) lol. *sigh*

Tea leaves...
dried
brittle
it's aroma..
awakens me anew
...
o how i love tea... my comfort drink/food. nothing more.. nothing less. plain tea. :]

AUGUST... HERE I COMEEEEEEEE! :)

Quizzes.. the less of my amusements but definately amusing :D

How to make a n0rmallystrange

Ingredients: 5 parts friendliness 1 part ambition 5 parts leadership

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little wisdom if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Element of Wind Part II

kaY8686: ur more free then u think u r
n0rmaLLy Strange: so what is new with u?
kaY8686: accept the fact that u cant change life, but u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: thank you. i do know that. i tend to stay clear of it tho.
kaY8686: there is freedom in the things we do
kaY8686: we are free
kaY8686: u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes but there are obligations we tether ourselves to
n0rmaLLy Strange: without thinking about it
kaY8686: we arent slaves to our own will
kaY8686: our will is what determines our freedom
kaY8686: if we are our own masters, we are in a sense free
n0rmaLLy Strange: indeed but what we can't go on a rampage
n0rmaLLy Strange: there will be chaos
kaY8686: no there wont
n0rmaLLy Strange: for we need to be considerate of others
kaY8686: don't let society place things on ur head
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know that.
kaY8686: because if we are our own slaves and masters, we know whats right and wrong
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm talking fundamentally.
kaY8686: im talking realistically
kaY8686:
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i sense that we're on the same page but going a different rates.
kaY8686: look on the bright side
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes. i am the oxymoron.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm more optimisitc than u think
n0rmaLLy Strange: actually.. i believe that i am more optimistic than most ppl
kaY8686: aren't we pridefull
kaY8686: hahah j/k
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: i said j/K!
n0rmaLLy Strange: i just dont think ppl see me as who i really am.
kaY8686: so ur happy?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: nor am i content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am hopeful
n0rmaLLy Strange: and willful
n0rmaLLy Strange: determined but agitated.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.. therefore ur optomistic?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: ....
kaY8686: hope is meaningless
n0rmaLLy Strange: it is meaningful
kaY8686: because those that hope
kaY8686: arent content
kaY8686: if ur content.. u dont need hope
kaY8686: which would make it useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: not necessarily.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.... because ur not content
n0rmaLLy Strange: depends on how u define hope.
kaY8686: hopeful is like, there is a light at the end of this dark and dreerly tunnel
kaY8686: we hope for better days
kaY8686: we hope for happier times
kaY8686: we hope to be content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i said i am not content. therefore not hopeful but when i am content, i need not hope
n0rmaLLy Strange: hope is my drive
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least for the time being
kaY8686: u know what.....
kaY8686: hope!
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
kaY8686: hope lost meaning
n0rmaLLy Strange: it has not with me
kaY8686: i cant read it correctly anymore
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least not yet
kaY8686: no. i mean grammitically
kaY8686: hahahaha
kaY8686: it lose meaning in the grammatical sense
n0rmaLLy Strange: without my hope i do not live



perhaps this is why they call me a dreamer. a realist but an idealist.
such an oxymoron. i am SUCH a moron. ><

Element of wind... Part I

happiness is a feeling of joy and excitement but what constitutes happiness? is it money? is it love? is it life?

i do not want to be happy for happiness is ephermeral. captivating and succulent but nonetheless deceiving. content is the word. content is what i want to feel.

i finished Snow:] and i apologize in advance that my blog will not be as spectacular as some may have expected. Snow has, however, left me thought-filled. the book is thoughtful.. well planned. disturbing yet serene. it is beautiful. thank you for telling me to read it. :)

may i write more on it later. time will tell as time will tell most things.

**someone once told me i am the element of wind. i must say i agree.. however now, i am nothing but wind.

a rose petal on the ground, i am... the wind has yet to caress me so i can ride weightless with the wind and earth. or is it that i, as wind, have not prompt action? perhaps this will help aid you in what i feel:

kaY8686: both sn's today again? what's wrong?
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. nothing is wrronng wrong just feeling bleh
n0rmaLLy Strange: ionno.. a lot of stuff happened lately
n0rmaLLy Strange: but what not
n0rmaLLy Strange: how are u?
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: im good!
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of progress today
n0rmaLLy Strange: good! been up to naything?
n0rmaLLy Strange: reallie?
n0rmaLLy Strange: on the fone?
kaY8686: uhh ya ok
kaY8686: im at his place again
n0rmaLLy Strange: ? huh?
n0rmaLLy Strange: care to elaborate a littl emore?
kaY8686: not really...
kaY8686: its not important
kaY8686: but ya
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of... progress!
kaY8686: and i am happy
kaY8686: unless he is sad again tomrorow
kaY8686: which is his usual trend
kaY8686: but. im hoping
kaY8686: that we can fix this found problem now
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-) that's great to hear
n0rmaLLy Strange: but why will he be sad?
kaY8686: long story
kaY8686: that would involve personal infringement
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. okay.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no need then
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm glad for u
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy for ur brother. good job sung
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: i didnt do anything
n0rmaLLy Strange: u made progress
kaY8686: i just talked to him
n0rmaLLy Strange: exactly
n0rmaLLy Strange: good job
kaY8686: and he made his own progress
kaY8686: so.. im going to talk to u
kaY8686: and we can make some progress!
kaY8686: so u can feel good about life
kaY8686: and so u can wake up happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: hahaha
kaY8686: so ms. chi
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont want to be happy. i just want to be content.
kaY8686: o.. me and my brother called this neutrality
kaY8686: i like content more....
kaY8686: see... i gave up on making him happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy carries far more energy and is less likely to linger
kaY8686: i started to make him understand
kaY8686: to understand why he feels the way he does
n0rmaLLy Strange: yeah
kaY8686: which is better
kaY8686: so..
n0rmaLLy Strange: that's my goal. to be content.
kaY8686: i want u to understand
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.. thanx sung
kaY8686: do u want to be?
kaY8686: do u WANT to be content
kaY8686: think about it
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do. i do. i really do.. however... time will tell
kaY8686: r u making urself feel sad?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i cna't force it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u just lonely?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u overwhelmed?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes and no.
kaY8686: do u have a vague idea of what it could be?
kaY8686: umm.. does that mean no?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: o ok
kaY8686: haha
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.. it means yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do have an idea
kaY8686: wait.. what?
kaY8686: oo ok
n0rmaLLy Strange: maybe even a clear idea.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know what prompt it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know why i'm agitated
kaY8686: what? or who?
n0rmaLLy Strange: but i dont know the answer.
kaY8686: is it what someone did?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: was it me?!
n0rmaLLy Strange: no
n0rmaLLy Strange: it's more of a family feud/misunderstanding type of thing. more or less cultural clashes and generation differences and gender discrimination
n0rmaLLy Strange: social injustice
n0rmaLLy Strange: there's a war that lies between persons as well as within onself
n0rmaLLy Strange: *oneself
kaY8686: yes there is
n0rmaLLy Strange: that is all i am consumed by.. and yet, i have no answer.
kaY8686: but why r u letting that side that hurts u win?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont ever think i will reach an answer.
kaY8686: give the other side some more ammo!
n0rmaLLy Strange: what hurts me? what hurts me not?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do not know.
n0rmaLLy Strange: all that i do know is i am bombarded with frustration and agitation.
n0rmaLLy Strange: nonetheless, i am calm
n0rmaLLy Strange: but my mind is furiously racing with thoughts
kaY8686: yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: there is nothing i can do.
kaY8686: one day, ur patients will hurt u
kaY8686: why do u have to be patient?
kaY8686: just do somethng
n0rmaLLy Strange: it does not make me content nor will it bring me happiness.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've done quite a lot.
n0rmaLLy Strange: my actions are quite useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: they are what gets me into more trouble
n0rmaLLy Strange: for i am not the only one in this war
n0rmaLLy Strange: not the only mind that contributes to the battle grounds
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not a lone star.. but a part of a larger system
n0rmaLLy Strange: a speckle of dust
n0rmaLLy Strange: holding no weight
n0rmaLLy Strange: no ground
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've come to accept my fate. though i do not believe in fate.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've accepted my status and is beginning to understand that what i do is little and what i do will hurt more than help. i will need to be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: fire is a dangerous element to play with
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will let time wash it.. the wind to dry it.. and the earth to seed my thoughts into theirs
n0rmaLLy Strange: i can only wait...

There is so much...

I want to say.. so much i want to write but everytime i pick up my pen.. or sit in front of this lonely screen, i can't. my thoughts, gnarled, twisted, intertwined... difficult to sound coherent.

cultural wars
generation clashes
parenting vs achieving independence
gender injustice
double standards
balance between respect and opinonated responses

someone help me.. i think i'm falling apart. :[

Nostalgia

Once again, while clearing out my files... a picture i took as a model for an art project:


Demonic.. don't you think? >< i was so proud of myself. i looked evil!

Passing time

i've successfully inflicted physical fatigue to help drone out some mental agitation... but i'm hardly tired. i'm still awake... poofy eyed, aching, and contemplating. my goal for 1am is useless and irrelevant. here's a random doodle i did, unfinished:


random sketch: child asleep, half self portrait, what should i add? the hand can easily morph into an aligator./... trees?


it's official. i'm sick, too. :'(

imperfection of a perfectionist

ugh, i feel like there are a million ants gnawing away my stomach right now. i hate stomach ulcers.. and i hate feeling like this when i'm anxious or nervous.

why am i even stressing over it? im taking a break from my o so very long research paper for psych even though its due in 3 hrs and counting. >< why am i so worried? a worry bug i am, indeed. i have an a, i dont need to do "well" on this project to get an a, so why am i trucking myself over this? why?

self inflicted whys are of great annoyance now. what to do? what to do?

i'm so indecisive.. sooooooo not cool! a imperfection of a perfectionist. that just kills!!!

am i the only one like this? UGH.. i think this'll make my sickness worse. BLAH.

back to work.

deadlines and cognition filled with snippets of songs

I guess i'm FOUR hours shy of the deadline though I did mean to put this up earlier but:

HAPPY 20TH BDAY, STEVEN!
and
HAPPY 19TH BDAY, TREVOR JACKSON!

:)


speaking of deadlines, i have one in approximately 8 hours.. if that! to complete a psychology research paper on the bi/monocular cues, gestalt principles, and theories on visual perception.. hahahahaha. not going well, i might add. I'm on my third page and i'm still in the intro. heeelllppp ><


WHY? why am i so whiny? :P need to stop being whiny. odd, i'm not whiny in person. Oo, blog. my sacrage/outlet, i thank it. :) blah blah blah.


annnddd i didn't keep to my proposal to sleep by 1am because of obligations.
*sigh* maybe tomorrow. mayBE. maybe... mayyyyybe (enter: tune from a SuperLotto commerial.. HAHAHA, WHAT A NERD).

snap back to reality... (eminem) and there she goes (dancing queen).... back to work. ><

Goal

I think i'll really try to force myself to sleep from now on. my bedtime should be and now will be 1:00am. :) and if I achieve that, maybe i can get it up to 12am or 11pm. :P It's 3:30am... I should start practicing, wish me luck. ><

GOODNIGHt. Swtest dreams!