Expansion

I came across a few things this week that enlighten me to what really makes me happy; ultimately, my journey in learning how to let go is beginning to shed light. There's a community center about half a mile from my home that's been fully refurbished and remodeled-- equipped with a new gym for basketball and volleyball. There's also a mini fitness room, computer room, games room, and several conference rooms as well as a mini library where you can check out novels. It has a huge potential to be put to some good use: it could be a safe haven and great resource center for children and people of our community, esp. since I live in a less fortunate neighborhood (the ghettos, if you will). Unfortunately, there isn't much going on there yet, perhaps because of budget cuts and so forth; but I would hate to see such a great facility go to waste. I was thinking that maybe I can volunteer some time there and hopefully work with the people there on some expansion ideas of how to better serve our community. I can't tell you how excited I was to see the place and the urge and want to help out and create something wonderful. Hm. It's on the bucket list.

Anyway, so much more to talk about but not enough time. Good night.

i dont need it. i dont want it. i dont want it at all. but why does it hurt so bad? FML. i dont get it. someone help?

I won't give up and I won't give in. it'll break me into more pieces and i'll take too long to recover. it can't and WON'T happen. FOOLISHNESS!

In love again

Ahhh.. I can't stop thinking about fencing!! XD I'm in love again after only one day of barely any practice on Wednesday. I started practicing footwork at home yesterday before bed because I couldn't stop thinking about fencing while laying in bed. haha. I'm super sore today, but it hurts good. lol. I woke up this morning, late for work... but that's okay because there's absolutely noone there who's on my tail. While trying to study at work, I came up with this brillant idea to train my left hand coordination--- letter tracing!!! Okay, it isn't brillant, but I figure I better work on coordination in addition to strength training.. and what better way than to do tedious writing? If i can write decently with my left-hand, then i shouldn't really have a problem with small, delicate bladework movements with my fingers... in theory?

So tentative daily plan goal:

Tracing letters A-Z upper/lower case (4x)
Left forearm strength training starting with 2 lbs
Cardio workout for at least half hr
Footwork: advance x 10. retreat x 10. advance lunge x 5. retreat lunge x 5. repeat set x 2. double advance, retreat, lunge x 10.
Core strength training? hmm.. idk yet.

It starts tonight after sushi and studying. So much to do in so little time!

Love! :)

Dilemma

Not too long ago (maybe a few months) on gchat:

me: RAWRRRRRR!!!!
CW: rawr!
me: pounce claw claw* bite sigh of satisfaction :)
la la la la la la. :) i missssss you
CW: im not sure if i do
you want to eat me!
scary!
me: :(
fine.
CW: he he
me: stay scared
for the rest of your life
CW: just kidding
i miss you
your claws don't scare me
me: i dont need christopher flesh. i dont need your pity neither
CW: lol
ohhhh you neeed christopher flesh!
me: you're leaving me anyway. pshhh, i'll forget about you
CW: no don't say that
:(
i was only kidding :( :(
are you actually sad?
me: yes
CW: why?
me: i dont know. i just am.
CW: i was only trying to make a joke
i do actually miss you
i liked that line you wrote
i was just trying to be funny
im sorry
me: i know you were joking
CW: so why are you sad?
me: i dont know. it doesnt make it any easier that you are leaving one day and may
not miss me anymore
CW: just cos im leaving doesn't mean i won't miss you

_________
Funny it all came true. I'm here. Sad and missing.
And he's gone. There, without the missing--not even the slightest bit.

Does it hurt?
yes.

But will I dwell?
I'm trying my best not to.

What am I going to do?
I'm debating whether not to hit the "delete CW" button from facebook. aim. gchat. gmail. From my life, really.

Am I hesitant?
yes.

Any votes/suggestions??
please, do share.

estatic!

love love love love love!

An inspiring professor I had in high school once said, "if you hate it enough, you'll change it."

Well, change is in the air because I am taking one step at a time to ensure myself a natural high that have been missing from my life way too much for way too long.

I am committing myself to fencing again, but this time with my left- instead of my right-hand. I have dubbed myself noob status and am determined to work my way from bottom up all over again. I'm sure there will be a lot of hurdles to jump and kinks to smooth out; many o' obstacles in the way, but I hope my patience will pay off in the end. I don't care if I ever compete again (which is ideal and my ultimate goal); all I want is just to be able to fence again. And today is Day 1 of change. There are no words that can clearly express and surmise how awesome it feels to be back in the salle again and NOT be the spectator. Although I haven't gained much from tonight and how ever hard it was to watch the advance fencers do their footwork/bladework and free fencing, wishing I was right along side them while standing with the noobs, I am not going to give up. I'll be there again eventually; but for now, I am a noob. Once, twice, and thrice over.

I'm psyched!! :)

P.S. You know, I've always wondered why all the guys I've dated in the past were lefties--ironic and out of coincidence of course. And although none remains as my "other half" today, it seems lefty-ness will never fail to be any less notable in my life for I am finally going to be a lefty myself. Does that make me whole? hahah... how peculiar! Maybe that just means I'm destined to be a lone star. Maybe I'm just really not cut out for relationships. I was never gf material, probably never will be (I know, it really doesnt have anything to do with anything.. but oh the irony kind of tickles my fancy. haha) Cheerios! :D

Quarter-life Crisis

"Unrelenting indecision, isolation, confusion and anxiety about working, relationships and direction is reported by people in their mid-twenties to early thirties who are usually urban, middle class and well-educated; those who should be able to capitalize on their youth, unparalleled freedom and free-for-all individuation. They can’t make any decisions, because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they want because they don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who they are because they’re allowed to be anyone they want."
-http://www.misanthropytoday.com/quarterlife-crisis/

I don't think I'm having a 'crisis' although the article depicts me thoughts almost perfectly. I just want to be wonderful again because I certainly don't feel like I am. *sigh* I want to paint, draw, and fence again... but where has the time gone? When will I get to pick up from where I left them?

5 year plan? My bucket-list? it's in the works...

Autumn nostalgia.

Long day at work today.

Today's weather felt like autumn: partly cloudy with a slight breeze, not too cold; it was perfect.

Maybe it is because of my chemical imbalance due to what is about that time of the month or maybe it's because I still don't understand how it all happen so quickly from smooth sailing to abandon ship, but I found myself crying the moment I stepped outside after being cooped up in the lab today. It wasn't because I had a bad day, but I caught myself by surprised when I had an almost immediate, sudden flashback memory of what it was like to be with him when we first became an 'item' around this time of year. And once I started, the memories came back like a tsunami; I was happy and he never failed to make all my troubles go away with a simple hug or squeeze of my hand. I miss that. A lot. Funny that. And the only memories that came back today were good memories, which made the tears worse, even though we had our fair share of bad ones. I guess I really did love him at some point. And I guess I'm really not all that over it as much as I believed I was. The tears came and went; after a while, I had enough of feeling sorry for myself and forced myself to be reminded of all of the good things that come with being single again. lol. Funny what the weather can do to a person and how strongly emotions are wicked by our sensory perception.
Ugh, I hate this. I thought I was done and over with it. It felt like it just crept out of nowhere... like an ambush. I'm just wondering when the next unexpected moment is going to creep up on me again, ya know? Or when these unexpected moments will cease completely; I sure hope they do because the aftertaste is yucky. I feel like taking a hammer and beating the hell out of these ambushes so they can't come back again. Ever.

Too much sappiness. Time for bed. Good night. :)

Back to being groovy :D

what a wonderful day at work. :) smiles are contagious. maybe i really am the peppy one... it feels really great to be back!


on the other hand, i had a really bad desire to go fence today. :( too bad i'm in no shape to do so. :'(

*cheese* :)

Rust359 (11:27:29 PM): nite u!! miss ya too
Rust359 (11:27:51 PM): could never be another like u

*awwwww* quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone have said to me. :) :) <3 you!

Stages

There are five stages of grief... different for everyone but there are always five.

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Just when you think it's over, it comes right back to take your breath away.

Sometimes it hurts so bad, you cannot breathe. That's when you know you survived.

The little things that made me giggle today

At the end of lecture today, my clinical chemistry instructor said, "I hope we get to keep you, Amy. You're so cute." I especially chuckled when she said I was "peppy" and would be a "fun and wonderful person to work with." Lol, do you see the irony? Amy, peppy. Hmm... interesting mix. Anyway, she said I reminded her of her daughter (she's about 50 and has long white/grey hair) and that made me smile. :)

The fungal species name Malassezia furfur also makes me giggle. It can be isolated from the blood of infants taking lipid milk powered supplements; the addition of olive oil is a must need if you want to culture it in vitro.

Oh yes, reading a conversation i saved from ages ago which i had with Kevin Bauer when he was drunk, post-o-chem days ;D. tee hee hee.
And the dream I had yesterday about Kasey ballooning to a size like Manuel Uribe and becoming a recluse and outcast of society, but the fact that I still love him very much. lol.

... la dee da. so much to do in so little time. aim high. fly higher.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why? why do i care?

why does it make me feel like crap? why do i feel so apathetic, then?

this is stupid.

good night.

people that make my heart swell :)

Hiking = amy :)

Hiking with good company = amy super :)

Akshay Dhupelia, you rock my socks.
Jackie Chan, you're a crazy kid.
and
Ernie Chu, you always make me feel like home.

:) Thanks for a lovely Saturday. Love you all!

The end.

: \

Today is _________. I don't really have anything to say. I don't know what I am. There are no words to explain how I feel. I'm empty for words. Perhaps the closest word that comes to mind is "disheartened." Or maybe just "empty."

Benny and Joon comes to save my day. I forget how wonderful that movie is. Oh, and the song in the movie by Joe Cocker-- Have a Little Faith In Me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Give these loving arms a try baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You know time, time is our friend
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough.

Sigh. Benny and Joon. Oh, and I suppose silence too:


"True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had." -Ozge Dilsiz


I miss you, Daniel Kasey Estrada. And thank you. :\ :]

:[

i'm running out of steam... blarghhh.... where did it all go?

:[


on another note, i surprised myself today while watching an episode of grey's anatomy: although the human body and mind have a miraculous ability to heal, a crushed heart does not heal as quickly nor easily as i thought. foolishness.

hmmm... the end.



it's 9/11. there's so much to say, so much to ponder. but i have no energy. things will just have be left unsaid. for now.

waiting on the next best _________

i am tempted to

punch holes in my infallible memory.
to,
erase the evidence of your void,
your
ephemeral love facade.

i will waste no time of yours.
fear not.

the north winds will catch me,
breathe life into my sails...

away, hither, tither.



no where you are.

:) Feeling warm and fuzzy inside. :)

So I discovered this guy's amazing pipes a year or so ago on YouTube doing a cover on Coldplay-- Viva la vida. I didn't know he wrote til now! Anyway, thought this song is really adorable: Enjoy.

:) ciao

Still searching... searching... searching...

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2004/06/mirage-too-good-to-be-true.html#links

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2004_07_20_archive.html

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2004/09/no-longer-hostage.html

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2004/12/itching-for-leisure-for-time-for.html

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2005/08/mirror-mirror-on-wall.html

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2005_08_09_archive.html

searching for me

Literally. Figuratively. And reading and writing in between lines.

I'm debating whether not to delete my last post, mostly because I didn't really mean it. I mean-- I meant it but I didn't mean it, mean it. I was a tad sensitive to the whole ordeal and had sort of preposterous expectations for my friend.

Not to make excuses to buy myself out of my own actions, but I suppose the main reason for my last post was mainly to vent. I felt like I was losing a friend and didn't want the circumstances of his moving away to affect our friendship...

Ugh, this is already beginning to sound like high school or rather like when I had to move to a different elementary school when I was in 4th grade: I simply got attached to the comfort of seeing my friends everyday that I didn't want to leave them and thought it was totally unfair where life has taken us. The same applies here.

I've seen the guy off a bijillion times, one too many. In fact, I didn't even want to go/stay at the last get-together we had with friends, which was supposed to be just for fun and NOT another goodbye for him but in which everyone treated it like one anyway. And at the end of the night, I didn't say goodbye because I didn't want it to be about goodbyes. Well, good going then because that was the last I saw of him; I loss my chances to say goodbye because I was stubborn. So yes, I was angry at myself. And I was really sad I didn't get my last chance to say goodbye. I really did want to see him off one last time... but I was too stubborn to admit my stubbornness and own fault when I wrote my last blog. Make sense?

Eh, it doesn't matter if I'm being coherent, as long as I know what my rationale was for writing what I wrote. I would apologize to my audience and/or to my friend (if anyone actually reads this piece of crap), but I will refrain from doing so because ultimately, this blog isn't for anyone but myself. This blog is my sanctuary, my dumping ground for important/unimportant ideas, thoughts, summations... things that I just don't have enough room in my head to keep track of... a place where insanity and sanity means everything and nothing at all... and where entries are sometimes literal, sometimes figurative, and sometimes meant to be read in between lines.

So in conclusion to my debate, the answer is no. I will not delete my last post. It is what it is for reasons beside the literary and figurative speech.

Good night.

It takes two in any friendship; but often times one is willing to give more than the other. When do you let go? When do you deem that the other person just isn't worth your time?

Door's always open. You just have to walk through it. But I'm not going to chase after you, coaxing you to come through anymore.

______________________________________

Note to self.

Dear Self:

In the relentless effort to tell you how much time you're squandering:

LET IT GO!
He's not coming back. And even if he is, he's not coming back for you. You're no longer important in his life. You're merely just a girl of his past. Another one of those, "ugh, she's calling again? What does she want now?" type of person in his life. He didn't even bother to say goodbye and he is not going to bother calling you back now. He hasn't yet, so what makes you think he will in the next few days he has left? So why get all hung up about saving this friendship? You know he doesn't deem you worthy of his time. Chill out. Strive to be better without him. You know you can do it.
Even you said you were over it. Of course, you're over the relationship but you're not over how distant your friendship has become right? Pffft, well, hell, you've got a million people who value your time and your friendship more than he. Why should you care? WHY SHOULD YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU? Be logical, woman. You're worth more than that and your education sure as well is worth more than that. So buckle up. Chin up. Head high. Shoulders straight. March forward and don't look back.

Love,
Self

P.S. Don't let bitterness tempt you, even if it is the easiest way out to forget someone. You're better than that. :)

Now, focus! :)

Habits. Humbug.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: that is my relentless habit of trying to save a friendship perhaps unworthy of my attention, concern, and love because it takes two to make it work. It isn't that this friendship has gone sour, oh no. This friendship came and it bloomed, but now the distance... the vagueness... the emptiness... and loss of caring from the other party. It recalls the same ideas and values an entry I wrote a few years ago on my birthday:

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2006/02/life-death-love-truth-honesty-and.html

"i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love... i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.

"I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).

"I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimism again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways.

"... there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty."


Meh, I'm over it. Or at least I tell myself that. We'll see in time. Bleh. whatever. I'm tired. Good night. Excuse the poor grammar and spelling and word choices... ciao.

Silly me

To say the least, I've been feeling like death lately after coming down with the flu (perhaps?). I've been sent home from work by my supervisor, who almost is like a second mom to me, twice now in two weeks! Embarrassing, no?

Ugh, the accumulation of pages and work I have to read, write, and do is amounting to a hefty mountain of sorts. No doubt, I'll double the furnace tonight and the fire shall burn through the weekend. I will divide and conquer... no paper will be left unread nor pathogenic genus of organism left unraveled! ---okay, so what if I'm bluffing just a tad? Aim high. Fly higher. Right? :P

Aside from feeling the breathe of death constantly on my neck, I've been feeling like a recluse of society... perhaps that's mainly from me avoiding faces so that I, oh reservoir of flu, won't accidentally spread me germs and dub myself title of Patient Zero of Index Case of whatever it is that I have. SWINEEEEEEE? HAHA. Or is it that I've been cast out from the realms of society simply because everyone else is avoiding me who knows I'm sick? Hmm....

And just when I was about to pick up my phone in hopes of alleviating this alienated aloofness that's consummated my week and has sort of put me in doldrums, I receive a sweet text message from my friend Akshay asking me if I was feeling any better. :) It was a simple message, but it certainly made my day. Then, ironically, the gates to a little TLC broke open thereafter. Akshay's text was followed by a call from mommy asking to see if I was okay and if I needed anything. (Awweeee, I'm still loved!) haha. And next thing I know, my gramps came in to give me some hot tea. *glee* The marmalade of events tickles my fancy and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. haha.. and I'm basking in it. :) :) Silly me to think I am any less shy of being the luckiest girl alive to have such awesome family and friends.

RAWR!

i want...

sigh. i want to do a lot of things.

i want to bask in glory and happiness with old friends and new.
i want to enjoy the company of my family but not feel like i'm being held down.
i want to finish my program and perhaps move away.
i want to have a fresh new start-- a different beginning.
i want to be excited about something new and have someone to share the excitement with.
i want to remember what i was like to have a goal in life.
i want to be proud in what i do and more importantly be content in being the best that i can be.
i want to make mistakes and learn from them.
i want to laugh and cry.
i want to feel boundless and restriction free.
i want to absolutely be crazy about life and live it to the fullest.

and i want you to come along with me as i continue my journey.

i miss you all, my loves. you haven't the slightest clue. ;) love love love love love!

there's something exciting around the corner and i cant wait to find out what it is... for better or worse. hello, future! <3!

Love & Life - Albert Einstein

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man/woman of deeds and not for the man/woman of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man/woman you love but with the man/woman who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving; it only means that you allow that person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn’t mean you failed in love.

Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, no past so bitter that love cannot accept, and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.


________________________
And here's a beautiful song that said it all for me at one point but no longer.

One "AWE and then some" night!

homecookin din din for two + a bottle of petite sirah + lemon bar, champagne cake, mint chocolate mousse, and orange meringue cake + crayons + paper + good company = a wonderful night! <3!!!! emily tung, best idea ever :)



and to Michael, the english political studies Ph.D. student from York, UK... if you're out there: I'M SOOO SORRY! :D cherrios~ hurray for random meetings of new faces! :) i hope our lives croass again in the future~