Literally. Figuratively. And reading and writing in between lines.

I'm debating whether not to delete my last post, mostly because I didn't really mean it. I mean-- I meant it but I didn't mean it, mean it. I was a tad sensitive to the whole ordeal and had sort of preposterous expectations for my friend.

Not to make excuses to buy myself out of my own actions, but I suppose the main reason for my last post was mainly to vent. I felt like I was losing a friend and didn't want the circumstances of his moving away to affect our friendship...

Ugh, this is already beginning to sound like high school or rather like when I had to move to a different elementary school when I was in 4th grade: I simply got attached to the comfort of seeing my friends everyday that I didn't want to leave them and thought it was totally unfair where life has taken us. The same applies here.

I've seen the guy off a bijillion times, one too many. In fact, I didn't even want to go/stay at the last get-together we had with friends, which was supposed to be just for fun and NOT another goodbye for him but in which everyone treated it like one anyway. And at the end of the night, I didn't say goodbye because I didn't want it to be about goodbyes. Well, good going then because that was the last I saw of him; I loss my chances to say goodbye because I was stubborn. So yes, I was angry at myself. And I was really sad I didn't get my last chance to say goodbye. I really did want to see him off one last time... but I was too stubborn to admit my stubbornness and own fault when I wrote my last blog. Make sense?

Eh, it doesn't matter if I'm being coherent, as long as I know what my rationale was for writing what I wrote. I would apologize to my audience and/or to my friend (if anyone actually reads this piece of crap), but I will refrain from doing so because ultimately, this blog isn't for anyone but myself. This blog is my sanctuary, my dumping ground for important/unimportant ideas, thoughts, summations... things that I just don't have enough room in my head to keep track of... a place where insanity and sanity means everything and nothing at all... and where entries are sometimes literal, sometimes figurative, and sometimes meant to be read in between lines.

So in conclusion to my debate, the answer is no. I will not delete my last post. It is what it is for reasons beside the literary and figurative speech.

Good night.

It takes two in any friendship; but often times one is willing to give more than the other. When do you let go? When do you deem that the other person just isn't worth your time?

Door's always open. You just have to walk through it. But I'm not going to chase after you, coaxing you to come through anymore.

______________________________________

Note to self.

Dear Self:

In the relentless effort to tell you how much time you're squandering:

LET IT GO!
He's not coming back. And even if he is, he's not coming back for you. You're no longer important in his life. You're merely just a girl of his past. Another one of those, "ugh, she's calling again? What does she want now?" type of person in his life. He didn't even bother to say goodbye and he is not going to bother calling you back now. He hasn't yet, so what makes you think he will in the next few days he has left? So why get all hung up about saving this friendship? You know he doesn't deem you worthy of his time. Chill out. Strive to be better without him. You know you can do it.
Even you said you were over it. Of course, you're over the relationship but you're not over how distant your friendship has become right? Pffft, well, hell, you've got a million people who value your time and your friendship more than he. Why should you care? WHY SHOULD YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU? Be logical, woman. You're worth more than that and your education sure as well is worth more than that. So buckle up. Chin up. Head high. Shoulders straight. March forward and don't look back.

Love,
Self

P.S. Don't let bitterness tempt you, even if it is the easiest way out to forget someone. You're better than that. :)

Now, focus! :)

Habits. Humbug.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: that is my relentless habit of trying to save a friendship perhaps unworthy of my attention, concern, and love because it takes two to make it work. It isn't that this friendship has gone sour, oh no. This friendship came and it bloomed, but now the distance... the vagueness... the emptiness... and loss of caring from the other party. It recalls the same ideas and values an entry I wrote a few years ago on my birthday:

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2006/02/life-death-love-truth-honesty-and.html

"i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love... i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.

"I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).

"I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimism again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways.

"... there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty."


Meh, I'm over it. Or at least I tell myself that. We'll see in time. Bleh. whatever. I'm tired. Good night. Excuse the poor grammar and spelling and word choices... ciao.

Silly me

To say the least, I've been feeling like death lately after coming down with the flu (perhaps?). I've been sent home from work by my supervisor, who almost is like a second mom to me, twice now in two weeks! Embarrassing, no?

Ugh, the accumulation of pages and work I have to read, write, and do is amounting to a hefty mountain of sorts. No doubt, I'll double the furnace tonight and the fire shall burn through the weekend. I will divide and conquer... no paper will be left unread nor pathogenic genus of organism left unraveled! ---okay, so what if I'm bluffing just a tad? Aim high. Fly higher. Right? :P

Aside from feeling the breathe of death constantly on my neck, I've been feeling like a recluse of society... perhaps that's mainly from me avoiding faces so that I, oh reservoir of flu, won't accidentally spread me germs and dub myself title of Patient Zero of Index Case of whatever it is that I have. SWINEEEEEEE? HAHA. Or is it that I've been cast out from the realms of society simply because everyone else is avoiding me who knows I'm sick? Hmm....

And just when I was about to pick up my phone in hopes of alleviating this alienated aloofness that's consummated my week and has sort of put me in doldrums, I receive a sweet text message from my friend Akshay asking me if I was feeling any better. :) It was a simple message, but it certainly made my day. Then, ironically, the gates to a little TLC broke open thereafter. Akshay's text was followed by a call from mommy asking to see if I was okay and if I needed anything. (Awweeee, I'm still loved!) haha. And next thing I know, my gramps came in to give me some hot tea. *glee* The marmalade of events tickles my fancy and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. haha.. and I'm basking in it. :) :) Silly me to think I am any less shy of being the luckiest girl alive to have such awesome family and friends.

RAWR!

i want...

sigh. i want to do a lot of things.

i want to bask in glory and happiness with old friends and new.
i want to enjoy the company of my family but not feel like i'm being held down.
i want to finish my program and perhaps move away.
i want to have a fresh new start-- a different beginning.
i want to be excited about something new and have someone to share the excitement with.
i want to remember what i was like to have a goal in life.
i want to be proud in what i do and more importantly be content in being the best that i can be.
i want to make mistakes and learn from them.
i want to laugh and cry.
i want to feel boundless and restriction free.
i want to absolutely be crazy about life and live it to the fullest.

and i want you to come along with me as i continue my journey.

i miss you all, my loves. you haven't the slightest clue. ;) love love love love love!

there's something exciting around the corner and i cant wait to find out what it is... for better or worse. hello, future! <3!

Love & Life - Albert Einstein

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man/woman of deeds and not for the man/woman of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man/woman you love but with the man/woman who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving; it only means that you allow that person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn’t mean you failed in love.

Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, no past so bitter that love cannot accept, and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.


________________________
And here's a beautiful song that said it all for me at one point but no longer.