Quizzes.. the less of my amusements but definately amusing :D

How to make a n0rmallystrange

Ingredients: 5 parts friendliness 1 part ambition 5 parts leadership

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little wisdom if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Element of Wind Part II

kaY8686: ur more free then u think u r
n0rmaLLy Strange: so what is new with u?
kaY8686: accept the fact that u cant change life, but u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: thank you. i do know that. i tend to stay clear of it tho.
kaY8686: there is freedom in the things we do
kaY8686: we are free
kaY8686: u r free
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes but there are obligations we tether ourselves to
n0rmaLLy Strange: without thinking about it
kaY8686: we arent slaves to our own will
kaY8686: our will is what determines our freedom
kaY8686: if we are our own masters, we are in a sense free
n0rmaLLy Strange: indeed but what we can't go on a rampage
n0rmaLLy Strange: there will be chaos
kaY8686: no there wont
n0rmaLLy Strange: for we need to be considerate of others
kaY8686: don't let society place things on ur head
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know that.
kaY8686: because if we are our own slaves and masters, we know whats right and wrong
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm talking fundamentally.
kaY8686: im talking realistically
kaY8686:
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i sense that we're on the same page but going a different rates.
kaY8686: look on the bright side
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes. i am the oxymoron.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm more optimisitc than u think
n0rmaLLy Strange: actually.. i believe that i am more optimistic than most ppl
kaY8686: aren't we pridefull
kaY8686: hahah j/k
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: i said j/K!
n0rmaLLy Strange: i just dont think ppl see me as who i really am.
kaY8686: so ur happy?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: nor am i content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am hopeful
n0rmaLLy Strange: and willful
n0rmaLLy Strange: determined but agitated.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.. therefore ur optomistic?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: ....
kaY8686: hope is meaningless
n0rmaLLy Strange: it is meaningful
kaY8686: because those that hope
kaY8686: arent content
kaY8686: if ur content.. u dont need hope
kaY8686: which would make it useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: not necessarily.
kaY8686: ur hopeful.... because ur not content
n0rmaLLy Strange: depends on how u define hope.
kaY8686: hopeful is like, there is a light at the end of this dark and dreerly tunnel
kaY8686: we hope for better days
kaY8686: we hope for happier times
kaY8686: we hope to be content
n0rmaLLy Strange: i said i am not content. therefore not hopeful but when i am content, i need not hope
n0rmaLLy Strange: hope is my drive
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least for the time being
kaY8686: u know what.....
kaY8686: hope!
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol
kaY8686: hope lost meaning
n0rmaLLy Strange: it has not with me
kaY8686: i cant read it correctly anymore
n0rmaLLy Strange: at least not yet
kaY8686: no. i mean grammitically
kaY8686: hahahaha
kaY8686: it lose meaning in the grammatical sense
n0rmaLLy Strange: without my hope i do not live



perhaps this is why they call me a dreamer. a realist but an idealist.
such an oxymoron. i am SUCH a moron. ><

Element of wind... Part I

happiness is a feeling of joy and excitement but what constitutes happiness? is it money? is it love? is it life?

i do not want to be happy for happiness is ephermeral. captivating and succulent but nonetheless deceiving. content is the word. content is what i want to feel.

i finished Snow:] and i apologize in advance that my blog will not be as spectacular as some may have expected. Snow has, however, left me thought-filled. the book is thoughtful.. well planned. disturbing yet serene. it is beautiful. thank you for telling me to read it. :)

may i write more on it later. time will tell as time will tell most things.

**someone once told me i am the element of wind. i must say i agree.. however now, i am nothing but wind.

a rose petal on the ground, i am... the wind has yet to caress me so i can ride weightless with the wind and earth. or is it that i, as wind, have not prompt action? perhaps this will help aid you in what i feel:

kaY8686: both sn's today again? what's wrong?
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. nothing is wrronng wrong just feeling bleh
n0rmaLLy Strange: ionno.. a lot of stuff happened lately
n0rmaLLy Strange: but what not
n0rmaLLy Strange: how are u?
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: im good!
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of progress today
n0rmaLLy Strange: good! been up to naything?
n0rmaLLy Strange: reallie?
n0rmaLLy Strange: on the fone?
kaY8686: uhh ya ok
kaY8686: im at his place again
n0rmaLLy Strange: ? huh?
n0rmaLLy Strange: care to elaborate a littl emore?
kaY8686: not really...
kaY8686: its not important
kaY8686: but ya
kaY8686: me and my brother made a lot of... progress!
kaY8686: and i am happy
kaY8686: unless he is sad again tomrorow
kaY8686: which is his usual trend
kaY8686: but. im hoping
kaY8686: that we can fix this found problem now
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-) that's great to hear
n0rmaLLy Strange: but why will he be sad?
kaY8686: long story
kaY8686: that would involve personal infringement
n0rmaLLy Strange: umm.. okay.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no need then
n0rmaLLy Strange: i'm glad for u
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy for ur brother. good job sung
n0rmaLLy Strange: :-)
kaY8686: i didnt do anything
n0rmaLLy Strange: u made progress
kaY8686: i just talked to him
n0rmaLLy Strange: exactly
n0rmaLLy Strange: good job
kaY8686: and he made his own progress
kaY8686: so.. im going to talk to u
kaY8686: and we can make some progress!
kaY8686: so u can feel good about life
kaY8686: and so u can wake up happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: hahaha
kaY8686: so ms. chi
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont want to be happy. i just want to be content.
kaY8686: o.. me and my brother called this neutrality
kaY8686: i like content more....
kaY8686: see... i gave up on making him happy
n0rmaLLy Strange: happy carries far more energy and is less likely to linger
kaY8686: i started to make him understand
kaY8686: to understand why he feels the way he does
n0rmaLLy Strange: yeah
kaY8686: which is better
kaY8686: so..
n0rmaLLy Strange: that's my goal. to be content.
kaY8686: i want u to understand
n0rmaLLy Strange: lol.. thanx sung
kaY8686: do u want to be?
kaY8686: do u WANT to be content
kaY8686: think about it
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do. i do. i really do.. however... time will tell
kaY8686: r u making urself feel sad?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i cna't force it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u just lonely?
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.
kaY8686: r u overwhelmed?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes and no.
kaY8686: do u have a vague idea of what it could be?
kaY8686: umm.. does that mean no?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: o ok
kaY8686: haha
n0rmaLLy Strange: no.. it means yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do have an idea
kaY8686: wait.. what?
kaY8686: oo ok
n0rmaLLy Strange: maybe even a clear idea.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know what prompt it.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i know why i'm agitated
kaY8686: what? or who?
n0rmaLLy Strange: but i dont know the answer.
kaY8686: is it what someone did?
n0rmaLLy Strange: yes
kaY8686: was it me?!
n0rmaLLy Strange: no
n0rmaLLy Strange: it's more of a family feud/misunderstanding type of thing. more or less cultural clashes and generation differences and gender discrimination
n0rmaLLy Strange: social injustice
n0rmaLLy Strange: there's a war that lies between persons as well as within onself
n0rmaLLy Strange: *oneself
kaY8686: yes there is
n0rmaLLy Strange: that is all i am consumed by.. and yet, i have no answer.
kaY8686: but why r u letting that side that hurts u win?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i dont ever think i will reach an answer.
kaY8686: give the other side some more ammo!
n0rmaLLy Strange: what hurts me? what hurts me not?
n0rmaLLy Strange: i do not know.
n0rmaLLy Strange: all that i do know is i am bombarded with frustration and agitation.
n0rmaLLy Strange: nonetheless, i am calm
n0rmaLLy Strange: but my mind is furiously racing with thoughts
kaY8686: yes
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: there is nothing i can do.
kaY8686: one day, ur patients will hurt u
kaY8686: why do u have to be patient?
kaY8686: just do somethng
n0rmaLLy Strange: it does not make me content nor will it bring me happiness.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've done quite a lot.
n0rmaLLy Strange: my actions are quite useless
n0rmaLLy Strange: they are what gets me into more trouble
n0rmaLLy Strange: for i am not the only one in this war
n0rmaLLy Strange: not the only mind that contributes to the battle grounds
n0rmaLLy Strange: i am not a lone star.. but a part of a larger system
n0rmaLLy Strange: a speckle of dust
n0rmaLLy Strange: holding no weight
n0rmaLLy Strange: no ground
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've come to accept my fate. though i do not believe in fate.
n0rmaLLy Strange: i've accepted my status and is beginning to understand that what i do is little and what i do will hurt more than help. i will need to be patient
n0rmaLLy Strange: fire is a dangerous element to play with
n0rmaLLy Strange: i will let time wash it.. the wind to dry it.. and the earth to seed my thoughts into theirs
n0rmaLLy Strange: i can only wait...

There is so much...

I want to say.. so much i want to write but everytime i pick up my pen.. or sit in front of this lonely screen, i can't. my thoughts, gnarled, twisted, intertwined... difficult to sound coherent.

cultural wars
generation clashes
parenting vs achieving independence
gender injustice
double standards
balance between respect and opinonated responses

someone help me.. i think i'm falling apart. :[

Nostalgia

Once again, while clearing out my files... a picture i took as a model for an art project:


Demonic.. don't you think? >< i was so proud of myself. i looked evil!

Passing time

i've successfully inflicted physical fatigue to help drone out some mental agitation... but i'm hardly tired. i'm still awake... poofy eyed, aching, and contemplating. my goal for 1am is useless and irrelevant. here's a random doodle i did, unfinished:


random sketch: child asleep, half self portrait, what should i add? the hand can easily morph into an aligator./... trees?


it's official. i'm sick, too. :'(

imperfection of a perfectionist

ugh, i feel like there are a million ants gnawing away my stomach right now. i hate stomach ulcers.. and i hate feeling like this when i'm anxious or nervous.

why am i even stressing over it? im taking a break from my o so very long research paper for psych even though its due in 3 hrs and counting. >< why am i so worried? a worry bug i am, indeed. i have an a, i dont need to do "well" on this project to get an a, so why am i trucking myself over this? why?

self inflicted whys are of great annoyance now. what to do? what to do?

i'm so indecisive.. sooooooo not cool! a imperfection of a perfectionist. that just kills!!!

am i the only one like this? UGH.. i think this'll make my sickness worse. BLAH.

back to work.

deadlines and cognition filled with snippets of songs

I guess i'm FOUR hours shy of the deadline though I did mean to put this up earlier but:

HAPPY 20TH BDAY, STEVEN!
and
HAPPY 19TH BDAY, TREVOR JACKSON!

:)


speaking of deadlines, i have one in approximately 8 hours.. if that! to complete a psychology research paper on the bi/monocular cues, gestalt principles, and theories on visual perception.. hahahahaha. not going well, i might add. I'm on my third page and i'm still in the intro. heeelllppp ><


WHY? why am i so whiny? :P need to stop being whiny. odd, i'm not whiny in person. Oo, blog. my sacrage/outlet, i thank it. :) blah blah blah.


annnddd i didn't keep to my proposal to sleep by 1am because of obligations.
*sigh* maybe tomorrow. mayBE. maybe... mayyyyybe (enter: tune from a SuperLotto commerial.. HAHAHA, WHAT A NERD).

snap back to reality... (eminem) and there she goes (dancing queen).... back to work. ><

Goal

I think i'll really try to force myself to sleep from now on. my bedtime should be and now will be 1:00am. :) and if I achieve that, maybe i can get it up to 12am or 11pm. :P It's 3:30am... I should start practicing, wish me luck. ><

GOODNIGHt. Swtest dreams!

Skillful Artists

The following are photos of art from the Crocker Art Museum that were not ruin by the camera flash.


"French Doors II" 1966 by Robert Behtle, Oil on Canvas 

>>I absolutely admire the skill involved!


"Portrait of My Father" 1972-1979 by Stephen Kaltenbaer 

>>another skillful artist.

"Human in Nature #11" by Fritz Scholder 1990 Mixed Media on Canvas 


>>one of my ALL TIME favorite pieces of art. ;)

Jutted into replay

this song's been stuck in my head for quite some time now although i have no real affiliation of commisery with it.  lol.  oldies are great though corny! 

Carpenters- Close To You

Why do birds suddenly appearEverytime you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls (boys) in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls (boys) in town
Follow you all around.

Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Just like me (Just like me)
They long to be
Close to you.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Hahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Lahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

*the remake of this song by Corinne May is soo beautiful.. she has some incredible pipes!

Frustration and Tolerance

Seeing that i went to sleep around 5 and had to wake up at 9am, today is rather restless.  Summer school english1c is a total drag...  and psychology300 is agony.  I can't stand sitting in a classroom only to listen to the same droning voice of my instructor for two whole hours--without a break! 

I went to Walmart today to get my roll of film developed, which consist of pictures of artwork i took at the Crocker Art Museum last Sunday.  Note, i did request the development as a ONE-hour photo.  So there I was, wandering around the same venue for an hour.  How boring can that be, right?  UGH... well, an hour past and I went back to get my photos (yes, i was in a hurry because it was already 4:30pm and i was late for home with tons of hw and projects to do). 

I gave the receipt to the lady (and mind you their customer service lacks heavily) so she can hurrily get my packet and onto my merry way I'll be, correct?  WRONG!  She went into the back office to scavage hunt my order, but she came back empty handed and WITHOUT ANY SIGN OF GUILT said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait ANOTHER hour because we're all backed up and your order got mixed up under another pile"!!! 

at this point, i'm frustrated but i acquiesced because i can understand that sometimes things just are.  An hour later, i return, thinking this time I'll definately be outta there quick as a fly.  NOT!  Another thirty minutes i waited and i'm completely bedazzled by the incompetency of Walmart to serve the mounting number of customers waiting for service.  Although i was FLUSHED with anger, I decided not to express it so readily, seeing most other consumers were extremely agitated and poignant about their delays (mind them, i've been waiting LONGER, THANK YOU! hmph! >P) . 

When i finally did get my pictures, the person serving me actually had the gratitude to say thank you to me for waiting and for being tolerant for, and i quote, "you are the only customer so far who hasn't yelled at me!"  :)  my anger suddenly dissipated and all i had to give was a weary smile as "you're welcome".  *sigh*  i'm glad i am as tolerant as i can be.  ><

haha, and you'd think i'm okay.. but NOOOOO.... after relieving myself of Walmart frustration, I encased myself in self-frustration... for when i reviewed the photos I took, I realized what i horrible photographer I am.  CLUTZY ol' amy forgot to turn of the "flash" when taking the pictures!!  uggh, i'm soooo mad at myself!!!!!!  all my pictures have huge glares in them, deflective of the WONDERous artwork displayed. UGGH.. why am i sooo maddddd?!  ugh.  i wasted 2 1/2 hrs waiting, a roll of film, and 8 dollars that i could've considerably used for gas since i'm PENNILESS now.  ><  i'm soo broke.  i need a job.  uugh.  AAAYYYISH~!  I'M SOO  MAD AT MYSELF!  ARRGH.  RAWR!  blllaaaahhhhhh.. hahahaha.. aweeeee, i hate this.  why can't i be tolerant of myself?

OH, and another thing happened today. After leaving Walmart, I proceeded to drive to my local library to see if the book i requested (SNOW) arrived yet. As i pulled up to a parking space, this guy, shabby lookin starts walking toward my car. I quickly get out and he nearly approaches me... but I'm a fast walker so cut across the grass to reach the doors of the library just in time as he (as so it seems) attempts to cut in front of me. he had the most devilish look on him and it almost scared the wits outta me considering i've encountered a real stalker before. UGH.. maybe i'm just overreacting... paranoid. i'm always paranoid. blah. COME ANY CLOSER AND I'LL KICK SOME BUTTLOCKS ;) .. btw, my request for snow hasn't arrived yet. BLAH.

on a brighter note:
i won 1st place, again, for the california state fair art exhibit competition!  :) im happy.. and actually surprised.  this time it's for the category of acrylic... and this time around, i also received a special award for it toooooo: cultural heritage award.  yayyy for me.  :]  bleh. 

 
another highlight: yay for my brother, he just got a job today and tomorrow is his 20th bday.  haha.  what an old hag.  ><  i'm kidding!!!  he makes me soo angry sometimes---brothers.. so igonorant!  buuutt i still love him.  HAPPY PRE-BIRTHDAY!

Banes of Disappointment

2 almost 3am tuesday morning... I should be asleep, but instead i'm awake with a feverish headache, a precusor to illness maybe?  I sure hope not.  I hate being sick and i rarely do get sick; and when i do, they're usually horrendous.  I can't sleep... suppose i am spellbound to insomnia.  I tried my luck with remedies such as inducing physical fatigue to help but they have no effect. 
 
at any rate, on the topic of expectations: expectations can ruin the day for anyone.  the worse thing anyone can do is rely on expectations one has for another entity because this leaves room for disappointment if expectations are not met.  emphasis and desire for these expectations to be fulfilled only cause a whole slew of muck.  nonchalance for other tasks while one dwells will soon engulf daily cognition and the ability think rationally/open-mindedly.  expectations will carve a wooden doll out of the mind and tether it to disappointment.  obviously, too great of expectations will result in this manner... but why do we have them?
 
diverting to other random thoughts:
it scares me to think i'm squandering time... because time is ephemeral. 
carpe diem!  Seize the day!  --a concept that is rather ambiguous.  don't you think?  depending on your definition on seizure... the phrase is potent to numerous meanings...
aiysh, can i ever finish my thoughts before the missing the subway stop? 
 
change as the only constant in life... soo fragmented, so unorganized, a jigsaw puzzle if u will... i feel extremely random (which is good and bad). 
 
 
no, no conclusion.  this blog is just IS.  :]
 

Dear (___enter name here__)

I'm clearing out my files on the comp.. and i came across something I wrote early April of this yr, which is semi still relevant to today, thought i might post it, unedited:
 
dear friend:
i dont feel the radiant light that warms my soul anymore.. i dont feel a darn thing.  i'm like a plastered screen tv--- there for the command of others to turn me on and turn me off... functioning like another materialistic paraphernalia.  am i worth anything?  the purpose of me to make my own decisions, walk my own life?  NOTHING.  I'm torn between love (not the romantic kind but the passion kind) and life.  Obedience and disobedience.  I see nothing. nothing for the future of me.  no good, no bad.

i need to leave this life of concealled lies and obscured truths.  i need to live i life i think is worth living for me.  living out in the streets... experience the world for myself where the world is absorbing me, i'm absorbing the world.  i need that connection to click with me.. for it to breathe air into my lungs and awaken me once again...

and when i'm finally there... i will cry but it will be, instead of the tears that i've drained for the sake of sorrow, it will be a cry for joy, of enlightenment, of knowledge that perhaps will be little but is still tangible.  i'm like a child whose environment is her mother's womb; i will be shocked and discomforted when i'm brought to the light, to the raw but embossed reality... but in that moment, i will be happy. 

if i died now, i would not feel a thing... i want to see it.. and i want to feel it.  if i died after my enlightenment, i will simle upon my death and welcome my sweet and endless sleep. it will be bitter sweet but more sweet than bitter. 

i know i'm very selfish to think this of myself... and to grieve over my condolences at this point in time.. and i know others are suffering with their problems as much as i am myself.. and perhaps, on a larger scale, their problems are much more pulsating... but i need this for myself because without it, i am not alive.

i am a walking stupor, fallen deep in the sleep that may not be waken even if i was forced to.  i need this time for me.. and to see me again befoer ei can see others.  this is a selfish act.. and i feel awful for being the self absorbed monster i am.  but until i get over myself... i cannot be the funfilled person i need to be.. i still continue to help others but in those moments, am i feeling the fulfillment or necessity to help another?  is it genuine?  i hope it is.. but i wont be sure until i can feel soemthing real.. and this experience i described above that i hope i will achieve.. that will be a feeling of emotion... of raw expererience.  does that make sense to you?

i hope it does and please forgive me while i combust and swallow my own ashes.  until then, i dont think it is fair for those around me to entitle them to aquaint me as a friend, foe, daughter, student, or person. 

please forgive me. 

-me

pensive thought

having the urge to write... something.. i have a billion kazillion thoughts tail chasing in my head.  but im here with nothing.  i'll note and maybe i'll come back to them.  i need to study psych.  huge test tomorrow.  ughhh, disgusting.  it's late... and i'm still up.  should be studying.. STUDY STUDY... FOCUS FOCUS. 
 
note:
 
crocker art museum
-human in nature #11 by Fritz Scholder (mixed media on canvas)
-wolf in studio
-winter's blue cold
>>magnificent artwork!!
>>grouchy receptionist
>>reallie nice security officer
>>lucky "finder's keeper" incident but guilty conscious hence.. charity.  haha. :P
 
movies:
-crucible
>>sucker for tears @ end
>>human nature
-troy
>>want to see
 
reading:
-tony hillerman's dance hall of the dead
>>page turner!
-snow vs. black violin
>>which oneeee??
-the illiad
>>always a pleaser
-ulysseus by balvid or whatever his name is
>>poor translation/summary of the Odeyssey!!!!!!!  >P
 
own art:
-lack of inspiration
-acrylic on masonite maybe...
-start sketchbook again?
 
miscellaneous:
-family vs independence
-nature vs. nurture
-me vs me.
 
>>STARGAZING=A NEED SOMETIME SOON BEFORE I GO INSANE. 
 
 
back to studying.
 
good day/afternoon/evening to you, whoever you are. 
 
 

Is it Indecisiveness? Anxiety? or Apathy?

Life seems to be a complete 180 turn around lately.. maybe I'm thinking too much but maybe I'm not?  Should i do this or should i do that?  Instinct vs. logic but does not logic include instinct?  ><  i'm a tiny spider (ughh.. and i hate spiders... and yes, maybe i do hate myself sometimes) dangling on its thin webby string in a summer storm.. and the wind carries me... succumbs every bit of my lungs, instantaneously expanding my lungs to its fullest capacity perhaps almost suffocating me.. crushing my sinews... and splater what is left of me onto the ground.  I love life because there's so much more to learn but i'M SICK OF life although i have every possible necessity in order to survive.  i have every body part intact and vital organs to serve me the purpose of homeostasis.  I often ponder what life'll be like if i am not the amy chi i've made myself to become today.  what if i was a total definant child whose rage and anger devoured me wholly?  what if i was bashful and completely igonorant (which i am, everyone is)?  what if this, what if that?
 
I know, i've been such a hermit lately.. but i can't help it.  I keep making up excuses for myself and others to not go out, not to talk, not to do anything.  Anxiety swallows my self-confidence and self-conscious thoughts immediately flare into action.  It's not that i'm afraid of meeting new ppl or updating my life with friends.. it's more like a feeling of apathy.  And yes, i've been extremely apathetic lately and it kills me to think i am.  I dont like it and i dont want it.. and yet i am it.  BLAH.  get me outta this nightmare.  What am i doooinng?
 
and yet, i am content.  discontent.  I'M SUCH A CONTRADICTION! 
 
i am content at the moments i feel hermit like bc life is going well, no one bothers me.. no one to intrude my personal bubble.  but i'm discontent because i miss being with my friends.. i miss going out and having fun.. being careless.  and at the same time, i enjoy it.. i'm much more observant.. as i'd like to think i often am.. but a lot more alert.  why>?  why am i doing this to myself?  why can't i be completely content?  why? 
 
 
WHY DO I ALWAYS ASK WHY WHENI DONT HAVE AN ANSWER?  WHY DOES ANYONE?
hahaha.. i'm sooo angry at myself that i'm laaughing soo hard i dont even know what happened to begin with.  why?
 
hahahah..
 
 
gah.  what a gloomy update.  though, in reality, i'm not extremely glum.. i'm not reallie at all. 
 
how odd.
 
btw, reason y i havne't updated in a while = i wanted to keep my entry "Mirage too good to be true" on the blog page bc i reallie liked that entry.  but anyhoo.  the world keeps turning, and i'm stuck with it. 
  
i want to drop summer school entirely and STOP ALL TIME, go on a road trip or something and just READ.... DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. 
 
 
MAYBE, i just need to get away from this suburban life.
 
I suddenly have an urge for nature.  i do.  i reallie realie do.  somewhere quite..
 
i know what i want.
 
i want tranquility.  :]

Sports and Stuff

SPorts:

I told myself to take note of this earlier but never did bc of time constraints but has anyone been watching the summer olympic trials for track and field?

YAY for M. Greene!! Men's Track and Field
I can't believe Marion Jones didnt make it in the Women's Track and Field!! That was a shocker.

OOOhhh.. and then to biking:
I CAN'T BELIEVE ARMSTRONG.. :(

awee, what a sports diappointment lately

StuFF:

As soon as i convince my mom, i need to go buy INCUBUS TICKETS! goodness sakes, i need to gooo :) it'll be my first concert ever. it'll be awesome.. but u knoe what?

i'm penniless.. :'( as of now. bleeehhh i guess i'll have to be patient.

Wnat to do list:
-go to a native american powwow (either the one this month or next)
-go to incubus concert
-have summer school be done and over with so i can read MY books
-go to great america or some sort of theme park with ROLLERCoaSters before i start college
-learn how to play chess
and so on


so much to do yet so little time.

:( Insomnia realile SUCKS

I'm so tired of staying up... but i can't sleep. TWO NIGHTS NOW AND NO SLEEP! BLAH. It's sooo frustrating when u want sleep but can't force urself to sleep. I'm restless and tired but not the sleepy tired. I don't know what's wrong with me... reallie... maybe i think to much but thinking keeps u active rite?... eeeHhhh, help.

This is what i should be doing:

Sleep seems so far-fetched... taken in May?
 
so i took a religion test since i was bored and had nothing to do four am in the morning on tickle.com and here's what i got:
 
jade, your belief system is best suited to religions that value open mindedness How do we know? While you were taking this test, we compared your religious beliefs against 10 of the world's most common religions. Your score shows that you share core beliefs with religions that encourage you to find your own spiritual path.You are attracted to a religion that tolerates mixed beliefs about the existence of God and upholds the idea that there is something to be learned from every religion. You are open to a wide variety of religious and spiritual ideas. You are attracted to spiritual groups that are composed of typically open-minded and intellectual people who actively engage in individual exploration of many different spiritual truths.
 
Pretty accurate!  I think religion is almost essential to some and nothing to others and I respect ppl who are, ppl who aren't... but i especially despise ppl that are extremists.  :) 

Our Presidential Doom

While tentively reading the friday sacbee today on the couch,I reverted my attention just in time to catch the NBC news report about the republican and democratic campaigns... might i just say ahead of time that George Bush is a pretentious buffoon who knows not how to differ between a nickel and penny. GET HIM OUT OF OFFICE!

His comments on same sex marriage and his "mission" to set it "right" is absolutely outragous. What kind of human being is to "define marriage"? NO ONE can define love therefore not marriage. Marriage is something beyond just a statement and bond between lovers but an icon that has potential to erraticate bigotry and allow the extent of full and equal rights to all US citizens. It is immorally unjust to ban same sex marriage.. what kind of a liberating nation is this? If marriage should not be a bondage of life between a man and man or woman and woman, what gives heterosexual couples the right to be married? Our simple minded president Bush says he must protect "family values" therefore keep our "traditions" alive. Of what tradition may I ask? WHAT MORE THAN HE WANTS IF LOVE IS IN THE AIR? May not same sex couples live a life like any other couple in this nation?

Aiysh!! I've written on same sex marriage before and i'm not about to regurgitate what I wrote on that blog, so if u'd like to see my argument for same sex marriage, feel free to browse.. otherwise, i'd better stop here before I combust with anger within.

GEORGE BUSH is NOT a leader. and another note, WAT is with his deal and plan of attack for the artic oil reserves? Why don't we ask the gold digging power hungry man we call our President?

HE MAKES ME SOOOO ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY.



SUPPORT SAME SEX MARRIAGE! IT'S ONLY MORAL.


Kerry btw, is also a buffoon, however a better choice than our current mr.bush.

nader is too. omgoodness, the future of america is extremely grave. GOD(S)/GODESS(ES) if there is any, help us all. >< BLAH

The Golden Life

Today is a good day. Quick notes and maybe i'll go back to write on them later when i have the time:

-dropped off my state fair art work
-english 1a stuff returned with a big fat A :)
-went to a used book store and got a billion kazillion paperback fiction to readdd YAY!
-saw some really neat art work by a stranger named mr.maz. and he must have been in his 70s/80s!! a beginning artist but a really cool one with a reallie unique style. awesome possum! :) thanx mr. mas!
-I FINALLY went swimming and taught my little sisters the basics.
-Aiysh, need to do my hw. BLAAAHHHH

currently reading:
the crucible (again for eng1c)
dance hall of the dead by tony hillerman (pretty good thus far)

starting:
Bernard Evslin's Ulysses (yay!)
Homer's the Illiad (quadripple yay!)
Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes(neat book!)
and
Magister Ludi by Herman Hesse (strange but very much me)

sigh.. today is a good day. could be better.. much better but it is a good day. the life i had today has been good to me. thank goodness. :)



OOOHHH YES,

GO LANCE ARMSTRONG! WHOOOTTTT!!!!!!! ><

summer school

is crap.

haha.

BLAH.

Blog 101... sub: movie reviews?

So Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Movie, SUCKS CraPoyLa, thanx. :P New director with a new Dumbledore that will never compare to the old Dumbledore, too many deleted/edited scenes... and if i may say so, anyone who has yet to read the book prior to viewing this grotesque film would never have gotten the plot. Characters during the scene inside the Weeping Willow came off flaky and inferior when they should have been superior. GAH. All in all, it was very much a disappointment to see the BEST book in the series be the WORST movie in the series yet. :P

50 First Dates is an awesome movie... kinda makes me wonder if there IS such a guy out there like Henry (Adam Sandler)... a guy that is so in love he's willing to spend the rest of his life making the grl of his dreams fall in love with him everyday. :) haha. i think only the luckiest women will find "The Guy".



The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath is a superb novel in its own accord. At any rate, Plath is unique as a writer. She's awesome. It's a reflection of herself in the mirror, which talks about her journey through countless meanderings of her mind, her suicidal attempt, and her encounters spent within a psychiatric asylum for most of her adult life. I think I like this book only because I see myself as her shadow.

Yeah, the highlighted extents of my very boring life after HS include reading, sketching, and watching movies...
(I'm so glad i'm done :) yay!)

sleep

Tyme to sleep.. it's almost 4am... have to wake at 7. TRUE LOVE CAFE BABY!

Cure of Insomnia: Gone Quizilla Crazy

FIRST try i got this:

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

SECOND round i'm:

Griffin:
Griffins are gorgeous creatures with the head of an
eagle and the body of a lion. You are smart
and can think on your feet. You also can be a
bit of an airhead and may be called a ditz by
others. You are not dtupid, but in fact, very
intelligent. You are also eager to help others
and are usually docile and submissive. But if
someone offends you you do bite back.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Eh, correct except for the video games i think... eH, it's 1/2 correct.

A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven
albums.

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.



Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool online gothic Game:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

HAHAH.. TOO FUNNIE

You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're
strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass.
Don't forget though, no matter how manly you
think you are, you're still just a doll. God
Bless America.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

yay! minus the mommy part

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

yes

Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

wow. reallie? me? emo? eh, i suppose.

Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...


What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

HUM

Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.
(please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

:)

You belong in the world of leaves and trees, where
the wilderness can claim your soul. Somewhere
like a jungle or a thick wooded forest would be
your world. Intensely in tune with nature, you
feel the world belongs to the natural ways that
once ruled the planet. Be yourself, and
everything will work out. Don't let the grind
of the city destroy your free-as-a-bird nature.


Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahaha.. maybe i was

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
"May barbarians invade your personal
space!"
You are highly confrontational and possibly in a
bad mood. You would have sworn in this quiz,
if I had made it an option.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahahahahaaha. i'm having too much fun with these quizzes

Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]


What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

yummy!!

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

so i'm a storm wreck

You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaha.. apathy. i suppose so, at least when i was taking the quiz! HAHAHA

Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

SO TRUE! LMAO

schizotypal


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

TO DO List?

o yess... dont' you like my new background? Instead of pokka dots on white, it's pokka dots on MIDNIGHT BLUE... INDIGO BLUE! ;) I enjoy it much better. It adds more flavor.

Things i need to do this summer

GO to a native american powwow
Learn how to knit (check)
Learn how to play chess
GO SEE INCUBUS AND THE VINES! (Aug 10th! working on it)
GO SEE HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN! ( :( still waiting for my little sisters to get outta school)
Read like a maniac (MUAahahahaha)
-The Bell Jar
-Angels and Demons
-Others
Run (getting there)
Stars for Alicia (done!)
Go Star Gazing! (if i can find a night when the moonlight won't cause light pollution)
Paint/Sketch like a megalomania (starting up again)
Visit TRUE LOVE CAFE on J St with my sketch book (OO, i think i'm doing that tomorrow! :) sweeettt)

Insomnia once again

I'm too paranoid to sleep because of recurring nightmares.. different every night but constant.... and i'm sick of them. I can't sleep and I can't stay awake neither so I'm a walking zombie if you will... drifting between shadows, in back alleys, and goodness knows where. GAH...

No one is online to talk to and those who are are busy with their own lives.

Today... no, yesterday... no.. today, i started to sketch again. What started as a simple still-life of my little sister sleeping transformed into a distorted and surrealistic composition of myself included. I would have posted it here but my scanner fails me. o well, maybe some other time. It feels so great to be able to sketch freely again.

I think it's after watching Frida that inspired me to be myself again. Watch it if u haven't yet.. but be advise... it's rated R for sexuality and curse words. That movie was spectacular!! so disturbing yet so beautiful... all the lust, treachery, betrayal, loyalty, passion, love, anger, fear, happiness... superfluous emotions all captured and depicted in their own glory. I think in order to appreciate the film, one must look beyond it to understand it. It's sooo ingenius i can't even start to explain the extent of it. :)

On another note, phil and i have been writing to seung who's having such a great time in Korea! :) I'm soo happy for him. Anyhoo, phil started to come up with a name for the three of us with "Chi-Unit".. LOL. Well, i thought it was genius bc it cracks me up everytime but it didnt really include all of us. SOOOOOO, having the spare time i have, i came up with CPR.. (Chi, Pak, and Ramos) HAHAHAHA.. LMAO. .. get it?! hahahahahaahahaha. good job me. well, at the least, i like it. i think it's hilarious ;D dont' you? :) yes, geeky and nerdy but hey! we're all science majors! LMAO.

oo, another movie i saw is WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON (and i've been seeing a lot since i got a blockbuster summer pass now... keehehehehe. swt!). let me just tell u how sweeet that movie is (and this is coming from ME! AMY CHI who RARELY likes the mushy gooshy romance stoof) yesh yesh, it's a chik flik but at any rate, it had a swt ending... the movie itself was alrite... i guess the fact it came out to be a semi-bearable film for romance when i had reallie low expectations for it is the reason why i liked it. bleh.

what else... wat else. eh, i dont knoe. wen i come up with something, i'll let me, myself and i (that's you)... know. WOW. i'm talking to myself. how pathetic! HAHAHAHAHA. after all... i am

>.<

N0RMALLYSTRANGE :)

Fact

Did you know....

The average woman consumes 6 POUNDS of her LIPSTICK in a lifetime?!?!?!

Real Fact #53 from Snapple.com

GROOSSSS! hahaa... good thing i don't wear make up. uugh... >.<