while lying on my bed with headphones emitting music to drown me... hopefully to sleep, my whole life flashed before my eyes... before i knew it, i was imagining how my future would be like.
funny to say because i havne't been able to envision a future for myself until last night. but still, the future i envisioned was so surreal. i imagined how elated i'd feel if graduated.. had a job.. moved out.. somewhere... i was content.. but the whole seen changed as i tried for medical school. then reality hit. what am i doing now to help me get there? nothhing. absolutely nothing.
what if i died before i was able to graduate? say... i developed malignant melanoma... say... i was intensively iron deficiently anemic... or my ulcers finally bleed out my heart. what then? my spirit dies... my body dies... and i will return to this lofty earth... belonging once again as a child of the world.. of earth. every element returned to its natural state. somehow this gives me comfort.
fear. what is it? fear of death.. no. fear of the living? perhaps.. im tired. let me rest my eyes... perhaps they'll never open again? -_-
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
The Lodge of Hopeful Vissicitudes
last night, i had the urge to write to unclog my mind so i took a pen and a nakpin and started to freewrite... unedited:
my metamophosis
The Amy ten years ago has died. Although we are essentially the same person of the same skin and mind, our perception and ideals, goals, and values are building an edifice of continuous change. With every step and every adobe stone cemented, every pipe and wire connected, the image of the edifice changes. The motivation, inspiration and determination which I had so many years ago have disappeared. No longer do I have these three things defined that are necessary for my survival and success; their mutated selves have not fully formed fruit yet. I feel lost. I need to find me again in these three terms; perhaps when I find what can motivate me now, inspires me now… I can find the determination and my will to follow through my goals and aspirations. Virtuous of words and honor… I will try my best to seek what earths me in the present day and take voyage to my future and homage to what I was years ago. Thank goodness I am still who I am but of one who has morphed.
my metamophosis
The Amy ten years ago has died. Although we are essentially the same person of the same skin and mind, our perception and ideals, goals, and values are building an edifice of continuous change. With every step and every adobe stone cemented, every pipe and wire connected, the image of the edifice changes. The motivation, inspiration and determination which I had so many years ago have disappeared. No longer do I have these three things defined that are necessary for my survival and success; their mutated selves have not fully formed fruit yet. I feel lost. I need to find me again in these three terms; perhaps when I find what can motivate me now, inspires me now… I can find the determination and my will to follow through my goals and aspirations. Virtuous of words and honor… I will try my best to seek what earths me in the present day and take voyage to my future and homage to what I was years ago. Thank goodness I am still who I am but of one who has morphed.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Starring into the eyes of a stranger, I think, who is she? Perplexed, the only thing i can do is surmise about the quick tempered, cynical, and naive flesh of glass she is. Animosity impregnates the air of the room; suffocation lacks only an ounce more before damage is done. She's deceiving... too disgusting to taste... toxic to everything around her. I ask, "who are you?" She responds with a hissing mock of my words, spitting venom while she does so, "who are you?"
Monday, August 01, 2005
The Search
n0rmally strange (1:52:35 AM): hey
kaY8686 (1:52:43 AM): wth
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): uhhhmmm okay
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): nvm
n0rmally strange (1:52:53 AM): goodntie
kaY8686 (1:52:54 AM): go to bed!
kaY8686 (1:52:56 AM): wait!
kaY8686 (1:52:57 AM): come back
n0rmally strange (1:52:59 AM): ...
kaY8686 (1:53:01 AM): hey!
kaY8686 (1:53:03 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:53:04 AM): ...
n0rmally strange (1:53:07 AM): lets not
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): =(
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): o
kaY8686 (1:53:11 AM): k
kaY8686 (1:53:12 AM): gnite
n0rmally strange (1:53:15 AM): ur weird
n0rmally strange (1:53:26 AM): and ur probably playing games rite now
kaY8686 (1:53:34 AM): why'd you say nvm?
n0rmally strange (1:53:37 AM): i dont wanna divert ur attention.
kaY8686 (1:53:41 AM): ..
kaY8686 (1:53:42 AM): umm
n0rmally strange (1:53:48 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:53:49 AM): are you ok?
n0rmally strange (1:53:52 AM): yes
kaY8686 (1:53:56 AM): are you mad/
n0rmally strange (1:54:14 AM): i sound like a mother telling a kid to go frolic in the land of digital fantasy
n0rmally strange (1:54:27 AM): no. im not mad but i've thought things thru lately
n0rmally strange (1:54:38 AM): but nonetheless
kaY8686 (1:54:41 AM): what things?
n0rmally strange (1:54:44 AM): everything
n0rmally strange (1:54:58 AM): ive come to a conclusion about my future
n0rmally strange (1:55:06 AM): at least... part of it
n0rmally strange (1:55:15 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:55:21 AM): are you making some kind of huge life changing discision?
kaY8686 (1:55:24 AM): i wanna know now
n0rmally strange (1:55:27 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:55:28 AM): uhhh
kaY8686 (1:55:29 AM): you can't just say that, and not talk abou tit
n0rmally strange (1:55:38 AM): well.. its not HUGE
n0rmally strange (1:55:41 AM): at least
n0rmally strange (1:55:42 AM): not yet
n0rmally strange (1:55:55 AM): i hope it comes true tho
n0rmally strange (1:56:01 AM): of course it'll take yrs
n0rmally strange (1:56:05 AM): before i get there
kaY8686 (1:56:13 AM): umm
kaY8686 (1:56:31 AM): is there a reason why you can't say what it is?
n0rmally strange (1:56:32 AM): but i plan to do what imdoing now
n0rmally strange (1:56:39 AM): no
n0rmally strange (1:56:45 AM): its nothing big
n0rmally strange (1:56:47 AM): or different
n0rmally strange (1:56:55 AM): i've said it before
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): stop calling it, "it"
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): what is "it"?
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): hope what comes true?!
n0rmally strange (1:56:59 AM): that i wanna travel
kaY8686 (1:57:03 AM): o
n0rmally strange (1:57:11 AM): but.. as soon as i finish up school
n0rmally strange (1:57:15 AM): im going to leave
n0rmally strange (1:57:18 AM): no one can stop me
n0rmally strange (1:57:23 AM): at least, i hope not
n0rmally strange (1:57:33 AM): i dont belong
n0rmally strange (1:57:36 AM): here at least
n0rmally strange (1:57:45 AM): or maybe i dont belong anywhere
n0rmally strange (1:57:54 AM): maybe thats why i need to go
n0rmally strange (1:57:56 AM): places
n0rmally strange (1:58:00 AM): and find things out for myself.
n0rmally strange (1:58:05 AM): maybe i'll never settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:11 AM): i can't settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:22 AM): it was never possible for me
n0rmally strange (1:58:25 AM): and never will be
n0rmally strange (1:58:40 AM): im forever changing... and i dont see myself anywhere
kaY8686 (1:58:42 AM): did you just come to this discision?
n0rmally strange (1:58:51 AM): no. i've thought bout it for a long time now
n0rmally strange (1:59:17 AM): but now im hoping it'll come true
n0rmally strange (1:59:22 AM): that i'll be able to make it all happen
kaY8686 (1:59:26 AM): so, wheres the first place you plan on going to?
n0rmally strange (1:59:32 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (1:59:43 AM): it'll be a few yrs
n0rmally strange (1:59:47 AM): a few yrs to decide
kaY8686 (1:59:47 AM): and why can't you do it now?
n0rmally strange (1:59:53 AM): haha.. money
n0rmally strange (1:59:57 AM): i need to earn it first
n0rmally strange (2:00:06 AM): so imma find a job
n0rmally strange (2:00:12 AM): do well in school (i hope)
n0rmally strange (2:00:16 AM): just gotta focus
kaY8686 (2:00:17 AM): so, after school you're going to make money and save up and go traveling around the world like a nomad?
n0rmally strange (2:00:25 AM): lol.
n0rmally strange (2:00:28 AM): uhhh
n0rmally strange (2:00:39 AM): sure if you wanna put it that way
n0rmally strange (2:00:53 AM): but i was planning on making and saving up some now
kaY8686 (2:01:01 AM): but won't you be temporarily settling in each new location to make money
kaY8686 (2:01:04 AM): before you can move on again?
n0rmally strange (2:01:10 AM): yeah
kaY8686 (2:01:32 AM): so... the point of a degree would be?
n0rmally strange (2:01:41 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): as long as it take
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): s
n0rmally strange (2:02:04 AM): and maybe somehow i'll be able to find a place
n0rmally strange (2:02:11 AM): that i can settle down and be content with
n0rmally strange (2:02:26 AM): a reason somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:02:37 AM): someone.. something.. some place... some idea
n0rmally strange (2:02:39 AM): ionno
n0rmally strange (2:02:40 AM): something
n0rmally strange (2:02:52 AM): its out there
n0rmally strange (2:02:55 AM): somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:03:06 AM): and imma find it. at least i'll die trying.
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): you make it sound as if you'll be searching for your reason for life
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): but at the same time
kaY8686 (2:03:30 AM): you make it sound like the search is the reason
kaY8686 (2:03:41 AM): are you leaving to find your life's purpose?
kaY8686 (2:04:31 AM): or is the process of leaving the purpose?
n0rmally strange (2:05:40 AM): both i guess
n0rmally strange (2:05:42 AM): i dotn reallie know
n0rmally strange (2:05:52 AM): i dont think that there's much purpose to life
n0rmally strange (2:06:04 AM): i wanna find something that's worth staying for
n0rmally strange (2:06:34 AM): does that make sense?
kaY8686 (2:06:37 AM): yes
kaY8686 (1:52:43 AM): wth
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): uhhhmmm okay
n0rmally strange (1:52:52 AM): nvm
n0rmally strange (1:52:53 AM): goodntie
kaY8686 (1:52:54 AM): go to bed!
kaY8686 (1:52:56 AM): wait!
kaY8686 (1:52:57 AM): come back
n0rmally strange (1:52:59 AM): ...
kaY8686 (1:53:01 AM): hey!
kaY8686 (1:53:03 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:53:04 AM): ...
n0rmally strange (1:53:07 AM): lets not
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): =(
kaY8686 (1:53:10 AM): o
kaY8686 (1:53:11 AM): k
kaY8686 (1:53:12 AM): gnite
n0rmally strange (1:53:15 AM): ur weird
n0rmally strange (1:53:26 AM): and ur probably playing games rite now
kaY8686 (1:53:34 AM): why'd you say nvm?
n0rmally strange (1:53:37 AM): i dont wanna divert ur attention.
kaY8686 (1:53:41 AM): ..
kaY8686 (1:53:42 AM): umm
n0rmally strange (1:53:48 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:53:49 AM): are you ok?
n0rmally strange (1:53:52 AM): yes
kaY8686 (1:53:56 AM): are you mad/
n0rmally strange (1:54:14 AM): i sound like a mother telling a kid to go frolic in the land of digital fantasy
n0rmally strange (1:54:27 AM): no. im not mad but i've thought things thru lately
n0rmally strange (1:54:38 AM): but nonetheless
kaY8686 (1:54:41 AM): what things?
n0rmally strange (1:54:44 AM): everything
n0rmally strange (1:54:58 AM): ive come to a conclusion about my future
n0rmally strange (1:55:06 AM): at least... part of it
n0rmally strange (1:55:15 AM): go play
kaY8686 (1:55:21 AM): are you making some kind of huge life changing discision?
kaY8686 (1:55:24 AM): i wanna know now
n0rmally strange (1:55:27 AM): haha
n0rmally strange (1:55:28 AM): uhhh
kaY8686 (1:55:29 AM): you can't just say that, and not talk abou tit
n0rmally strange (1:55:38 AM): well.. its not HUGE
n0rmally strange (1:55:41 AM): at least
n0rmally strange (1:55:42 AM): not yet
n0rmally strange (1:55:55 AM): i hope it comes true tho
n0rmally strange (1:56:01 AM): of course it'll take yrs
n0rmally strange (1:56:05 AM): before i get there
kaY8686 (1:56:13 AM): umm
kaY8686 (1:56:31 AM): is there a reason why you can't say what it is?
n0rmally strange (1:56:32 AM): but i plan to do what imdoing now
n0rmally strange (1:56:39 AM): no
n0rmally strange (1:56:45 AM): its nothing big
n0rmally strange (1:56:47 AM): or different
n0rmally strange (1:56:55 AM): i've said it before
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): stop calling it, "it"
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): what is "it"?
kaY8686 (1:56:58 AM): hope what comes true?!
n0rmally strange (1:56:59 AM): that i wanna travel
kaY8686 (1:57:03 AM): o
n0rmally strange (1:57:11 AM): but.. as soon as i finish up school
n0rmally strange (1:57:15 AM): im going to leave
n0rmally strange (1:57:18 AM): no one can stop me
n0rmally strange (1:57:23 AM): at least, i hope not
n0rmally strange (1:57:33 AM): i dont belong
n0rmally strange (1:57:36 AM): here at least
n0rmally strange (1:57:45 AM): or maybe i dont belong anywhere
n0rmally strange (1:57:54 AM): maybe thats why i need to go
n0rmally strange (1:57:56 AM): places
n0rmally strange (1:58:00 AM): and find things out for myself.
n0rmally strange (1:58:05 AM): maybe i'll never settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:11 AM): i can't settle
n0rmally strange (1:58:22 AM): it was never possible for me
n0rmally strange (1:58:25 AM): and never will be
n0rmally strange (1:58:40 AM): im forever changing... and i dont see myself anywhere
kaY8686 (1:58:42 AM): did you just come to this discision?
n0rmally strange (1:58:51 AM): no. i've thought bout it for a long time now
n0rmally strange (1:59:17 AM): but now im hoping it'll come true
n0rmally strange (1:59:22 AM): that i'll be able to make it all happen
kaY8686 (1:59:26 AM): so, wheres the first place you plan on going to?
n0rmally strange (1:59:32 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (1:59:43 AM): it'll be a few yrs
n0rmally strange (1:59:47 AM): a few yrs to decide
kaY8686 (1:59:47 AM): and why can't you do it now?
n0rmally strange (1:59:53 AM): haha.. money
n0rmally strange (1:59:57 AM): i need to earn it first
n0rmally strange (2:00:06 AM): so imma find a job
n0rmally strange (2:00:12 AM): do well in school (i hope)
n0rmally strange (2:00:16 AM): just gotta focus
kaY8686 (2:00:17 AM): so, after school you're going to make money and save up and go traveling around the world like a nomad?
n0rmally strange (2:00:25 AM): lol.
n0rmally strange (2:00:28 AM): uhhh
n0rmally strange (2:00:39 AM): sure if you wanna put it that way
n0rmally strange (2:00:53 AM): but i was planning on making and saving up some now
kaY8686 (2:01:01 AM): but won't you be temporarily settling in each new location to make money
kaY8686 (2:01:04 AM): before you can move on again?
n0rmally strange (2:01:10 AM): yeah
kaY8686 (2:01:32 AM): so... the point of a degree would be?
n0rmally strange (2:01:41 AM): i dont know
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): as long as it take
n0rmally strange (2:01:46 AM): s
n0rmally strange (2:02:04 AM): and maybe somehow i'll be able to find a place
n0rmally strange (2:02:11 AM): that i can settle down and be content with
n0rmally strange (2:02:26 AM): a reason somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:02:37 AM): someone.. something.. some place... some idea
n0rmally strange (2:02:39 AM): ionno
n0rmally strange (2:02:40 AM): something
n0rmally strange (2:02:52 AM): its out there
n0rmally strange (2:02:55 AM): somewhere
n0rmally strange (2:03:06 AM): and imma find it. at least i'll die trying.
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): you make it sound as if you'll be searching for your reason for life
kaY8686 (2:03:24 AM): but at the same time
kaY8686 (2:03:30 AM): you make it sound like the search is the reason
kaY8686 (2:03:41 AM): are you leaving to find your life's purpose?
kaY8686 (2:04:31 AM): or is the process of leaving the purpose?
n0rmally strange (2:05:40 AM): both i guess
n0rmally strange (2:05:42 AM): i dotn reallie know
n0rmally strange (2:05:52 AM): i dont think that there's much purpose to life
n0rmally strange (2:06:04 AM): i wanna find something that's worth staying for
n0rmally strange (2:06:34 AM): does that make sense?
kaY8686 (2:06:37 AM): yes
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Misunderstandings... SUCK CRAPOY
Is it silly to cry if a friend misunderstood you and took you for a hot headed fool when all you were attempting to do was make a genuine apology with a bit of sarcasm to lighten up whatever temperament residue was left from a previously lashing statement?
I wont let it bother my conscience, so here it goes:
Dear friend:
I’m sorry if i was "prying" into your business. I was only trying to be a friend. Perhaps i thought my persistence will break you; I would like to think I only do that under certain circumstances with certain persons who I believe is comfortable with me and who would tolerate, understand the concerns I have with his/her life. I only wanted to be there to share whatever it is that wretches your mind, heart, and soul.. whatever it is that brings you a smile, laugh, cry, vent.
And whatever it means to say I'm sorry, I am. But knowing me, my sarcasm naturally found its way into my initial apology... a genuine apology at that. I guess that made you even more furious cause apparently, you took it offensively. I can't help who I am. I’m sorry if my sense of humor doesn't suit your two cents. I thought you should know that by now and that I won't say sorry unless I truly mean it, esp. if i said it to you cause you tend to make my blood boil the easiest--and what the hell does that mean? well, it means a big deal because i know my tolerance level is pretty damn high. Anyway, i'm tired of being misunderstood by you. I'm just trying to be reasonable here.. and maybe I'm making a fool of myself again cause u'll probably take this as another offense... but i'm telling you again, this time.. with no sarcastic remarks and of no teeth... I'm sorry.
If you can't take that, then I don't know if i should even try anymore. Goodnite.
I wont let it bother my conscience, so here it goes:
Dear friend:
I’m sorry if i was "prying" into your business. I was only trying to be a friend. Perhaps i thought my persistence will break you; I would like to think I only do that under certain circumstances with certain persons who I believe is comfortable with me and who would tolerate, understand the concerns I have with his/her life. I only wanted to be there to share whatever it is that wretches your mind, heart, and soul.. whatever it is that brings you a smile, laugh, cry, vent.
And whatever it means to say I'm sorry, I am. But knowing me, my sarcasm naturally found its way into my initial apology... a genuine apology at that. I guess that made you even more furious cause apparently, you took it offensively. I can't help who I am. I’m sorry if my sense of humor doesn't suit your two cents. I thought you should know that by now and that I won't say sorry unless I truly mean it, esp. if i said it to you cause you tend to make my blood boil the easiest--and what the hell does that mean? well, it means a big deal because i know my tolerance level is pretty damn high. Anyway, i'm tired of being misunderstood by you. I'm just trying to be reasonable here.. and maybe I'm making a fool of myself again cause u'll probably take this as another offense... but i'm telling you again, this time.. with no sarcastic remarks and of no teeth... I'm sorry.
If you can't take that, then I don't know if i should even try anymore. Goodnite.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Unearthing...
Would it be disturbing to feel a loss of something when you failed to seek to gain it because you were too afraid of the aftermath?
YEAHHHHHh.. very well.
It may be I never willed it, perhaps even understood it.. it being what truely earths me. What is it?
THE AMBIGUITY IS DISGUSTINGLY FARCE... the raging paradox strips me down, not to my sinews but to my bones! GAH.
It is to my understanding that I made my history almost untracable by the potent people I used to imagine to be my acquaintences... is that wrong? *Sigh*
okay... i am incoherent, am i not?
indeed. maybe my mind will clear a bit soon. i dont know.
YEAHHHHHh.. very well.
It may be I never willed it, perhaps even understood it.. it being what truely earths me. What is it?
THE AMBIGUITY IS DISGUSTINGLY FARCE... the raging paradox strips me down, not to my sinews but to my bones! GAH.
It is to my understanding that I made my history almost untracable by the potent people I used to imagine to be my acquaintences... is that wrong? *Sigh*
okay... i am incoherent, am i not?
indeed. maybe my mind will clear a bit soon. i dont know.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Tributes to the OLDschoolers of my.. umm, time?
n0rmally strange (10:33:57 PM): kevin bauer... i love you!! :) have a goodnite. swt dreams. thanx for being a buddiiO! :)
Rust359 (10:34:05 PM): aWWWWW
Rust359 (10:34:16 PM): well i love u too amy, u have a good nite!!
Rust359 (10:34:17 PM): :)
n0rmally strange (10:34:28 PM): seriously tho. ur awesome. lol. yay.. hahaha. u better! jk
n0rmally strange (10:34:30 PM): ttyl dood
Rust359 (10:34:47 PM): i'm glad u think so
n0rmally strange (10:34:57 PM): lol. goodnite
Rust359 (10:35:01 PM): nite
I feel absolutely grateful for the friends i've made and friendships that i've grown so accustom to. I'm nostalgic about Sacramento and the friends i left behind. Life has been tough lately and to have the little things remind you that everything will be okay and friends to reassure you is a lot to make me smile.
Kevin Bauer, you're one of a guy. Thank you for being so sweet and being such a buddy. I seriously dont know how college would have been if i didn't have classes with you. I love you! SEriously... i'm reallie happy our friendship has grown and blossomed. i think it came a long ways and is quite something, which i honestly never surmised. thank you x a million!! you brighten up day just being you... and thank you for noticing the little things like my blog and my profile or extreme little things like my art quotient zine in the las vegas smithsonian.. i didn't think anyone would really care to read and/or comment about things like these but you certainly do; thanx for being a true caring friend. i love you, and i didn't ever think i'd say that in the past.. but i do. i seriously do love you for who u are. :) thanx dood!! keepin it real and down to earth is what you're all about and i dig it, big time! haha ;)
Jeff Gonzales: how do i even begin? wow. seeing you today for the first time in two years was aWEee and THEN some! i love how u'd always make me laugh and feel soo comfortable being the fool i am. it was great hangin with you and michimi again.
Michelle, you too are pretty damn sweet. i miss seeing you everyday. i rarely see you around school, and that sucks big time!
Jennifer Parsons.. oh jen. i can run to you and cry my eyes out or run to u and laugh as hard as i can and be the biggest fool on earth without hesitance. You are one of a kind and i thank you for always being there.. u ROCK MY SOCKS and make me want to la la! :D
Marielle: wow... you are totally like a sister who knows me well. thankyou for taking the time to call me every once in a while. and every time i see/talk to you.. its like.. we never even stopped before. i love how u make me feel like it was yesterday when we first hit it off in mrs. george's hnrs art class. i LOVE you to death!
Kasey Estrada: how i love you so~! what a peculiar kind of love that's forever been there and will always continue to be there. i miss you... a lot!
Sung Kang: you... you... you make me melt away. i can be rambling on and on and you wouldn't give a damn but listen to everything i've got to say.. not only that but you always seem to have the right things to say to me. there's this comfort i get from you that makes me feel all cozy inside. i love the aura i get from you.
Trevor Jackson: u're an odd one... a very intelligent and provocative person who isn't afraid to speak ur mind. whenever i want to purify myself with honesty and truth .. i go to you. u're my stamina for keeping it raw and true.
There are more of you... but for now, let's keep it at that because i'm soo extremely EXHAUSTED! there's a pile of junk labs that i have to keep up with..ha.... ha.. haha. haha. ha.HA! :) blah... more tributes to come when i have the time to reflect.
Rust359 (10:34:05 PM): aWWWWW
Rust359 (10:34:16 PM): well i love u too amy, u have a good nite!!
Rust359 (10:34:17 PM): :)
n0rmally strange (10:34:28 PM): seriously tho. ur awesome. lol. yay.. hahaha. u better! jk
n0rmally strange (10:34:30 PM): ttyl dood
Rust359 (10:34:47 PM): i'm glad u think so
n0rmally strange (10:34:57 PM): lol. goodnite
Rust359 (10:35:01 PM): nite
I feel absolutely grateful for the friends i've made and friendships that i've grown so accustom to. I'm nostalgic about Sacramento and the friends i left behind. Life has been tough lately and to have the little things remind you that everything will be okay and friends to reassure you is a lot to make me smile.
Kevin Bauer, you're one of a guy. Thank you for being so sweet and being such a buddy. I seriously dont know how college would have been if i didn't have classes with you. I love you! SEriously... i'm reallie happy our friendship has grown and blossomed. i think it came a long ways and is quite something, which i honestly never surmised. thank you x a million!! you brighten up day just being you... and thank you for noticing the little things like my blog and my profile or extreme little things like my art quotient zine in the las vegas smithsonian.. i didn't think anyone would really care to read and/or comment about things like these but you certainly do; thanx for being a true caring friend. i love you, and i didn't ever think i'd say that in the past.. but i do. i seriously do love you for who u are. :) thanx dood!! keepin it real and down to earth is what you're all about and i dig it, big time! haha ;)
Jeff Gonzales: how do i even begin? wow. seeing you today for the first time in two years was aWEee and THEN some! i love how u'd always make me laugh and feel soo comfortable being the fool i am. it was great hangin with you and michimi again.
Michelle, you too are pretty damn sweet. i miss seeing you everyday. i rarely see you around school, and that sucks big time!
Jennifer Parsons.. oh jen. i can run to you and cry my eyes out or run to u and laugh as hard as i can and be the biggest fool on earth without hesitance. You are one of a kind and i thank you for always being there.. u ROCK MY SOCKS and make me want to la la! :D
Marielle: wow... you are totally like a sister who knows me well. thankyou for taking the time to call me every once in a while. and every time i see/talk to you.. its like.. we never even stopped before. i love how u make me feel like it was yesterday when we first hit it off in mrs. george's hnrs art class. i LOVE you to death!
Kasey Estrada: how i love you so~! what a peculiar kind of love that's forever been there and will always continue to be there. i miss you... a lot!
Sung Kang: you... you... you make me melt away. i can be rambling on and on and you wouldn't give a damn but listen to everything i've got to say.. not only that but you always seem to have the right things to say to me. there's this comfort i get from you that makes me feel all cozy inside. i love the aura i get from you.
Trevor Jackson: u're an odd one... a very intelligent and provocative person who isn't afraid to speak ur mind. whenever i want to purify myself with honesty and truth .. i go to you. u're my stamina for keeping it raw and true.
There are more of you... but for now, let's keep it at that because i'm soo extremely EXHAUSTED! there's a pile of junk labs that i have to keep up with..ha.... ha.. haha. haha. ha.HA! :) blah... more tributes to come when i have the time to reflect.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
blah. blah blah. blah blah blah blah.
Arts Alive Judging was sOOOOOOOOOO much work yesterday! 2-8pm nonstop work... and i didn't sleep til 5am. And yesterday, I missed bio and chem just because :)
Qualitative Analysis Laboratory today sucked crap-oy. I need a punching bag. Screaming into my pillow doesn't suffice anymore. haha... ha. ha. ha? :P
I miss art. the artwork this year... could have been better to say the least. -_- nonetheless.... it's... ART! What a beauty.
my head hurts. i thought i should update... but nevermind. i will.. soon. summer? ummmmmmm
spit me out the hearth like a pheOnix, please! *sigh*
happy cinco de mayo. i can hear ppl screaming... drunkerds... what fools they can be. :P
Qualitative Analysis Laboratory today sucked crap-oy. I need a punching bag. Screaming into my pillow doesn't suffice anymore. haha... ha. ha. ha? :P
I miss art. the artwork this year... could have been better to say the least. -_- nonetheless.... it's... ART! What a beauty.
my head hurts. i thought i should update... but nevermind. i will.. soon. summer? ummmmmmm
spit me out the hearth like a pheOnix, please! *sigh*
happy cinco de mayo. i can hear ppl screaming... drunkerds... what fools they can be. :P
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Disturbed. Dont ask why.
And so this is what I resort to… Endless self perpetuated mind games… spindles of spool… catastrophic chaos… smokes of mushroom clouds… my mind is running a thousand miles per millisecond yet is idly frozen in time. One of these days, im going to break, not that I am not already broken but to break and never be put back together again. It scares me that I can no longer find tranquility in my dreams, so much as to say and actually believe (in the words of sung) “ok, i'm gonna go to sleep so i can dream because i'm only happy in my dreams.”
I wanted to cry myself to sleep but stopped myself. Why cry when it solves nothing… and to what reason justifies the thirst my pillow will sequench with bitter sorrowful tears. I am weak, I admit. What am i? I am yet to know. Do I exist? To that I debate. *sigh* society.. deceitful, detested… what a distaste..
o.. I cant type faster than thought.. so fragmented, so indistinctive, clear as mud. I fail again.
I’ll attempt perhaps another day… goodnight.
I wanted to cry myself to sleep but stopped myself. Why cry when it solves nothing… and to what reason justifies the thirst my pillow will sequench with bitter sorrowful tears. I am weak, I admit. What am i? I am yet to know. Do I exist? To that I debate. *sigh* society.. deceitful, detested… what a distaste..
o.. I cant type faster than thought.. so fragmented, so indistinctive, clear as mud. I fail again.
I’ll attempt perhaps another day… goodnight.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
more surprises
First and foremost: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUNG! :D i miss youuuuuuu, lots. hope ur day goes well. best of wishes and thoughts to you.
Secondly, chem gang + ernie and chris cheered me up big time yesterday after the bball game (which i mgiht add.. SUCKS crapoy even tho we won UCSB). Having just gotten out of my midterm for STUPid ASA2, I was in an extremely crappy mood--as one might have guessed, i screwed myself over big time. i didn't even finish the dumb essay and 33% of my grade is now down the drain. *sigh* anyway.. so i tried my best to cheer up during the game but it just didn't help. afterward, we hung out: wendy, christine, frank, ernie, chris, and me... in the parking lot (Oh! and i saw a shooting star!!) until frank dragged me to the junction where we took forever to get salsa dip and chips cause we're the most indecisive ppl on the planet.. and frank got the cashier to make the most confusing face ever when he asked: are there any chips for dip? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. you had to be there. "excuse me? i dont understand your question" hahahaha. ooo man. alrite. so anyway... long story short, they threw me a mini surprise party. it was great. the night/day ended well when we drove bak from safeway, our late night excursion. you guys are soo great! i love u!
i'm tired. and contemplative. goodnite.
Secondly, chem gang + ernie and chris cheered me up big time yesterday after the bball game (which i mgiht add.. SUCKS crapoy even tho we won UCSB). Having just gotten out of my midterm for STUPid ASA2, I was in an extremely crappy mood--as one might have guessed, i screwed myself over big time. i didn't even finish the dumb essay and 33% of my grade is now down the drain. *sigh* anyway.. so i tried my best to cheer up during the game but it just didn't help. afterward, we hung out: wendy, christine, frank, ernie, chris, and me... in the parking lot (Oh! and i saw a shooting star!!) until frank dragged me to the junction where we took forever to get salsa dip and chips cause we're the most indecisive ppl on the planet.. and frank got the cashier to make the most confusing face ever when he asked: are there any chips for dip? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. you had to be there. "excuse me? i dont understand your question" hahahaha. ooo man. alrite. so anyway... long story short, they threw me a mini surprise party. it was great. the night/day ended well when we drove bak from safeway, our late night excursion. you guys are soo great! i love u!
i'm tired. and contemplative. goodnite.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Surprises
Today, i am a year older than last. 19. i'm such an old hag.... with back problems! haha.. indeed. It's my first bday ever to spend it with friends and I thank you all for everyone who called/imed/emailed/etc me. I LOVE you guys! thanx for remembering.. i seriously didn't expect anything. u are the backbone of my life. i sincerely thank you x infinity and beyond! thank u, chem gang, for singing happy bday in CHEM today.. hahaha. that was so embarassingly hilarious! thank you linh for the pleasant balloons and flowers surprise on my desk wen i came home. thank you, karen.. my older sister, who came with bearing gifts and a cake! haha. and thank you to my apartment/room mates who took me out for dinner. i love you all! thank you thank you thank you. all my friends are awesome-st of all awesome-ness!
Something that made me smile today:
Maniacal K: hmm...maybe i should just hand deliver it...
Maniacal K: I guess you'll have to wait and see
Maniacal K: but if I go, and you're not home...you'll never get another letter...EVER
Maniacal K: heheh...
n0rmally strange: after..6? HAHAHA
Maniacal K: wait...when did I say you were setting the conditions?
Maniacal K: you're either there, or else you dont love me...there is no "after...6?"
Maniacal K: ooo
n0rmally strange: but imma have to trek bak to davis sunday morning or sat. nite. i dont know yet
Maniacal K: take that
n0rmally strange: hahahaha
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Maniacal K: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: so friday?
Maniacal K: friday night...IF I decide to go...but if you're not there...I'll have to seriously reconsider our relationship...
Maniacal K: IF
Maniacal K: Joyeux Anniversaire
Maniacal K: Alles Gute zum Geburtstag
n0rmally strange: english please?
n0rmally strange: haha
Maniacal K: Buon Compleanno
Maniacal K: Feliz Cumpleaños
n0rmally strange: hahaha
n0rmally strange: thanx dood
n0rmally strange: :-)
Maniacal K: and what would a birthday be, w/o a wonderful birthday card cliche!
Maniacal K: "On your birthday, I'm wishing you something you've always given me...happiness, laughter and lots of love."
n0rmally strange: aweeeeeeee
n0rmally strange: hahaha. i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Maniacal K: or a birthday poem?
n0rmally strange: HAHAHA
Maniacal K: "On your birthday
stretch for a sunbeam...
Reach for a star...
Go for a beautiful dream...
Pick out some wishes,
no matter how far,
or how hard to reach
they may seem...
Cherish hopes dear to your heart...
And as a new year comes in view,
I will add my wishes to yours
that this year they will come true"
n0rmally strange: :-)
n0rmally strange: kasey estradaaaaaaaa
n0rmally strange: i miss you
n0rmally strange: **virtual hug** HAHA
Maniacal K: hmmm...
Maniacal K: Happy Birthday Amy
Maniacal K: I love you soo mcuh
Maniacal K: such a strange kind of love...
n0rmally strange: indeed
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: bak at you x infinity
n0rmally strange: thank you, kasey
n0rmally strange: goodnite. swt dreams!!
Yes, what a strange kind of love. :)
thank you, everyone.. for today.
btw,
HAPPY CHINESE/VIETNAMESE/LAOS.ETC NEW YEARS!! WHOO hoooO
Something that made me smile today:
Maniacal K: hmm...maybe i should just hand deliver it...
Maniacal K: I guess you'll have to wait and see
Maniacal K: but if I go, and you're not home...you'll never get another letter...EVER
Maniacal K: heheh...
n0rmally strange: after..6? HAHAHA
Maniacal K: wait...when did I say you were setting the conditions?
Maniacal K: you're either there, or else you dont love me...there is no "after...6?"
Maniacal K: ooo
n0rmally strange: but imma have to trek bak to davis sunday morning or sat. nite. i dont know yet
Maniacal K: take that
n0rmally strange: hahahaha
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Maniacal K: HAHAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
n0rmally strange: so friday?
Maniacal K: friday night...IF I decide to go...but if you're not there...I'll have to seriously reconsider our relationship...
Maniacal K: IF
Maniacal K: Joyeux Anniversaire
Maniacal K: Alles Gute zum Geburtstag
n0rmally strange: english please?
n0rmally strange: haha
Maniacal K: Buon Compleanno
Maniacal K: Feliz Cumpleaños
n0rmally strange: hahaha
n0rmally strange: thanx dood
n0rmally strange: :-)
Maniacal K: and what would a birthday be, w/o a wonderful birthday card cliche!
Maniacal K: "On your birthday, I'm wishing you something you've always given me...happiness, laughter and lots of love."
n0rmally strange: aweeeeeeee
n0rmally strange: hahaha. i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Maniacal K: or a birthday poem?
n0rmally strange: HAHAHA
Maniacal K: "On your birthday
stretch for a sunbeam...
Reach for a star...
Go for a beautiful dream...
Pick out some wishes,
no matter how far,
or how hard to reach
they may seem...
Cherish hopes dear to your heart...
And as a new year comes in view,
I will add my wishes to yours
that this year they will come true"
n0rmally strange: :-)
n0rmally strange: kasey estradaaaaaaaa
n0rmally strange: i miss you
n0rmally strange: **virtual hug** HAHA
Maniacal K: hmmm...
Maniacal K: Happy Birthday Amy
Maniacal K: I love you soo mcuh
Maniacal K: such a strange kind of love...
n0rmally strange: indeed
n0rmally strange:
n0rmally strange: bak at you x infinity
n0rmally strange: thank you, kasey
n0rmally strange: goodnite. swt dreams!!
Yes, what a strange kind of love. :)
thank you, everyone.. for today.
btw,
HAPPY CHINESE/VIETNAMESE/LAOS.ETC NEW YEARS!! WHOO hoooO
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Song of my soul
everytime my heart aches... the thought of you keeps me going. i miss you. and everytime i do, this song soothes me, cradles me, and sings me pure.. the only song i cry endlessly for the bittersweet sorrows and happiness in life. i wish you never had to go. i love you. i'll never forget you.
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch then bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white and the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying, How do you do?
They're really saying, I, I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch then bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white and the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying, How do you do?
They're really saying, I, I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Friday, December 24, 2004
Words
Somethings on this blog perhaps shouldn't have been said or shouldn't be kept relevant. Whatever it may be, it is my policy and my belief that the past is my past and that, that has been written, shall not be erased. Whether it be good, bad, or mutual... these are my thoughts, my words.
Live for the moment.
Live for the moment.
Monday, December 20, 2004
I WANNA GO SEE IT!
Alright.. so apparently i haven't heard much about my art piece that's in the Smithsonian Las Vegas Art Museum so I emailed the lady: here's the response:
__________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: art quotent
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 09:50:38 -0800
From: "Johnson, Cottie M." Add to Address Book
To: "Amy Chi"
Dude! Your piece was the TALK of the opening! Yes, I sent the piece to Las Vegas and it is on display there right now, in a nice new expensive frame…….apparently at the opening reception your piece made quite a stir and many comments were made regarding it…..and wait until you see the zine it is in…….too cool! Thanks for helping me look good too for putting this all together, your zine is in the mail today. In fact, I’ll send 2……….
Call me if you like,
Cottie Johnson *edit*
-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Chi [mailto:n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, December 17, 2004 8:43 PM
To: Johnson, Cottie M.
Subject: Re: art quotent
Hi Cottie! This is Amy Chi from Sheldon High. I was wondering if there are any news updates about my art piece "Freedom Dance" that you said was going into the Art Quotient and the Las Vegas Art Museum? Just a thought that reigned my curiousity. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Amy Chi
n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com
4 Emerald Creek Court
Sacramento, CA 95824
home: **edit**
cell: **edit**
"Johnson, Cottie M." wrote:
Hey!
Here is the link I spoke of, you piece is supposed to be in it this year!
Yee haw!
Way to go…………ttfn
Cottie Johnson
http://www.artquotient.com/
_____________________________
This is so fucking rad.. i'm SOO EXCITED---my second piece in an Art Museum.. and this one is in a SMITHSONIAN BRANCH! MOother of goodness......
too bad, noone else cares enough to go with me to Vegas. Everyone's busy. Has things to do.... and i'm here, sitting, wishing i can see it.
BOOOOOOOOooooooooo
__________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: art quotent
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 09:50:38 -0800
From: "Johnson, Cottie M."
To: "Amy Chi"
Dude! Your piece was the TALK of the opening! Yes, I sent the piece to Las Vegas and it is on display there right now, in a nice new expensive frame…….apparently at the opening reception your piece made quite a stir and many comments were made regarding it…..and wait until you see the zine it is in…….too cool! Thanks for helping me look good too for putting this all together, your zine is in the mail today. In fact, I’ll send 2……….
Call me if you like,
Cottie Johnson *edit*
-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Chi [mailto:n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, December 17, 2004 8:43 PM
To: Johnson, Cottie M.
Subject: Re: art quotent
Hi Cottie! This is Amy Chi from Sheldon High. I was wondering if there are any news updates about my art piece "Freedom Dance" that you said was going into the Art Quotient and the Las Vegas Art Museum? Just a thought that reigned my curiousity. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Amy Chi
n0rmallystrange@yahoo.com
4 Emerald Creek Court
Sacramento, CA 95824
home: **edit**
cell: **edit**
"Johnson, Cottie M."
Hey!
Here is the link I spoke of, you piece is supposed to be in it this year!
Yee haw!
Way to go…………ttfn
Cottie Johnson
http://www.artquotient.com/
_____________________________
This is so fucking rad.. i'm SOO EXCITED---my second piece in an Art Museum.. and this one is in a SMITHSONIAN BRANCH! MOother of goodness......
too bad, noone else cares enough to go with me to Vegas. Everyone's busy. Has things to do.... and i'm here, sitting, wishing i can see it.
BOOOOOOOOooooooooo
who's line is it anyway?
"""I woke up this morning feeling like i did that night
I don't want your pity or your damn excuse
don't tell me it was because we were both fucked up
or that you'll take a raincheck
cause you're due to make another stampede.
your scent is still everywhere
in my hair and on my skin
you're lips contaminated mine
and the thought of you is like staples to my brain
maybe if i knew you meant some of it or non at all,
it'd be okay if u were to leave
and tell me u only want to be friends.
but the fact is
you took my silly feelings
and pulled my strings
you left me hanging loose with my foolish naviety
tossed me aside.
stop being such a donkey
and make a stand
just tell me ur actions were selfish and meaningless
just speak the truth
i'll understand
dont spoil the friendship cause it's still preserved in a can
I'm not just one of ur other many puppets
nor ur typical flamboyant grl lookin for leisure
speak and break the silence
its the least you can do
i wont judge u/
after all, you did a good job contaminating everything
i'll understand"""
I don't want your pity or your damn excuse
don't tell me it was because we were both fucked up
or that you'll take a raincheck
cause you're due to make another stampede.
your scent is still everywhere
in my hair and on my skin
you're lips contaminated mine
and the thought of you is like staples to my brain
maybe if i knew you meant some of it or non at all,
it'd be okay if u were to leave
and tell me u only want to be friends.
but the fact is
you took my silly feelings
and pulled my strings
you left me hanging loose with my foolish naviety
tossed me aside.
stop being such a donkey
and make a stand
just tell me ur actions were selfish and meaningless
just speak the truth
i'll understand
dont spoil the friendship cause it's still preserved in a can
I'm not just one of ur other many puppets
nor ur typical flamboyant grl lookin for leisure
speak and break the silence
its the least you can do
i wont judge u/
after all, you did a good job contaminating everything
i'll understand"""
Friday, December 10, 2004
My Love... you are wonderful!
my brain lesion
of spindled spools
and
thicket thorns
do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...
and stain your hands crimson
Let's just say, i wasn't in the best of moods if not in one of the worse with killer pains and suffocating scholastic work.. as one can imagine with sky rocketing stress levels:
___________________________________________________________________________
Maniacal K (8:43:52 PM): seriously though... Kasey = madly in love with Amy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from n0rmally strange (8:43:52 PM): do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...
and stain your hands crimson
gotta start writing by 10....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maniacal K (8:44:05 PM): just thought I'd remind you...
Maniacal K (8:44:08 PM): good night
Maniacal K signed off at 8:44:26 PM.
___________________________________________________________________________
As should I remind you, my dear: I love you... forever MORE, Daniel Kasey Estrada! More than you nor I, or anyone for that matter, can ever imagine. :) A most precious and pecuilar love i cannot distinguish as any familiar type of love... it is a love unfamiliar to words and physical expression. Thanx for making me feel better. I miss youuuuuuuu!! :)
of spindled spools
and
thicket thorns
do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...
and stain your hands crimson
Let's just say, i wasn't in the best of moods if not in one of the worse with killer pains and suffocating scholastic work.. as one can imagine with sky rocketing stress levels:
___________________________________________________________________________
Maniacal K (8:43:52 PM): seriously though... Kasey = madly in love with Amy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from n0rmally strange (8:43:52 PM): do me a favor and put pressure on my bleeding wounds...
and stain your hands crimson
gotta start writing by 10....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maniacal K (8:44:05 PM): just thought I'd remind you...
Maniacal K (8:44:08 PM): good night
Maniacal K signed off at 8:44:26 PM.
___________________________________________________________________________
As should I remind you, my dear: I love you... forever MORE, Daniel Kasey Estrada! More than you nor I, or anyone for that matter, can ever imagine. :) A most precious and pecuilar love i cannot distinguish as any familiar type of love... it is a love unfamiliar to words and physical expression. Thanx for making me feel better. I miss youuuuuuuu!! :)
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