everyone is quick to joke and judge about my character today. in physics DL, we gave each other nicknames. and i? PLAYAH Chi. hahahahahaha.. how and why the name? i wouldn't be able to tell you. they say if i was a druggie... i'd be a cocaine addict. hah!

dubbed as one who carries many alluring facial expressions of unknown intent, i am typed a mystery of character by sir eric lee and madame cianchetta.

i might as well put it in practice...
_____________________


"When one is young one should begin to philosophize, and when one is old one should not be tired of philosophizing. For it is never too early or too late to work at the health of the soul." -Epicurus

being pensive and attempting to race along with the mind. literally. :P

GAH

I've been sleeping a lot lately, but that doesn't mean it's quality sleep.
I can hardly keep myself asleep. It's like I'm using every ounce of energy just to force my body to rest. Why? I don't know.

Something is bothering me, yah? ((I think)) GAH.
Why am i so agitated? frustrated? plain ol' ~!@#$%^&*^%#$@ I dont even know the word for it.


blah blah blah blah blah. For one, i did worse in the berkeley tourney than i thought. DID I TELL YOU HOW I FREAKISHLY GOT JIPPED 2 POINTS IN THE DIRECT ELIMINATION ROUND BECAUSE OF MY STUPID LINE JUDGES?!?! o man... seeded 25th after the first rounds and just because of those possible 2 points, i lose against someone who was seeded 41! and my final seeding????????? 33?!? gah. no. no. i'm over it. sigh. its okay. i had fun. except for that incident. its okay. nat won novice foil. whoo hoo~! go UCD! For two, I hate ochem lab, and mind you, i usually LOVEEEE lab. gah. so much baby-ing from the T.A. who no one understands. sigh. he won't give me the points i honestly believe i deserve from the free response questions on exam 1 and 2... and i need those points! GRRRRRR.. STUPID STUPID STUPID t.a. blah blah blah blah blah....

what else?! TOO MUCH. but i haven't sort it all out yet. i dont believe i will until after finals. oooo ooo finals...

Finals are coming up next week. Start on the 17th and i dont end til the last day on the 23rd. Gotta ace all my exams to attain grades i'll be satisfied with. :P It's okay. I just have to breathe. Relax. Absorb. and NOT freak out. hah. i hope i do well.

la la la la la

thank goodness for the sake of writing to maintain self sanity.

i just awoke from an uber sad dream. my whole body aches, my pillow case and blankets are soaked, and i feel like crap-- what a contrast to the dream i had a few days previous.

*sigh* i'm definitely feeling the pressure now.. of the tourney, gigantic shit load of school work i need to start doing, future planning, and personal issues. i want next week to come already so i can get it all over with but then again, i dont because i need more time to study. i can't wait til spring break. i can't wait to see people i haven't seen in ages, months, days... gah! i can't wait to feel comfortable again.

i want to scream on the top of my lungs, cry my tear ducts dry, and laugh until my stomach kills... and then run until i drop. haha. blahhhhhh i can't wait until break. i MUST MUST MUST visit the beach/bay. i must must must see the must see people i love oh so very much and miss oh so very much!

la la la la la... gah

shake it off. shake it off. only a few more weeks. damn it amy chi.. damn you. get yourself together. suck it in, breathe it out. the world is yours. take it in. learn it. love it. live it.

:)

I dont know why but i was in an incredibly good mood last night. I fenced semi well, read a good portion of my leisure book China Men by Maxine Hong Kingston before I fell asleep, and had a really good dream where I sang, danced, pranced, and painted. hahahahahaha.. i can vaguely remember the queer looks i received from ppl in my dream.

Anyway.. I'm excited about this weekend's Berkeley tournament. I HAVE MY OWN GEAR! whooot... hahaha.. but i havne't been to practice much this quarter and wonder how i'll perform. eeeh, i'm not worried about ranking high/low... it's all about having fun and gaining more experience, yah? :) I am worried tho, that my right ankle and left fifth metatarsal won't cooperate and fail me. :-\ *knock on wood*

On the flip coin.... I should be stressed! Midterms, papers, labs, and quizzes flying left and right next week.. all of which I haven't really touched. -_- and esp. with the tournament this weekend.. i wonder how i'll manage. aahhhhhh.. mmmk. I'll start crackin.

<3 for all. good day to you, mi amor.

i'm exhausted. i havne't stopped going to class/studying since 7am. and i still haven't gotten around physics hw. happy valentine's day, everyone. :P

anyway, i came across this hiliarious Wong Fu Productions Video. Enjoy:



sha la la la la~ confidence, yo.

Life, Death, Love, Truth, Honesty, and Purity-- Unedited

hmm.. where to even begin???

It's almost like twix cause it's all in the mix-- the good, the bad, the evil, the alturistic.

Two days prior my angelic birthday, I received a call from my brother, which revived my title and job as the middle man of family problems. It wasn't pretty and I ended up solving little btwn mom, sister, and brother. I was bellowed by insults and hurled accusations when all i tried to do was help... i was asked to speak and i spoke. what more can i do? fuck it. People need to stop the stubborness and ignorance and try to be more understanding. Moreover, people should try communicating.. try honesty and truth for once! :P Likewise, the night ended with tears and frustration but nonetheless, i moved on.

The next day came fencing practice... and mind you, i haven't been at practice in a week or more because of midterms and personal crap, but ultimately, i can't blame anyone but myself for the lack of confidence and practice. It is the worse I've performed... i'm not attacking, i'm not moving. i'm hesitating, i'm not aggressive.. gah! what made it worse... i lose to a noob!! :( i mean i'm a noob too but he was like... FRESH MEAT! bllaahh... i got so frustrated with myself... i didn't know what to do so after fencing, i went to the arc and ran it off.

And on goes to my birthday on thursday.. o my birthday.. i only had one class in the morning. it was serene. I came home and went to nap for 3 hrs. woke up, showered, decided last minute to go back to sacramento to drive my younger sister to davis to watch "Death and the Ploughman" with me. how fitting to watch a theatrical performance on what it means to live and die on my birthday, yah? haha, what's more ironic: i almost got killed by a big rig truck while driving on the freeway.. and i think it was around the TIME i was born! Crazy isn't it? o life. o life. o how fragile one can be. blah balh blah. anwyay.. i drove emily to davis, went to dinner with my roomates (THANK YOU, IT WAS LOVELY!), and then went to the performance.. drove emily back to sacramento, drove back to davis and fell asleep around 3 b/c i had to help my brother edit his paper and ended up having none of my own hw done. hah. i didn't get to do all i wanted to do on my birthday but what is more was that everything was simple. simple and quiet. i loved it. i loved how i was able to not set expectations and i loved how undisturbed i was about certain friendships. i found pleasure in the simple things in life. which brings me to this:

I'm changing as a person and I sense that this year will be (or rather is) a milestone. i found out a lot about myself from introspection and recent events of yesteryear; i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love, yet i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.

Truth and honesty are two things i hold very dear to my heart... without it, i dont believe i can live. When those two things are loss or becomes nonexistant between two people, the bond btwn them errodes. I was so utterly disturbed by yesteryear's problems.. soo submersed in trying to maintain certain friendships/relationships that went haywired due to misunderstandings that I'm still not totally clear about... that i fell into depression last year. I wish ppl are more understanding and more willing to open up and pan out their problems in discussion. gah. anyway. I finally got over it. I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).

I suppose that's just the kind of person I am. I try. and I try. I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimisim again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways. <3

On the flip side and quick insight to else matters, i'm uber agitated: I find my interests (in terms of future careers and goals) flaundering. Do i truly want to become a doctor? no. Do i want to get into research? maybe. Do i miss art? TOTALLY. Am i doing well scholastically? not really. Am i able to "reach for the stars" and rise above my ashes? I hope so but I certainly do not feel that way. *sigh*

Anyway, whatever the future holds for us, let's brave it without fear. there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty.

________________________________

"From the moment a man is born into this world, he drinks from a cup that does not belong to him... life in this world is built upon a foundation of sand. Everything must transform."

-"Death and the Plougman"

my brother is a moron
and guys are assholes.
thank you. and have a good day.

Wash me anew

I think i want to start a new project. an art project. and a nature project. i need to earth myself.




I looked up at the sky today and got loss in its vessel of beauty, mercy, and tranquility. I haven't done that in a while. I think im going to spend tomorrow at the park, weather permitting. :)

I stole it

In 2005.... I...

(x) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
( ) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL

( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office

OTHER

(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
( ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
(x) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( )saw a favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone

goodbyes

If I was to disappear from the lives I onced walked into, forgive me.


My zest for change has taken ahold. Nostalgic I am--no less than a contradition of life and death. I am unsure of who I am or what I am to become... Im not quite sure I like what I am turning myself into.
___

what makes me more curious...
if only i did take up my acceptance at Boston Uni...

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/02/03/bioterrorism.lab.ap/index.html

or followed my aspirations and passion...
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/gallery.php

we always want what we cannot have. sigh.

by now, you'd think i'd be over and done with it.

but i'm not.

and because of this, I must say farewell to those i love... against my will.

what foolishness. GAH!

should be studying but
check it out~!

http://www.digave.com/videos/red-web.mpg

In touch with nature, culture, and spirit

I had the most ordinary lunar bday today... and I never felt better about how smoothly things went with everyone that came and went. I felt more spiritual and cultural than usual, that is in a non-religious kind of way.. perhaps it all has to do with my godfather and godmother being mother and father earth. complicated, yes. and the mystery continues... Happy Lunar New Year!


mm.. look at my beautiful cake.. haha..


i dont normally gush.. but.. !!! :D my whole dad's side of the fam was there.. so we had TWO cakes! yum

P.S. i fell in love with this kid (my distant cousin) that sang the ABCs and "You Are My Sunshine" to me. it was the first time we've met. he is the sweetest darn thing ever..aaaahhh 2 yrs old and he swooned me like no other. *CHEEZE* :) it makes me smile just thinking about him :)

The gift of new years: a hearty reminder of what it is to be grateful

when i woke up this morning, my whole right arm was completely LIMP! it was possibly more limp than the limp of dead fish one can buy off the market.

i literally could NOT move it and had to lift it up with my left hand. i got so scared sitting there. i tried pinching it and lifting it with my left arm.. AND I COULD NOT FEEL A SINGLE THING.. not even the slightest pressure from my left hand/fingers as i grabbed it.

horrible notions ran through my head: "as a new year's gift, my whole right arm is going to be paralyzed. i will no longer be able to paint, draw, do art!, write letters, fence! or do anything without my right arm/hand!

Aghast and hardly breathing, i wavered my limp appendage back and forth with the help and wholesome support of my left arm, watching my wrist snap back and forth like i've never seen it before. it must have been at least two minutes until feeling started to gradually come back.

*SIGH*, what a thing to start the day off with! i honestly thought it was OVER for me! :-0

i can now genuinely say i am grateful for simply being in "one functional unit."

Moral of story: appreciate the small things in life. no matter how small it is, it makes an unfathomable difference to do without.

side self reminder: i still need to make that doctor's appointment :-\

wellness in health

http://www.wholehealthmd.com/hk/remedies/disp/1,1459,428,00.html

confuzzled. its okay. i can handle it. yeah? :]

on a completely random note:

i was browsing blogs.. and i came across

http://mrboyboy.blogspot.com/2006/01/believing-in-having-belief_113800171471473426.html

beautifully written. goodnite.

AHHH.. the new yr is here!!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVES! oooh how wonderful it feels!!

n0rmally strange (1:17:21 AM): i can't stop smiling
n0rmally strange (1:17:25 AM): and i dont know why im smiling haha
kaY8686 (1:17:41 AM): man
kaY8686 (1:17:47 AM): i wanna be all randomly happy
n0rmally strange (1:17:56 AM): i'm happy cause the new yr is here
n0rmally strange (1:18:06 AM): and i've finally thrown some baggage away
n0rmally strange (1:18:21 AM): im not dwelling anymore
n0rmally strange (1:18:22 AM): :)
n0rmally strange (1:18:24 AM): whooooottttt
n0rmally strange (1:18:26 AM): feels good
n0rmally strange (1:18:39 AM): and im not talking to ppl i dont wanna talk to
n0rmally strange (1:19:16 AM): at least for now
n0rmally strange (1:19:25 AM): they dont knw that but all the better
n0rmally strange (1:19:26 AM): hahahahahaaha
n0rmally strange (1:19:33 AM): aaahhh i'm on a natural high
n0rmally strange (1:19:35 AM): :D
n0rmally strange (1:19:37 AM): hahahahahaahaha
n0rmally strange (1:19:38 AM): whooooo
n0rmally strange (1:19:44 AM): omg i might be going crazy
kaY8686 (1:20:35 AM): hahaha
kaY8686 (1:20:40 AM): you sound happy
kaY8686 (1:20:42 AM): that's good
n0rmally strange (1:20:42 AM): :D
n0rmally strange (1:20:46 AM): thanx
n0rmally strange (1:20:49 AM): i know
n0rmally strange (1:20:51 AM): i feels good
kaY8686 (1:21:01 AM): did you do anything "fun" for new years?
n0rmally strange (1:21:03 AM): it's been awhile
n0rmally strange (1:21:05 AM): hahaha
n0rmally strange (1:21:08 AM): no not yet
n0rmally strange (1:21:12 AM): except to be happy
n0rmally strange (1:21:22 AM): i guess that's fun enough
n0rmally strange (1:21:24 AM): for now
n0rmally strange (1:21:26 AM): :)
kaY8686 (1:21:47 AM): man
kaY8686 (1:21:51 AM): i wanna be just happy
kaY8686 (1:21:53 AM): i'm a little jealous
n0rmally strange (1:23:43 AM): i think it was all because of a phone call

it feels good to be free. oh, how i hope this will be a good year. i love you all! best of wishes, of health, and of happiness~~ :-*

Being OOoooookay

After all that has happened,
my fatigue from all my nightmares
contemplation
reevaluation
introspection,
I've learned quite a lot
life is short
one must dream to hope
and hope to act
act to get
and get to give,
give to learn.
But not all dreams
are meant to be brought to life
not all are meant to be fulfilled.

It's okay to not know
it's okay to not understand
it's okay to take it slow
and it's okay to be not okay.

Life is sporatic... unpredictable
it can be beautiful one moment and cruel the next
time is passive and young and impatient for it doesn't know how to wait
therefore one mustn't dwell on things that can't be change
instead
learn-- adapt to reality
and all the while remember there is always something to smile about
all will work itself out in due time
patience is a virtue but without initiative and optimism, there will be no progress. no end to no beginning and no beginning to no end.

the future waits. brave it with all one's might
for the adventure and endless possibilities await.

i've forgotten how good it was to be okay.

*sigh*

Precisely:

Billy Joel's Vienna

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

inspiration

if only i can express what i feel in words that are comprehensible, i would.

all i can say right now is it is a good feeling and i dont want to lose it.

spit me out the hearth like a pheonix with ambition, passion, love, and without baggage. :) a new yr is around the corner and i can't wait!

happy holidays!

what i am not, i cannot be until i make myself to be

Happy holidays, everyone!

Finals are over and if I learned anything this quarter, it is to not freak out in the mist of chaos for it will help me no further-- hah, how many times have you heard me say that? Everything that happenecd in the past few months, perhaps past two years, seem to be a really long nightmare. I wish it will end soon if not now. I haven't been myself. Life since I started college has gone downhill and i know not what i am or what i used to be. I did. But the blanket of darkness fell upon my eyes and i can see no further what lies ahead.
I've been saying "spit me out the hearth like a phe0nix" forever and a day now, but nothing i do or say suffices. Every new beginning I make of my maze, I always end without luck. stuck. befallen in the damp coldness.

revert to the hard worker i used to be.
revert to the strong optimist i used to be.

there are many things i need to become that i am not. there are many things in my past i need to let go. and i will start with nettles. then with stones. and finally with mountains.

i need to learn not to dwell.

EH.... what was i thinking? i dont know.

finals are this week and i'm as screwed as ever can be. i hate how little things that usually make me smile, now make me all teary eyed. i hate the feeling of wanting and not wanting the same something at the same time. i hate how my computer doesn't work anymore. i hate the feeling of loving someone so much it hurts. i hate how i burrowed in the hole i dug myself. i hate how i write.


Babychi: hello
Babychi: i was about to make u a prsent but it broke
Babychi: i don't kow how to fix it
Babychi: i was about to make you three but one broke and so did the other one. so there was the last one and i decided it is not good so i took it apart
n0rmally strange: lol
n0rmally strange: what was it?
Babychi: y i might be able to fix it
Babychi: so i won't telll u
n0rmally strange: lol
n0rmally strange: haha
Babychi: i hope i do
n0rmally strange: so are u still gonna give it to me?
n0rmally strange: awww, i love you, stephanie chi
Babychi: but it came apart cause i unscrwed it to put battery in but a came apart even more
Babychi: and that was gonna be the first gift under the chrismas tree
n0rmally strange: hahaha

O how i love my little monster and how i miss her soooo soo sooo much!!!

i dont know where i'm going with this.. okay.. break time over. more studying. studying studying.. studying... studying... studying....

vunerable

i'm tired of playing games
i'm tired of cheating myself
i'm tired of caring
i'm tired of feeling

i'm weathered.
i'm beaten.
i'm brittle.
i'm vunerable.

i am not myself.

next time you see me
through and over
with a well of tears
do me a favor:
hold me close
and dont let go
and tell me...
everything will be okay


lean on me -al green

how will i ever forget. happy birthday. it hurts so. i love you.
Kamakawiwo'ole- Somewhere Over the Rainbow

October.

october makes me want to absorb all the sorrows of myself and of family and friends.. take all the burden and all the unhappiness... caress it, put it on a platter, feel the sorrowness to their extremities... the wounds and scars... cry it all out.. and smile upon it weakly afterward.

its kinda like ripping your heart out just to see it beat to the rhythm of life and die a little in the moment of enlightment,
yah?

refreshing.
morbidly refreshing.

ya dig?

Off to school

so this is it guys. off to davis. yeah yeah, i know it isn't my first time leaving for Davis (cause i'll be back in Sacramento the next weekend.. hah... maybe), but I'm so ready to start school again. gotta loose all this tub of chub and slosh around some brain juice inside mi cranium. i figured it'll get my mind off personal crap for a while at least and yeah.

heck, i miss ppl. i miss my friends--all of them... of sac and davis. blah. come to think of it, i didn't get a chance to hang out with a lot of them this summer :'( and if i did... i wish i had done it more. *sigh* i love you! (you guys should know who u are). where and what would i be without true friendship?

mmmmmmmmk. i'm off.. to davis. whoo hoo.


oh and for the record, i don't like davis. i want to transfer but it isn't likely that i will because 1. my parents wont approve of it and 2. i wouldn't know where to transfer to. *sigh*

dum dee dee dum... good luck and best wishes to all.

i miss getting constant emails... and most of all snail mail. hah. does anyone do that anymore? :P

viva la amistad

Nietzsche once said, "if you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks into you."

turns out i was too sensitive.

i'm lookin' up and swinging on stars with a croked smile on my face. life is so spontaneous.


i'm soo ready.

so ready for change

soooo over it.

and soo random.

goodbyes are bittersweet.

anyway.. i'm ready to tackle! 1, 2, 3...