Literally. Figuratively. And reading and writing in between lines.

I'm debating whether not to delete my last post, mostly because I didn't really mean it. I mean-- I meant it but I didn't mean it, mean it. I was a tad sensitive to the whole ordeal and had sort of preposterous expectations for my friend.

Not to make excuses to buy myself out of my own actions, but I suppose the main reason for my last post was mainly to vent. I felt like I was losing a friend and didn't want the circumstances of his moving away to affect our friendship...

Ugh, this is already beginning to sound like high school or rather like when I had to move to a different elementary school when I was in 4th grade: I simply got attached to the comfort of seeing my friends everyday that I didn't want to leave them and thought it was totally unfair where life has taken us. The same applies here.

I've seen the guy off a bijillion times, one too many. In fact, I didn't even want to go/stay at the last get-together we had with friends, which was supposed to be just for fun and NOT another goodbye for him but in which everyone treated it like one anyway. And at the end of the night, I didn't say goodbye because I didn't want it to be about goodbyes. Well, good going then because that was the last I saw of him; I loss my chances to say goodbye because I was stubborn. So yes, I was angry at myself. And I was really sad I didn't get my last chance to say goodbye. I really did want to see him off one last time... but I was too stubborn to admit my stubbornness and own fault when I wrote my last blog. Make sense?

Eh, it doesn't matter if I'm being coherent, as long as I know what my rationale was for writing what I wrote. I would apologize to my audience and/or to my friend (if anyone actually reads this piece of crap), but I will refrain from doing so because ultimately, this blog isn't for anyone but myself. This blog is my sanctuary, my dumping ground for important/unimportant ideas, thoughts, summations... things that I just don't have enough room in my head to keep track of... a place where insanity and sanity means everything and nothing at all... and where entries are sometimes literal, sometimes figurative, and sometimes meant to be read in between lines.

So in conclusion to my debate, the answer is no. I will not delete my last post. It is what it is for reasons beside the literary and figurative speech.

Good night.

It takes two in any friendship; but often times one is willing to give more than the other. When do you let go? When do you deem that the other person just isn't worth your time?

Door's always open. You just have to walk through it. But I'm not going to chase after you, coaxing you to come through anymore.

______________________________________

Note to self.

Dear Self:

In the relentless effort to tell you how much time you're squandering:

LET IT GO!
He's not coming back. And even if he is, he's not coming back for you. You're no longer important in his life. You're merely just a girl of his past. Another one of those, "ugh, she's calling again? What does she want now?" type of person in his life. He didn't even bother to say goodbye and he is not going to bother calling you back now. He hasn't yet, so what makes you think he will in the next few days he has left? So why get all hung up about saving this friendship? You know he doesn't deem you worthy of his time. Chill out. Strive to be better without him. You know you can do it.
Even you said you were over it. Of course, you're over the relationship but you're not over how distant your friendship has become right? Pffft, well, hell, you've got a million people who value your time and your friendship more than he. Why should you care? WHY SHOULD YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU? Be logical, woman. You're worth more than that and your education sure as well is worth more than that. So buckle up. Chin up. Head high. Shoulders straight. March forward and don't look back.

Love,
Self

P.S. Don't let bitterness tempt you, even if it is the easiest way out to forget someone. You're better than that. :)

Now, focus! :)

Habits. Humbug.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: that is my relentless habit of trying to save a friendship perhaps unworthy of my attention, concern, and love because it takes two to make it work. It isn't that this friendship has gone sour, oh no. This friendship came and it bloomed, but now the distance... the vagueness... the emptiness... and loss of caring from the other party. It recalls the same ideas and values an entry I wrote a few years ago on my birthday:

http://hearthofaphe0nix.blogspot.com/2006/02/life-death-love-truth-honesty-and.html

"i'm homebound for self-improvement and for giving my love to others that appreciates my love... i'm not going to waste my time trying to please those that dont' want my love.

"I stopped trying because there's no point in trying to save a one way relationship/friendship. I'm so incredibly tired of being the only fucking person trying (and this pertains to more than just the incident I speak of).

"I hate giving up-- but yesteryear taught me that it's okay to let hopes/dreams/things die as long as i've tried. So this year, i'm loosening up. I refrain from getting too hung up on things and i'm more prone to optimism again-- less worries, less sorrow, less boggling of the mind. hurray for growing, learning, and finding pleasure in simple things. Notwithstanding, my love, my friendship for the new and old will always remain untainted. The door is always open and remember that phones work both ways.

"... there's a plateau somewhere where we can claim victory, honor, grace, and respect for oneself, but in exchange, see all the glory and wonders befall and cycle once again with loss thereof. That, my friend, is the plateau of purest of all purities-- a majestic beauty."


Meh, I'm over it. Or at least I tell myself that. We'll see in time. Bleh. whatever. I'm tired. Good night. Excuse the poor grammar and spelling and word choices... ciao.

Silly me

To say the least, I've been feeling like death lately after coming down with the flu (perhaps?). I've been sent home from work by my supervisor, who almost is like a second mom to me, twice now in two weeks! Embarrassing, no?

Ugh, the accumulation of pages and work I have to read, write, and do is amounting to a hefty mountain of sorts. No doubt, I'll double the furnace tonight and the fire shall burn through the weekend. I will divide and conquer... no paper will be left unread nor pathogenic genus of organism left unraveled! ---okay, so what if I'm bluffing just a tad? Aim high. Fly higher. Right? :P

Aside from feeling the breathe of death constantly on my neck, I've been feeling like a recluse of society... perhaps that's mainly from me avoiding faces so that I, oh reservoir of flu, won't accidentally spread me germs and dub myself title of Patient Zero of Index Case of whatever it is that I have. SWINEEEEEEE? HAHA. Or is it that I've been cast out from the realms of society simply because everyone else is avoiding me who knows I'm sick? Hmm....

And just when I was about to pick up my phone in hopes of alleviating this alienated aloofness that's consummated my week and has sort of put me in doldrums, I receive a sweet text message from my friend Akshay asking me if I was feeling any better. :) It was a simple message, but it certainly made my day. Then, ironically, the gates to a little TLC broke open thereafter. Akshay's text was followed by a call from mommy asking to see if I was okay and if I needed anything. (Awweeee, I'm still loved!) haha. And next thing I know, my gramps came in to give me some hot tea. *glee* The marmalade of events tickles my fancy and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. haha.. and I'm basking in it. :) :) Silly me to think I am any less shy of being the luckiest girl alive to have such awesome family and friends.

RAWR!

i want...

sigh. i want to do a lot of things.

i want to bask in glory and happiness with old friends and new.
i want to enjoy the company of my family but not feel like i'm being held down.
i want to finish my program and perhaps move away.
i want to have a fresh new start-- a different beginning.
i want to be excited about something new and have someone to share the excitement with.
i want to remember what i was like to have a goal in life.
i want to be proud in what i do and more importantly be content in being the best that i can be.
i want to make mistakes and learn from them.
i want to laugh and cry.
i want to feel boundless and restriction free.
i want to absolutely be crazy about life and live it to the fullest.

and i want you to come along with me as i continue my journey.

i miss you all, my loves. you haven't the slightest clue. ;) love love love love love!

there's something exciting around the corner and i cant wait to find out what it is... for better or worse. hello, future! <3!

Love & Life - Albert Einstein

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man/woman of deeds and not for the man/woman of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man/woman you love but with the man/woman who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving; it only means that you allow that person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn’t mean you failed in love.

Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, no past so bitter that love cannot accept, and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.


________________________
And here's a beautiful song that said it all for me at one point but no longer.

One "AWE and then some" night!

homecookin din din for two + a bottle of petite sirah + lemon bar, champagne cake, mint chocolate mousse, and orange meringue cake + crayons + paper + good company = a wonderful night! <3!!!! emily tung, best idea ever :)



and to Michael, the english political studies Ph.D. student from York, UK... if you're out there: I'M SOOO SORRY! :D cherrios~ hurray for random meetings of new faces! :) i hope our lives croass again in the future~

Back in the old garage

After a long crappy day... I turned up the music as I sang along. I found myself a sketchbook and micron 5pt pen in hand... and tonight, I feel refined... revived... and alive. I absolutely love the sudden joy it brings me, I'm suddenly so at home, feeling so natural with a heart so lite... something i haven't been in a very very long time. I am determined to live freely, to love freely, and to laugh happily as I continue to be me in this very nature... :) Carefree. Unbound. Limitless.

Love <3 !

jaguar

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Most-Emailed-Photos/ss/1756/im:/080505/481/906dd00a63874f79a9793398e07ffb44

i want one.

Alter-ego

Change! Change!

I need a change in my life.

Spring and summer is in the air, and I'm rediscovering my independence. I want to be passionate about life again. To say I have been stuck in a rut and living a dreamy stupor for the past couple of months is only half correct. I have been dreamy, ideal, perhaps even surreal... but I have also enjoyed it. It is in my nature to transform and morph periodically. Sometimes I feel as though the only constant in my life is change...

I crave the untamed, outlandish nature of my alter-ego, so please excuse me if I seem a little off, a little distant, and perhaps a little malicious. It's gnawing my sinews and itching to rip my skin apart for the feathered wisp of fresh air. Dare I suppress it? Ah, but should I, it would boil under my skin, wane and wax in and out of my daily conduct until I can no longer keep it in reign. In the past, close friends have kept me in check enough so that when this alter-ego makes its debut, it does not consume me whole. I am grateful and in debt to their brutal honesty and tolerance. However, I am afraid no one in close proximity can truly dance to the rhythm of my nature this time around; so if I lose all ground, excuse me and remind me I am of another person of a different time. I can only hope someone, anyone, can understand and keep up pace with me.

TIME OUT!

i'm going to go insane.

i'm getting lectured on relationships left and right, some not knowing of what my relationship truly entails.

bottom line, i don't know what i'm doing, but i think i'm a pretty damn good judge of character, enough so that i know who to befriend and who not to. i might give most ppl the benefit of doubt but i am not that gullable. the end.
____________-

i miss reading leisurely
i miss being able to write well and coherently
i miss fencing
i miss being active
i miss laughing to the point where my stomach hurts

i miss my friends

happy spring and cant wait for summer again :)


currently feeling nostalgic

I'm failing.

But why am I not panicking?

Apathy.





October. What a month. It always is.

:)

hmmm... lost and found.... housecleaning......

September 10, 2007

I am most content. what a wonderful evening! no less a lovely way to end the night with policemen knockin' on my car window asking us, 'what the hell are you two doing parked along side the street next to a park, seats reclined, feet up at nearly 2am in the morning?' good game. bwhahaha... just another memorable summer night rendezvous. mission accomplished.

Believe.

I need to believe in me again.

I need you to believe I can, too.

random unedited musings

Summer is here and I decided to drop all three of my summer courses I signed up for after one week of attendance.

Why?

Why stress out now when I have the entire next year to stress and figure out what I want in life?
_________________________

There's this internship opportunity in Paris, France next summer I really want to apply for, but it's obvious my successes of achieving that position is less than 0.99%. :P No harm in trying is there?
__________________________

I've known me long enough to know that I dispise being pushed to do things I dont want to do. And I hate the feeling of not being good enough. Where have all my confidence gone? Why am I so consumed in wanting the approval of others that I cannot see truth in it myself? Ugh. I used to take charge. Russell was right. I am a velvet hammer.

well look out people because the velvet is coming off, and you will certainly hear a fucking bang coming your way if you insist on crossing me. no more playing nice.

incoherent, incomplete thoughts. grey matter scramble. please disregard.

i've been contemplating a lot about what i really want to do in life and to what extent am i capable of reaching those goals. if i have any that is.. tapping into my potentials... whatever that may be or however much i may have
it's... i dont know... disheartening that i haven't trusted my ability to be ambitious and determined for so long i used to be sooo...... driven....
and ever since college, i've just let opportunity after opportunity escape. im going along with the flow.... keened on getting dibs in with the college life.. the college scene. and all this time, i've squandered time. precious time. but maybe this is a gift

med school.
john simmons.
thirst for knowledge
being around truth seekers
gift? square one. maybe its who we are.. phases? no.
maybe it's more simple then this. maybe i'll be content with just haivng someone i love around. maybe life is as simple as that. family.

but why question. why back to square one? why the resurface of these realms.

relentless self improvement

relentless seeker of change

human nature. innate ambition. selfishness. society. success. how do we define it? victories. what's next?

boredom? superiority among mammals and all lving things. but the most fragile in the open.

if u can't be the sword. be the dagger. the thorns. survivial of the fittest.

priceless

It just doesn't cut it.


The smell of your skin still lingers on mine.
The thought of you like staples to my brain.
My stomach twists at the sight of you
the air in which you ignore my presence.

the idea of you... weightless, desirable
yet impalpable.

In the perfect fairy tale,
you'd ask me to be yours
But we both know it isnt true.

I'm letting you go.

Hobo Spiders aka "Aggressive Spiders"

I found a bug bite on my left leg yesterday after waking up from a nap and it's itching like hell. It's no ordinary bite; and from the looks of it, the deed is from some sort of spider. Hours later, my daddy caught a spider in my room. I was curious if the spider he caught was the one that bit me.. so a-researching I did:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobo_spider
http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/home/spider2.html

I'm pretty sure that's the spider he caught and the very spider that bit me. It's poisonous alright. I had a major headache yesterday and I slept a lot today. Everytime I ate, I felt nauseated. The wound itself did blister a bit and started oozing. Gross. Now there's a tiny lesion. Sigh. I dont think i'll be going to the docs. It seems minor and i've had bites similar to this one in the past I think. Anyway, if I die, you'll know the truth. hahaha. sweet deal.

Good night, all!

insanity to retain the sanity

Sikstine (2:07:42 PM): wow

Auto Response from n0rmally strange (2:07:21 PM): today is a major 'BLAH' day. why?


because it just is.


and now to un-blah the blah day... i must arc. and arc... and shower. and REsearch my research.... among other things....


ya dig?

hah. hah. hahahahahahahaha.... hah. ha. hahhhhhh..... o_0


Sikstine (2:07:44 PM): you are like
Sikstine (2:07:46 PM): SO CRAZY
Sikstine (2:07:49 PM): it's unbelievable lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:15 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:18 PM): why am i crazy?
Sikstine (2:12:46 PM): your away message
Sikstine (2:12:49 PM): have you read it?
n0rmally strange (2:12:29 PM): lol
Sikstine (2:12:52 PM): it's crazy!
Sikstine (2:12:52 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:12:32 PM): yes.
n0rmally strange (2:12:45 PM): what part of it/
Sikstine (2:13:07 PM): you're crazy!
Sikstine (2:13:21 PM): it progressively gets more insan
Sikstine (2:13:22 PM): e
n0rmally strange (2:13:05 PM): HAHAHAHA
Sikstine (2:13:40 PM): I would copy and paste which parts
Sikstine (2:13:41 PM): but
Sikstine (2:13:43 PM): it's the whole thing
Sikstine (2:13:43 PM): lol
n0rmally strange (2:13:27 PM): precisely the tone i want it to be
Sikstine (2:13:58 PM): oh trust me
Sikstine (2:13:59 PM): I know the tone
n0rmally strange (2:13:45 PM): lol
Sikstine (2:14:12 PM): if you said this in real life, I could imagine the whole thing
n0rmally strange (2:13:54 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sikstine (2:14:25 PM): I wouldn't even have the decency to punch you
Sikstine (2:14:36 PM): I'd offer you a ride to the mental health hospital
Sikstine (2:14:47 PM): or my room, since I'm studying psychopathology now
n0rmally strange (2:15:49 PM): LOL
n0rmally strange (2:15:52 PM): why thank you

i dont know what im doing.

Sometimes the one thing we think we want most is the one thing we realize we do not want at all.

Interphase

am i depressed?

I hate to think that i am but i've been finding more and more excuses to sleep these days, esp. because i can't run nor go to the arc because of my crapped up knee to relieve stress. why am i depressed if i indeed am? i dont feel depressed.. not all the time at least. why am i trying to convince myself that i'm okay? or am i really really already okay? i am frustrated. i'll give myself that. but at what? at who? myself? yes. myself.

grad school. or med school? no schoool? work. what i'm doing now to get myself there. the vagueness of "there" is feeding off what is left of my energy. i need to find a new passion. a new ambition. damn it. i need to figure out what i want.

hahahaha.. gah... you do not want to get into this tangled mess inside my head.


I'd like nothing more right now then to go home and spend summer with my family. I want to feel at home again.

At a lame attempt to figure out what I don't want... here are the things i want to happen by the time summer ends:

spend time with family
finish summer session I
Thomas' wedding in Santa Barbara!!!! :)
finish the research project under my professor and perhaps start a new one! we're sooooo close it's exciting!
bake
ugh... i need fresh air. i really do. i want to be content. damn it. i want it so badly. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
i want to do things i've never done before and feel alive. i want to do things i havne't done in a while and feel refreshed.
go sky diving (any takers?)
go to a beach... or a lake...
go hiking!!
go stargazing

i want to see my friends over summer. so please, if you're in town, let's do something. something fun. or nothing at all. let's sit at the park and gaze at the vessel of beauty that blankets over us without exchanging a single word and walk away feeling like it's the best conversation we've ever had. those are always wonderful. i just want to be able to smile and laugh and really really mean it. i crave it. i crave you.

i'm not depressed. i'm just stuck in the interphase in this abyss.. swinging on a pendulum and i can slip either which way... to doldrums or to happiness. damn it, kasey... i'm oscillating too.. and i'm feeling so impatient. i need and want to get off. help. summer.. please come... please come now. i just want spring quarter to be done and over with. i need that week of break before summer session I. i need to live again.. i need to be refreshed. i need to breathe. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

breathe in slow and breathe in deep so that every femtometer of alveoli is saturated with air. hold it in until the fervor of your lungs make you feel as though every nerve of your body is shreding into spews and spools of threaded DNA... until your head and sinews rupture.. until you hear nothing but your heart beat and see nothing but a flash of light and then blackness.

i dont know if i'll eveer learn how to like someone. is it that i'm so caught up in the idea of wanting to be happy or feeling i have that capacity to make someone happy that i force myself to believe i have a chance? desires vitiates the application for ambition.. so much that it impedes all senses and purges logic. i learn the hard way.

UGH

ugh.. i hate this feeling... such that this pensile nest of every cantankerous, vile, obstinate thought, idea.. summation will inevitably befall and ambush all i that i have.. all that i thought i've figured out. SIGH. why is it so hard? why is there so much complexity in simplicity? ugh.

daniel kasey estrada.. i miss you. a lot. and that's an understatement of all sorts. :P

Happiness

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE MONSTROSITY! :)


Today, my youngest sister is having her 1-day-belated birthday party. She's 12 now. And as i'm running errands trying to work the magic behind the scenes of her party, i am elated with satisfaction of how smoothly things are going. I realized how much I've grown.. we've grown. i love being a sister. The party is awesome... decorations and all.. Hawaiian/Lilo and Stitch theme. hahaha. What a contrast to last year when all hell broke loose. She's happy. And in that moment, life is grand. Oh, how things can change in one short year. one blink of an eye. anyway.. i'm being spiraled into the natural contemplation of life and reevaluation, yet again. meeeehhhhh, let me just shrug that off for now while i enjoy cloud nine. Seeing people i care about happy makes me happy.

The end.

nostalgic

i'm trying to manage my time wisely but to no avail. i need to set my priorities straight.

there are so many intangible feelings and thoughts floating in my head. the agitation is suffocating. i'm feeling more detached and more confused about what i'm doing and where i'm going in life.

i'm nostaligic.

i miss my little monstrosities.
i miss art.

and of no particular order or reason as to why im listing this but simply because it comes to thought...
i miss ms. george. i miss mar mar. i miss noel. i miss kasey. i miss sung. i miss trevor. wow. trevor. and boy do i feel horrible for losing contact with him. anyway... i miss jen. i miss michelle. i miss kevy, i miss a lot of other ppl.

and i thank you for everyone that has been there for me... time and time again. i am forever in your debt. i'm the luckiest girl on the planet.

_____________________________

Maniacal K (12:48:17 AM): ahh yes...Amy Chi.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from n0rmally strange (12:48:17 AM): downgrading and upgrading priorities. go figure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maniacal K (12:49:06 AM): seemingly so far away, but certainly as close to my heart as she has ever been.
Maniacal K (12:49:16 AM): good night.
Maniacal K signed off at 12:49:30 AM.
__________________________________


:) i needed to hear that. you have a knack for saying/showing up at all the right times. and i need not remind you that i love you... forever... MORE! :P