Banes of Disappointment

2 almost 3am tuesday morning... I should be asleep, but instead i'm awake with a feverish headache, a precusor to illness maybe?  I sure hope not.  I hate being sick and i rarely do get sick; and when i do, they're usually horrendous.  I can't sleep... suppose i am spellbound to insomnia.  I tried my luck with remedies such as inducing physical fatigue to help but they have no effect. 
 
at any rate, on the topic of expectations: expectations can ruin the day for anyone.  the worse thing anyone can do is rely on expectations one has for another entity because this leaves room for disappointment if expectations are not met.  emphasis and desire for these expectations to be fulfilled only cause a whole slew of muck.  nonchalance for other tasks while one dwells will soon engulf daily cognition and the ability think rationally/open-mindedly.  expectations will carve a wooden doll out of the mind and tether it to disappointment.  obviously, too great of expectations will result in this manner... but why do we have them?
 
diverting to other random thoughts:
it scares me to think i'm squandering time... because time is ephemeral. 
carpe diem!  Seize the day!  --a concept that is rather ambiguous.  don't you think?  depending on your definition on seizure... the phrase is potent to numerous meanings...
aiysh, can i ever finish my thoughts before the missing the subway stop? 
 
change as the only constant in life... soo fragmented, so unorganized, a jigsaw puzzle if u will... i feel extremely random (which is good and bad). 
 
 
no, no conclusion.  this blog is just IS.  :]
 

Dear (___enter name here__)

I'm clearing out my files on the comp.. and i came across something I wrote early April of this yr, which is semi still relevant to today, thought i might post it, unedited:
 
dear friend:
i dont feel the radiant light that warms my soul anymore.. i dont feel a darn thing.  i'm like a plastered screen tv--- there for the command of others to turn me on and turn me off... functioning like another materialistic paraphernalia.  am i worth anything?  the purpose of me to make my own decisions, walk my own life?  NOTHING.  I'm torn between love (not the romantic kind but the passion kind) and life.  Obedience and disobedience.  I see nothing. nothing for the future of me.  no good, no bad.

i need to leave this life of concealled lies and obscured truths.  i need to live i life i think is worth living for me.  living out in the streets... experience the world for myself where the world is absorbing me, i'm absorbing the world.  i need that connection to click with me.. for it to breathe air into my lungs and awaken me once again...

and when i'm finally there... i will cry but it will be, instead of the tears that i've drained for the sake of sorrow, it will be a cry for joy, of enlightenment, of knowledge that perhaps will be little but is still tangible.  i'm like a child whose environment is her mother's womb; i will be shocked and discomforted when i'm brought to the light, to the raw but embossed reality... but in that moment, i will be happy. 

if i died now, i would not feel a thing... i want to see it.. and i want to feel it.  if i died after my enlightenment, i will simle upon my death and welcome my sweet and endless sleep. it will be bitter sweet but more sweet than bitter. 

i know i'm very selfish to think this of myself... and to grieve over my condolences at this point in time.. and i know others are suffering with their problems as much as i am myself.. and perhaps, on a larger scale, their problems are much more pulsating... but i need this for myself because without it, i am not alive.

i am a walking stupor, fallen deep in the sleep that may not be waken even if i was forced to.  i need this time for me.. and to see me again befoer ei can see others.  this is a selfish act.. and i feel awful for being the self absorbed monster i am.  but until i get over myself... i cannot be the funfilled person i need to be.. i still continue to help others but in those moments, am i feeling the fulfillment or necessity to help another?  is it genuine?  i hope it is.. but i wont be sure until i can feel soemthing real.. and this experience i described above that i hope i will achieve.. that will be a feeling of emotion... of raw expererience.  does that make sense to you?

i hope it does and please forgive me while i combust and swallow my own ashes.  until then, i dont think it is fair for those around me to entitle them to aquaint me as a friend, foe, daughter, student, or person. 

please forgive me. 

-me

pensive thought

having the urge to write... something.. i have a billion kazillion thoughts tail chasing in my head.  but im here with nothing.  i'll note and maybe i'll come back to them.  i need to study psych.  huge test tomorrow.  ughhh, disgusting.  it's late... and i'm still up.  should be studying.. STUDY STUDY... FOCUS FOCUS. 
 
note:
 
crocker art museum
-human in nature #11 by Fritz Scholder (mixed media on canvas)
-wolf in studio
-winter's blue cold
>>magnificent artwork!!
>>grouchy receptionist
>>reallie nice security officer
>>lucky "finder's keeper" incident but guilty conscious hence.. charity.  haha. :P
 
movies:
-crucible
>>sucker for tears @ end
>>human nature
-troy
>>want to see
 
reading:
-tony hillerman's dance hall of the dead
>>page turner!
-snow vs. black violin
>>which oneeee??
-the illiad
>>always a pleaser
-ulysseus by balvid or whatever his name is
>>poor translation/summary of the Odeyssey!!!!!!!  >P
 
own art:
-lack of inspiration
-acrylic on masonite maybe...
-start sketchbook again?
 
miscellaneous:
-family vs independence
-nature vs. nurture
-me vs me.
 
>>STARGAZING=A NEED SOMETIME SOON BEFORE I GO INSANE. 
 
 
back to studying.
 
good day/afternoon/evening to you, whoever you are. 
 
 

Is it Indecisiveness? Anxiety? or Apathy?

Life seems to be a complete 180 turn around lately.. maybe I'm thinking too much but maybe I'm not?  Should i do this or should i do that?  Instinct vs. logic but does not logic include instinct?  ><  i'm a tiny spider (ughh.. and i hate spiders... and yes, maybe i do hate myself sometimes) dangling on its thin webby string in a summer storm.. and the wind carries me... succumbs every bit of my lungs, instantaneously expanding my lungs to its fullest capacity perhaps almost suffocating me.. crushing my sinews... and splater what is left of me onto the ground.  I love life because there's so much more to learn but i'M SICK OF life although i have every possible necessity in order to survive.  i have every body part intact and vital organs to serve me the purpose of homeostasis.  I often ponder what life'll be like if i am not the amy chi i've made myself to become today.  what if i was a total definant child whose rage and anger devoured me wholly?  what if i was bashful and completely igonorant (which i am, everyone is)?  what if this, what if that?
 
I know, i've been such a hermit lately.. but i can't help it.  I keep making up excuses for myself and others to not go out, not to talk, not to do anything.  Anxiety swallows my self-confidence and self-conscious thoughts immediately flare into action.  It's not that i'm afraid of meeting new ppl or updating my life with friends.. it's more like a feeling of apathy.  And yes, i've been extremely apathetic lately and it kills me to think i am.  I dont like it and i dont want it.. and yet i am it.  BLAH.  get me outta this nightmare.  What am i doooinng?
 
and yet, i am content.  discontent.  I'M SUCH A CONTRADICTION! 
 
i am content at the moments i feel hermit like bc life is going well, no one bothers me.. no one to intrude my personal bubble.  but i'm discontent because i miss being with my friends.. i miss going out and having fun.. being careless.  and at the same time, i enjoy it.. i'm much more observant.. as i'd like to think i often am.. but a lot more alert.  why>?  why am i doing this to myself?  why can't i be completely content?  why? 
 
 
WHY DO I ALWAYS ASK WHY WHENI DONT HAVE AN ANSWER?  WHY DOES ANYONE?
hahaha.. i'm sooo angry at myself that i'm laaughing soo hard i dont even know what happened to begin with.  why?
 
hahahah..
 
 
gah.  what a gloomy update.  though, in reality, i'm not extremely glum.. i'm not reallie at all. 
 
how odd.
 
btw, reason y i havne't updated in a while = i wanted to keep my entry "Mirage too good to be true" on the blog page bc i reallie liked that entry.  but anyhoo.  the world keeps turning, and i'm stuck with it. 
  
i want to drop summer school entirely and STOP ALL TIME, go on a road trip or something and just READ.... DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. 
 
 
MAYBE, i just need to get away from this suburban life.
 
I suddenly have an urge for nature.  i do.  i reallie realie do.  somewhere quite..
 
i know what i want.
 
i want tranquility.  :]

Sports and Stuff

SPorts:

I told myself to take note of this earlier but never did bc of time constraints but has anyone been watching the summer olympic trials for track and field?

YAY for M. Greene!! Men's Track and Field
I can't believe Marion Jones didnt make it in the Women's Track and Field!! That was a shocker.

OOOhhh.. and then to biking:
I CAN'T BELIEVE ARMSTRONG.. :(

awee, what a sports diappointment lately

StuFF:

As soon as i convince my mom, i need to go buy INCUBUS TICKETS! goodness sakes, i need to gooo :) it'll be my first concert ever. it'll be awesome.. but u knoe what?

i'm penniless.. :'( as of now. bleeehhh i guess i'll have to be patient.

Wnat to do list:
-go to a native american powwow (either the one this month or next)
-go to incubus concert
-have summer school be done and over with so i can read MY books
-go to great america or some sort of theme park with ROLLERCoaSters before i start college
-learn how to play chess
and so on


so much to do yet so little time.

:( Insomnia realile SUCKS

I'm so tired of staying up... but i can't sleep. TWO NIGHTS NOW AND NO SLEEP! BLAH. It's sooo frustrating when u want sleep but can't force urself to sleep. I'm restless and tired but not the sleepy tired. I don't know what's wrong with me... reallie... maybe i think to much but thinking keeps u active rite?... eeeHhhh, help.

This is what i should be doing:

Sleep seems so far-fetched... taken in May?
 
so i took a religion test since i was bored and had nothing to do four am in the morning on tickle.com and here's what i got:
 
jade, your belief system is best suited to religions that value open mindedness How do we know? While you were taking this test, we compared your religious beliefs against 10 of the world's most common religions. Your score shows that you share core beliefs with religions that encourage you to find your own spiritual path.You are attracted to a religion that tolerates mixed beliefs about the existence of God and upholds the idea that there is something to be learned from every religion. You are open to a wide variety of religious and spiritual ideas. You are attracted to spiritual groups that are composed of typically open-minded and intellectual people who actively engage in individual exploration of many different spiritual truths.
 
Pretty accurate!  I think religion is almost essential to some and nothing to others and I respect ppl who are, ppl who aren't... but i especially despise ppl that are extremists.  :) 

Our Presidential Doom

While tentively reading the friday sacbee today on the couch,I reverted my attention just in time to catch the NBC news report about the republican and democratic campaigns... might i just say ahead of time that George Bush is a pretentious buffoon who knows not how to differ between a nickel and penny. GET HIM OUT OF OFFICE!

His comments on same sex marriage and his "mission" to set it "right" is absolutely outragous. What kind of human being is to "define marriage"? NO ONE can define love therefore not marriage. Marriage is something beyond just a statement and bond between lovers but an icon that has potential to erraticate bigotry and allow the extent of full and equal rights to all US citizens. It is immorally unjust to ban same sex marriage.. what kind of a liberating nation is this? If marriage should not be a bondage of life between a man and man or woman and woman, what gives heterosexual couples the right to be married? Our simple minded president Bush says he must protect "family values" therefore keep our "traditions" alive. Of what tradition may I ask? WHAT MORE THAN HE WANTS IF LOVE IS IN THE AIR? May not same sex couples live a life like any other couple in this nation?

Aiysh!! I've written on same sex marriage before and i'm not about to regurgitate what I wrote on that blog, so if u'd like to see my argument for same sex marriage, feel free to browse.. otherwise, i'd better stop here before I combust with anger within.

GEORGE BUSH is NOT a leader. and another note, WAT is with his deal and plan of attack for the artic oil reserves? Why don't we ask the gold digging power hungry man we call our President?

HE MAKES ME SOOOO ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY.



SUPPORT SAME SEX MARRIAGE! IT'S ONLY MORAL.


Kerry btw, is also a buffoon, however a better choice than our current mr.bush.

nader is too. omgoodness, the future of america is extremely grave. GOD(S)/GODESS(ES) if there is any, help us all. >< BLAH

The Golden Life

Today is a good day. Quick notes and maybe i'll go back to write on them later when i have the time:

-dropped off my state fair art work
-english 1a stuff returned with a big fat A :)
-went to a used book store and got a billion kazillion paperback fiction to readdd YAY!
-saw some really neat art work by a stranger named mr.maz. and he must have been in his 70s/80s!! a beginning artist but a really cool one with a reallie unique style. awesome possum! :) thanx mr. mas!
-I FINALLY went swimming and taught my little sisters the basics.
-Aiysh, need to do my hw. BLAAAHHHH

currently reading:
the crucible (again for eng1c)
dance hall of the dead by tony hillerman (pretty good thus far)

starting:
Bernard Evslin's Ulysses (yay!)
Homer's the Illiad (quadripple yay!)
Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes(neat book!)
and
Magister Ludi by Herman Hesse (strange but very much me)

sigh.. today is a good day. could be better.. much better but it is a good day. the life i had today has been good to me. thank goodness. :)



OOOHHH YES,

GO LANCE ARMSTRONG! WHOOOTTTT!!!!!!! ><

summer school

is crap.

haha.

BLAH.

Blog 101... sub: movie reviews?

So Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Movie, SUCKS CraPoyLa, thanx. :P New director with a new Dumbledore that will never compare to the old Dumbledore, too many deleted/edited scenes... and if i may say so, anyone who has yet to read the book prior to viewing this grotesque film would never have gotten the plot. Characters during the scene inside the Weeping Willow came off flaky and inferior when they should have been superior. GAH. All in all, it was very much a disappointment to see the BEST book in the series be the WORST movie in the series yet. :P

50 First Dates is an awesome movie... kinda makes me wonder if there IS such a guy out there like Henry (Adam Sandler)... a guy that is so in love he's willing to spend the rest of his life making the grl of his dreams fall in love with him everyday. :) haha. i think only the luckiest women will find "The Guy".



The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath is a superb novel in its own accord. At any rate, Plath is unique as a writer. She's awesome. It's a reflection of herself in the mirror, which talks about her journey through countless meanderings of her mind, her suicidal attempt, and her encounters spent within a psychiatric asylum for most of her adult life. I think I like this book only because I see myself as her shadow.

Yeah, the highlighted extents of my very boring life after HS include reading, sketching, and watching movies...
(I'm so glad i'm done :) yay!)

sleep

Tyme to sleep.. it's almost 4am... have to wake at 7. TRUE LOVE CAFE BABY!

Cure of Insomnia: Gone Quizilla Crazy

FIRST try i got this:

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

SECOND round i'm:

Griffin:
Griffins are gorgeous creatures with the head of an
eagle and the body of a lion. You are smart
and can think on your feet. You also can be a
bit of an airhead and may be called a ditz by
others. You are not dtupid, but in fact, very
intelligent. You are also eager to help others
and are usually docile and submissive. But if
someone offends you you do bite back.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Eh, correct except for the video games i think... eH, it's 1/2 correct.

A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven
albums.

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.



Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool online gothic Game:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

HAHAH.. TOO FUNNIE

You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're
strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass.
Don't forget though, no matter how manly you
think you are, you're still just a doll. God
Bless America.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

yay! minus the mommy part

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

yes

Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

wow. reallie? me? emo? eh, i suppose.

Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...


What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

HUM

Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.
(please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

:)

You belong in the world of leaves and trees, where
the wilderness can claim your soul. Somewhere
like a jungle or a thick wooded forest would be
your world. Intensely in tune with nature, you
feel the world belongs to the natural ways that
once ruled the planet. Be yourself, and
everything will work out. Don't let the grind
of the city destroy your free-as-a-bird nature.


Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahaha.. maybe i was

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
"May barbarians invade your personal
space!"
You are highly confrontational and possibly in a
bad mood. You would have sworn in this quiz,
if I had made it an option.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahahahahaaha. i'm having too much fun with these quizzes

Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]


What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

yummy!!

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

so i'm a storm wreck

You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaha.. apathy. i suppose so, at least when i was taking the quiz! HAHAHA

Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

SO TRUE! LMAO

schizotypal


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

TO DO List?

o yess... dont' you like my new background? Instead of pokka dots on white, it's pokka dots on MIDNIGHT BLUE... INDIGO BLUE! ;) I enjoy it much better. It adds more flavor.

Things i need to do this summer

GO to a native american powwow
Learn how to knit (check)
Learn how to play chess
GO SEE INCUBUS AND THE VINES! (Aug 10th! working on it)
GO SEE HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN! ( :( still waiting for my little sisters to get outta school)
Read like a maniac (MUAahahahaha)
-The Bell Jar
-Angels and Demons
-Others
Run (getting there)
Stars for Alicia (done!)
Go Star Gazing! (if i can find a night when the moonlight won't cause light pollution)
Paint/Sketch like a megalomania (starting up again)
Visit TRUE LOVE CAFE on J St with my sketch book (OO, i think i'm doing that tomorrow! :) sweeettt)

Insomnia once again

I'm too paranoid to sleep because of recurring nightmares.. different every night but constant.... and i'm sick of them. I can't sleep and I can't stay awake neither so I'm a walking zombie if you will... drifting between shadows, in back alleys, and goodness knows where. GAH...

No one is online to talk to and those who are are busy with their own lives.

Today... no, yesterday... no.. today, i started to sketch again. What started as a simple still-life of my little sister sleeping transformed into a distorted and surrealistic composition of myself included. I would have posted it here but my scanner fails me. o well, maybe some other time. It feels so great to be able to sketch freely again.

I think it's after watching Frida that inspired me to be myself again. Watch it if u haven't yet.. but be advise... it's rated R for sexuality and curse words. That movie was spectacular!! so disturbing yet so beautiful... all the lust, treachery, betrayal, loyalty, passion, love, anger, fear, happiness... superfluous emotions all captured and depicted in their own glory. I think in order to appreciate the film, one must look beyond it to understand it. It's sooo ingenius i can't even start to explain the extent of it. :)

On another note, phil and i have been writing to seung who's having such a great time in Korea! :) I'm soo happy for him. Anyhoo, phil started to come up with a name for the three of us with "Chi-Unit".. LOL. Well, i thought it was genius bc it cracks me up everytime but it didnt really include all of us. SOOOOOO, having the spare time i have, i came up with CPR.. (Chi, Pak, and Ramos) HAHAHAHA.. LMAO. .. get it?! hahahahahaahahaha. good job me. well, at the least, i like it. i think it's hilarious ;D dont' you? :) yes, geeky and nerdy but hey! we're all science majors! LMAO.

oo, another movie i saw is WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON (and i've been seeing a lot since i got a blockbuster summer pass now... keehehehehe. swt!). let me just tell u how sweeet that movie is (and this is coming from ME! AMY CHI who RARELY likes the mushy gooshy romance stoof) yesh yesh, it's a chik flik but at any rate, it had a swt ending... the movie itself was alrite... i guess the fact it came out to be a semi-bearable film for romance when i had reallie low expectations for it is the reason why i liked it. bleh.

what else... wat else. eh, i dont knoe. wen i come up with something, i'll let me, myself and i (that's you)... know. WOW. i'm talking to myself. how pathetic! HAHAHAHAHA. after all... i am

>.<

N0RMALLYSTRANGE :)

Fact

Did you know....

The average woman consumes 6 POUNDS of her LIPSTICK in a lifetime?!?!?!

Real Fact #53 from Snapple.com

GROOSSSS! hahaa... good thing i don't wear make up. uugh... >.<

Deja vu

I think i'm about to puke...

:(

damn ulcers... rawrgh :P

My Dearest Cousin Mimi

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...
(CHA CHA CHA)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR

MIMI!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU!

:) I love you and miss you muCho. Best of wishes and luck and may today be sweeter than sweetest for u. :*

Passion

i feel like painting. oooOo.. on concrete! or wood. or sand paper. Oh, i just have this idea....


back to work.


i love acrylic.... which reminds me.... UNIVERSITY ARTS OVER SUMMER + TRUE LOVE CAFE AFTER.. sweeeettttt ;)

Recent Books

I started to read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath...
and only 10 pages into it, I'm already loving it.

Gah, what a beautiful book.

READ IT! :)

Comment bOx Enabled? WhA? \:.

Try "Too Many Things to Carry" ;)

So I finally figured out, also, how to enable "Comments" on this blog. How sweet. As if anyone ever reads and respond to them anyway. Bleh. TOODLES NOODLES.

Chelsa, Brian, Nikki, Rhi.. another snr ball pix. Dont they look hot? ooo. too hot to touch. haha.

Yeah... snr ball was a bit unneccessary

Learning how to post pictures.. HAHA

Yay, I finally learned how to post pictures on my blog.. HAHA, can ya tell i'm bored since school's been out?! >.< Why else would I have figured it out? :) I MISS RHINANNON... AND MY ART PPL. I LOVEEEE UUUU!

Snr Ball.. the Moment we both said "The Hell with It"

Senior Ball. Myself and Annee!

I think this is my favorite picture thus far. Taken right after dinner when we both decided to toss all our baggages aside and just let loose and be carefree. :D I miss her... thanx for sticking with me that nite! *muAh* CCHHEESE~!

Remember

Thank you Trevor for teaching me to look again. I Thank you for reminding me to look at the sky. :) u have my sincere humbleness. The walk was beautiful.

Alica C. I will wish and pray for u.. hold on tight to the faith u have; u are an amazing person with unspeakable strength. May god(s) of all religions bear love for u.

Friends will find you when you are truely lost... I am forever grateful. I love my friends!

Have u seen the sky lately? Or the stars? :)

Mirage too good to be true

It's 3 am Sunday morning; the lonely traffic plays softly in the backdrop while perpetuating pillars of a fan cut quickly through pickets of a barred cage creating an eerie sonnet in the most imaginable ways.

Others may take it as a rattle in the ears that make them wince, but one thing is for sure: the phantom of insomnia has encased me... masker of a dark cape and I wonder when this horror film will end. Perhaps it'll tail off like a feather, light as a rock. Yes, light as a rock I say.

i'm not making much sense, i know...but has or does anyone else.

High school is over and I am delighted to see that I have received my all so seemingly Xeroxed piece of parchment, limp as a fish, as my certificate of completion-- a perfect example of an all too ambitious civilization. I've always wondered why I did the things I did to get to where I am and the answer has come to me. I've wasted four years trying to be someone I am not.

Perhaps you may think I am only going through a transition phase... perhaps very much between phases or maybe I've lingered a bit too long for it to be considered redeemable. I'd like to think it as another renaissance of an archetype for, too great for the greatness to be resembled... too familiar for it to become popular. Can u tell me what the difference is between a football field and a hockey field besides the obvious specific uses and appearances of it? Does it really matter? No. Actually it doesn't. I?m not quite sure if anything is for that matter.

Odd thing is, everything has gone so swell since high school has been over. I mean.. hey I got the scholarship I was looking forward to, I graduated, my parents are allowing me to move out, I got a new cell phone for goodness sakes, and I feel so relaxed at the moment .. Freer than I've ever felt in the past four years

but I'm all too cautious to know that this feeling wont last. Interestingly enough, I will be taking summer courses at city with two of my darling friends: Philip and Seung. I am actually looking forward to doing so and I feel so determined to suit myself in battle arms and brave the cold chafes of imperfection and countless nights of college life. I'm almost convinced that I don't want a break but I do.. I really do.

I left high school on a mildly bitter note. Looking back through the looking glass, high school was merely a speck of this never ending cycle of civil life that I find disgustingly structured but am all too afraid to take the road less traveled by well breaded women/men nowadays.

High school wasn't all that made out to be. not like the dreamful youth and carelessness that everyone said will be the most memorable times of your life. I think its all just a joke and a figure of speech.. I mean scientifically speaking, when you do get older, all u seem to remember is the reasonably latter years previous of.

At any rate, HS was an experience and life of its own. I hated the cliche image of snooty teenage grls and guys that think only materialistic things matter. and yes I'm making an incredibly horrible mistake here to stereotype most entities of Sheldon High but I will. I'm sure we all have emotions and we all have sense deep within ourselves to realize image is only fraud but boy have I been around it long enough to say it poisons the mind like no other substance. The immaturity level of infatuation is highly annoying and I am glad I wont have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore.

Talking to my dear friend Marielle... I've come to realize a lot of things and because of Marielle, I see I am not ashamed to speak of it as a sin...

I realized that I won't be missing a lot of ppl from Sheldon... there are only but few people i will dearly miss and these I will keep in dear contact with for years to come. These few are my savors from insanity's gaping mouth and u know who u are because i'm always willing or buggin u about problems or interests I have/we have.. i thank you soo much for ur advice and counsel.. I am forever in ur debt. on the ohter hand..

Dont get me wrong, I will and already do miss seeing many faces that I've become acquaint with in the past years of middle school and hs... and I will miss what they've done for me or haven't done for me. I am grateful for every last spark of memory... good and bad... shared by those who I have crossed paths in my lifetime thus far.. whether it be a second or a milisecond, i am very honored to encounter those and things I have come in contact with. I've learned much aobut myself and much about the world because of them.

There's a large percentage of me that just want to wipe my slate clean and start a life ... a new life in college... no strings attached... and I may just do it with the exception of family and my dear friends.

gah, too early for me to be thinking too much.. i think my energy is running on empty ... i should continue my contemplation some other day. best of wishes and luck.

GOOD OL' high school graduate CONVERSATION

GOOD OL' high school graduate CONVERSATION


kaY8686: good stuff
kaY8686: ur up quiet late today
kaY8686: i never see u on past 10
kaY8686: haha
MstikalStarGazin: lol
MstikalStarGazin: hahahahahahahaha
MstikalStarGazin: reallie?
kaY8686: ya
MstikalStarGazin: i suppose
kaY8686: unless.. im the one thats never on
MstikalStarGazin: that's because my sister always beats me to it or kicks me off so she can go
MstikalStarGazin: on
MstikalStarGazin: no, ur mostly always on
MstikalStarGazin: so how have u been/
MstikalStarGazin: since schools been OUT?!
MstikalStarGazin: lol
kaY8686: ya, i am
kaY8686: schools good
kaY8686: ronald reagan died
kaY8686: haha
MstikalStarGazin: yes, i knoe
MstikalStarGazin: and u laff?
kaY8686: not like im sad or anything
MstikalStarGazin: hahahahaha
MstikalStarGazin: yeah
MstikalStarGazin: i knoe
kaY8686: i didnt know the guy
MstikalStarGazin: lol
kaY8686: he lived a full life
MstikalStarGazin: yes he did
MstikalStarGazin: so what have u been doing?
kaY8686: ummm
kaY8686: nothing i guess
kaY8686: i didnt see u at sober grad or grad
kaY8686: o wait
kaY8686: i saw u at grad
kaY8686: not sober grad
MstikalStarGazin: lol. i didn't go to sober grad
kaY8686: awww
kaY8686: o well
kaY8686: it was too short
MstikalStarGazin: lol
kaY8686: man
kaY8686: its so hot
MstikalStarGazin: did u have fun at the least?
MstikalStarGazin: hahaha
kaY8686: ya, i did
MstikalStarGazin: always complaining
MstikalStarGazin: that's goood
kaY8686: is that how u think of me?
kaY8686: always complaining?
MstikalStarGazin: no no no
kaY8686: sure
MstikalStarGazin: in general.. the human species
MstikalStarGazin: yes
MstikalStarGazin: i'm sure
kaY8686: r u making fun of me?
MstikalStarGazin: no
MstikalStarGazin: i'm making fun of everyone
kaY8686: r u angry?
MstikalStarGazin: :-)
MstikalStarGazin: what?
MstikalStarGazin: maybe
kaY8686: hahaha
MstikalStarGazin: i'm angry aht the world
MstikalStarGazin: lol
MstikalStarGazin: hahaha
kaY8686: don't u miss hs?
MstikalStarGazin: HEK NO
MstikalStarGazin: OMG
kaY8686: i miss the people
kaY8686: not the place
kaY8686: i miss u, and everyone else
MstikalStarGazin: dont ask me that question because it'll always be a n. o.
kaY8686: hahaha
MstikalStarGazin: lol
MstikalStarGazin: i miss u too
MstikalStarGazin: and everyone else
MstikalStarGazin: well...actually
MstikalStarGazin: i reallie dont miss a lot of ppl
kaY8686: im gonna miss ur happy face at the lunch table
MstikalStarGazin: only certain ppl
MstikalStarGazin: lol
kaY8686: your "happy"
kaY8686: face
MstikalStarGazin: o goodness sung
kaY8686: hahaha
MstikalStarGazin: EEWW
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHA
MstikalStarGazin: i'm not happy
MstikalStarGazin: i'm morb id
kaY8686: cuz u smile
kaY8686: but
MstikalStarGazin: hahaha
kaY8686: i know u wanna decapitate someone
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
MstikalStarGazin: YAH
kaY8686: probably me
kaY8686: but thats ok
kaY8686: i have it coming
MstikalStarGazin: lol
kaY8686: damn
kaY8686: i gotta talk to smoeone thats going to sacstate
kaY8686: do u know anyone else thats going there?
MstikalStarGazin: uMmmm.. lol
MstikalStarGazin: my brother?
MstikalStarGazin: my sister/
MstikalStarGazin: hahaha
MstikalStarGazin: no, i dont reallie know
MstikalStarGazin: jennifer parsons
kaY8686: omg
kaY8686: why would u get my hopes up
kaY8686: i just need to know when to sign up for classes
MstikalStarGazin: jonna is going there too i think
kaY8686: i think shes crc
MstikalStarGazin: ooo
MstikalStarGazin: oooOOh yeah
MstikalStarGazin: yeah
kaY8686: ....
kaY8686: stankin' uc people
MstikalStarGazin: most of student gov are going to sac state
kaY8686: hahahaha
kaY8686: yay for our school leadership
kaY8686: lol
kaY8686: hahahahaha
kaY8686: why is it that that makes me happy
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHAHAHAHA
MstikalStarGazin: LMAO
kaY8686: what?
kaY8686: it does
kaY8686: gj people that tried in school
kaY8686: hahahah
MstikalStarGazin: hahaha
kaY8686: i graduated with 150+ truants
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHA
kaY8686: over all
kaY8686: and im going to the same college as them
kaY8686: hahahahahahahaahah
MstikalStarGazin: lol
MstikalStarGazin: o sung
MstikalStarGazin: we're all finished with HS
kaY8686: omg
kaY8686: u wanna here about this stupid dream
kaY8686: that made me mad?
kaY8686: this was a few days ago
kaY8686: i was sleeping
kaY8686: of course
kaY8686: and the dream was
kaY8686: that i had this huge project due for school
kaY8686: and that i didn't start yet
kaY8686: yes, for hs
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
kaY8686: and when i woke up, i thought i still needed to do it
kaY8686: or i wouldnt graduate
kaY8686: cuz all of my grades were borderline
MstikalStarGazin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
kaY8686: and so for a few seconds
kaY8686: i was panicing
MstikalStarGazin: i need to put this in my blog
MstikalStarGazin: u mind?
kaY8686: go ahead
MstikalStarGazin: lol thanx
kaY8686: and then i remmebered
kaY8686: so, i wasl ike
kaY8686: wtf.. stupid dream
kaY8686: and went back to sleep
kaY8686: but ya, it made me stress about a school i dont even go to
kaY8686: it was that... "i gotta do my hw" kind of stress
kaY8686: too
kaY8686: and that made me hella mad
kaY8686: cuz i had to feel that crap during summer


OH THE JOYS OF HS... YAY! we're donnneeeeee ;)